I understand how you're feeling completely! Growing up, I had absolutely zero social skills, and as I was home schooled for a big portion of my life I never had the chance to grow them. So I was stuck unable to communicate, with such crippling anxiety I was too torn up to even try. There was always a thought in my mind that nobody would ever want to be around me because of it, I always felt like my company would be a big burden on others. I'd been abused a lot in life and all I ever really wanted was for somebody to truly care about me, just for who I am. It's not the same as love but to me it was a feeling much more desireable, I just wanted to feel cared for, but I thought because of my issues & the fact I had no redeeming qualities, there's no way it'd ever happen! But then, I just tried my best to take things one step at a time.
When I was feeling my lowest I gained the courage to join this forum! And after trying my best to just be myself, I found a lot of friends who cared! But the first time I ever felt
truly and deeply cared for was because of a user
@Maka hiamoe. Even through all my awkwardness, struggles, a garbage dump full of baggage, even through everything he was there for me, and always so sweet, joking around, talking about interests, not wanting anything more than to just be friends with
me for who I am. The first time I truly felt cared for, and it was the most magical feeling I'd ever experienced. I thought, there's absolutely
no way anybody would care about a loser like me. And then somebody did, one of the most precious souls I will ever encounter. He's no longer with us now, and it was devastating, but more than anything I was just eternally grateful for everything he did for me. I swore to myself that if I lived onwards, I would try my best to repay those acts of kindness by trying to spread his love through my own words & actions! I have a lot of healing to do first but I'm determined. It's not the kind of love you're probably talking of in your post, but in my heart a bond like this is unlike any other, and just as precious, so I would always cherish it. To have such happy memories with somebody I truly loved, is something I won't ever take for granted.
Even if it may feel like it, you're not ever too ugly to be loved. And I'm not just saying this because 'I succeeded so everyone can' bs, I just genuinely believe that if you put yourself out there, try to be your bestest self & be kind, show your best attributes & try to be confident, you'll be able to find love soon enough. It just takes time, like, a
lot of time, for you to get to that stage, and in the process maybe it may feel completely hopeless. But if you keep at it, I'm sure you will find some satisfaction in that regard, even if it isn't a romantic love like you may be after. For me, the love between friends is unlike anything else, because you love each other for what's inside, there's no other factor. I love that! I'm sorry you've been feeling so low about this, I really genuinely do hope that you'll be able to find that feeling, and also try not to be so harsh on yourself for being 'ugly'! Because as the quote goes, 'if you don't love yourself first, how can you expect anybody else to?' - not that it's the best quote but, I hope you get the point! I'm sending warmth & comfort with these virtual hugs, please be gentle with yourself
