Venting tired.

[colorlesshue]

tw//mentions of puke/vommitting and just general anxiety, sh, and thoughts of ctb. thoughts of being forgotten . i do not care how people repy to this thread

i thought i was doing better i was really hoping i was doing better but im stupid . i really want it to get better i swear i do, i've been taking my medication and starting therapy and going to the stupid fucking groups my mom keeps suggesting . i swear i was doing better but why am i suddently so fucking upset?? nothing is wrong, everything is suppose to be fine and nothing is wrong right now so tell me why i just got so anxious i fuckeing puked and now im lying in my bathroom at whatever hour fucig crying. we were just having a normal conversation but now im scared your gunna leave me forever and forget about me and god i feel so disgusting. the maggots in my skin ae back and i dont want them there i just wanna be left alone and i need everyone to shut up and stop messaging me im fucking bleeding and i swore i would stop but i cant even stay clean for a fucking week what is wrojg with me. this is why their going toleave me their gunna find out i cut myself and puke everyytime im mildly inconvincened because im a stupid baby who cant even cope with anyhtih, i cant do anything by myself ebcause im stupid and defective so i have to resort to puking and cutting and crying just to feel okay and its notfucking fair because their gunna leave me if they find out im not as cool and smart as they think i am im hanging by a literal fucking thread. i havent showered in days and im so exaused. i want this all to end soon but god im scared of cbt. im scared of leavn them and my mom and dad burrying me and forgetting me because i know they just thinkim a burden. if i die no one besdies my girlfriend is gunna be upset that im gone and maybe not even then.

 

[KuroiSH]

Medications and therapy don't necessarily work for everyone. They're not some miracle pill that magically fix your depression and auto-destructive tendencies, but it's probably at least a slight pointer in the right direction. Don't blame yourself for feeling the way you do. It's not a mistake to feel, but it is a mistake to focus on only the negative aspects. I've had crazy anxiety attacks, even though everything is seemingly fine, too. I'm no doctor, but it might just be chemical imbalance, or possibly BPD. I've had very strong moments of feeling sad then suddenly feeling ecstatic for no reason at all.

It's sort of asinine to dwell on baseless assumptions and trying to reverse psychology gaslight yourself into believing she/he is going to leave you if they haven't displayed anything that might indicate disloyalty or disinterest. If your partner is really worth their salt, they'll help you work through it and be there for you whenever. That's what true love is, after all. I also desperately want to disconnect from life sometimes, so I take maybe like a small 4 day break from everyone, just isolating myself as much as possible while I collect my thoughts. No answering texts, putting my phone on silent mode/do not disturb, and the like.

It's good that you have a coping mechanism, even if it's very disastrous and mentally distressing. But maybe try to find a better way than cutting, that can turn into a bad addiction shockingly fast. Also, try to have an honest conversation with your partner. I'm sure they don't expect you to be a perfect human, exceptional in every aspect. There's nothing better than finding out something that burdened you that you thought to be fact is in fact not true.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really dreadful having to suffer like that, it does sound tiring what you have to endure. But anyway best wishes.