Vuliex
Depressed Optimist
- Feb 17, 2023
- 10
I dont have many friends in real life and I use online spaces to find friends. I live in the middle of no where and the people my age just kinda suck or are distant pals. I've been friends with a group of people for literally years specifically someone I'll call S. I've known S for four years and he has seen through thick and thin with me. He has slowly began to take me less and less seriously. He is the only one I confide in and yesterday he told me he "Just doesnt care about the stuff i say". I have no one to tell stuff besides him. In our friend groups space we were making jokes and he made a tiny suicide joke and I replied saying something along the lines of "oh yeah yet I cant joke around like this". It caused a chain reaction of people going off on me specifically because I am the only one with actual shit going on and then how i care to much when i got upset with people. To be told I shouldn't care so much for those I've cherished and shared so much and to be told they dont give a shit about me is terrible. I privately messaged S and I've been explaining the fact I was largely medialess for a while and only kept in contact with him. He told me I shouldn't even care about him like I do because I didn't consistently talk with him over two years. He knows i was severally depressed due to me being severally SA'd and did my best to keep and contact with him. He is clearly stating my value and cherishment of him isnt the same at all. I have no one now. No one to talk to or anything. He took lead of making a barrage of people i cared so deeply about to harm me at a low point. My mental health is obviously a joke to my 'friends'. I havent thought about CTB in a about a year yet today was my tipping point. I am no longer self harm free as well. I feel guilty and upset and bitter and dont know what to do. The little thought of if i just died I wouldnt have to worry about being taken seriously yet I never could commit because I would feel to guilty. Id miss out a lot and I run off spite at my worse. Self harming was a needed feeling though during all this.
Have a good day sunshines. Cope how ya can.
(excuse my poor typing im shaky while writing)
Have a good day sunshines. Cope how ya can.
(excuse my poor typing im shaky while writing)