Venting tired of masking my way through everything

[alwayspissedoff]

it's not even just masking autism, but really who I am. I hate having to fake every single social interaction just to not make it awkward or be rude or just give out how fucked I am.
I have a few friends at uni that I, at the bottom, kind of hate somehow. I hate how shallow they can be, how they try to be funny when they're not, sometimes how they even fake stuff as well, and I've reached a point where I don't even feel bad about not truly liking my friends anymore, because I don't truly like them, I just spend time with them to get through the days and that's it. and I know I care deeply about people when it's people I really like and respect, it's just that I'm at a point in my life where that people are just not around me. everyone's superficial, egotistical, annoying, and I have to cope and live with them to get through the days.

tomorrow I have an appointment with my therapist who I only attend to in order to make my family happy and make them believe I'm getting better, when in reality I'm just gonna mask my way out there because I truly cannot be myself with anyone without getting completely judged or straight up marked as crazy. she's also just not gonna get me, no just like everyone else.
I wanna believe the autism I was diagnosed has to do with this and that kind of explains it.

 

[DistraughtWolf]

It really is tiring, Even if you do mask, some people can still see through it (or maybe i'm just really shit at it) and it feels like wasted effort and exhausting. And if you don't mask, you get the typical weird & awkward looks with questions like "Huh?" "Why are you like this?"

I just spend time with them to get through the days and that's it. and I know I care deeply about people when it's people I really like and respect, it's just that I'm at a point in my life where that people are just not around me.

I used to do this. I was there for them, made plans, spent some time together doing stuff. Went away for 6 months and nobody bothered to even ask where I was during that time. Great friends.