Venting tired of feeling alone /suicidal ideation

[Falseunderworld]

I am tired of feeling like I'm just not good enough for anyone or anything everything I've ever done is just garbage I feel like a garbage person I feel like I should just be thrown away into the dust and disappear. No one would miss me and the people who would i have never even met, they're just people online, I don't have a lot of friends I don't have a lot of family but the family I do have treats me miserably they hurt me a lot as a child, and then use the excuse that they saved me and keep reminding me that they saved me. I'm tired and I'm tired of being alone. Loneliness is like the worst feeling in the world.

Then I'll sit there in my room and think oh it would be nice to just ctb then I won't have to feel shit, then I can't feel anything anymore. I don't wanna feel anything anymore. Does anyone relate to that feeling just not wanting to think anymore just wanting to disappear and not speak begone? I Often have dreams about it , and I've attempted a lot. I wish that dreams were real sometimes.

 

[DukeDestroyer]

I relate to you 100%. My family is not that good to me. I learned a long time ago to avoid other people and I don't care what they think of me. Being a loner helped me a lot more than being with disgusting filth that people are.

 

[Falseunderworld]

I relate to you 100%. My family is not that good to me. I learned a long time ago to avoid other people and I don't care what they think of me. Being a loner helped me a lot more than being with disgusting filth that people are.

i avoid my family then feel guilty about it , i havent even left my house in 3 years , i go out to get groceries but i dont do anything else, im also a loner because humans suck! They are so bitter and cruel for no reason.

 

[Skullinthewoods]

I, too, see myself as an entirely useless person with a pointless existence. I don't think I should exist, and I don't enjoy my own life or enrich anyone elses.

My family has also been pretty useless. They're shallow and couldn't care less if I'm suffering. I think if I CTB, they'd shrug their shoulders and carry on.

The constant tiredness is exhausting, for sure. I don't know if I'll ever have the energy even to end it all.

Like you, I wish I could simply just disappear...

 

[Falseunderworld]

I, too, see myself as an entirely useless person with a pointless existence. I don't think I should exist, and I don't enjoy my own life or enrich anyone elses.

My family has also been pretty useless. They're shallow and couldn't care less if I'm suffering. I think if I CTB, they'd shrug their shoulders and carry on.

The constant tiredness is exhausting, for sure. I don't know if I'll ever have the energy even to end it all.

Like you, I wish I could simply just disappear...

Sometimes i wish there was a button that could make me disappear into nothingness , it wouldnt hurt , it wouldnt make me feel afraid to breath, id be gone

Then people will leave me alone, i would get forgotten if i finally ctb

 

[webawl]

Does anyone relate to that feeling just not wanting to think anymore just wanting to disappear and not speak begone?

This is the emotion I feel most of the time. My ultimate desire is to become a recluse. Just disappear to somewhere with nothing but the necessities and access to music. I know this isn't an achievable goal, so I suppose suicide is the next best thing.

It feels like everyone near me doesn't really care about what happens to me so I've gradually been severing ties and have learned to avoid creating new relationships. This is a double-edged sword though. You don't deal with the anxiety of talking or worry about how others perceive you but feelings of isolation only grow stronger. I think the trade-off is worth it, though, at least for me.

 

[BornHated]

Ultimately, no one likes to feel like a loser in life. I genuinely feel, from my POV, that any dysfunction can actually be traced back to its correct origin once you take time to dissect what we feel and why. Life's kinda messed up at its core, so it makes sense we're messed up, too.

I'm also a "hikikomori"- barely leave the house, save for very good reason.
Personally I'm in a similar spot. I love going to sleep because it's a break from real life consciousness. I've gotten to a point where I feel like I've figured out what I would've needed to figure out about both the world and my personal situation, and how generally unrealistic the desired change I'd like to see in the world and humanity is- as well as my own inherent neurology. At the end of the day, are just animals.

Most of my potential friendships wither because time and time again I just... don't have energy. I feel more at peace and happy in my own thoughts most of the time, and even though society and psychs insist this is a problem, it's genuinely how I'm most stable.

 

[Falseunderworld]

Ultimately, no one likes to feel like a loser in life. I genuinely feel, from my POV, that any dysfunction can actually be traced back to its correct origin once you take time to dissect what we feel and why. Life's kinda messed up at its core, so it makes sense we're messed up, too.

I'm also a "hikikomori"- barely leave the house, save for very good reason.
Personally I'm in a similar spot. I love going to sleep because it's a break from real life consciousness. I've gotten to a point where I feel like I've figured out what I would've needed to figure out about both the world and my personal situation, and how generally unrealistic the desired change I'd like to see in the world and humanity is- as well as my own inherent neurology. At the end of the day, are just animals.

Most of my potential friendships wither because time and time again I just... don't have energy. I feel more at peace and happy in my own thoughts most of the time, and even though society and psychs insist this is a problem, it's genuinely how I'm most stable.

The psychs don't know shit, and they always act like they do they tell you "oh, don't worry about it. Your feelings are perfectly normal, you can tell me anything I'll listen to you, trust me I'm here for you". Bleh then the next moment "you can't be feeling that way that's dangerous! You should just go out more! It's healthy to be around people! You can't be suicidal! If you're intending to harm yourself, I have to take you to the hospital, just wait right here I promise you won't go" then guess what? They take you away to that hell hole and call you a nut case. Where are you? Stay in the hospital bed for hours until they can transfer you to a proper place because you're crazy to them, when you should be allowed to feel this way, you should be allowed to be indoors you should be allowed to be stable in the way you feel stable and be suicidal and think of death it's your choice, but they don't know what you're talking about so they automatically choose to send your way out of sight out of mind!

 

[mierepeashi]

I see a lot of people here experience a true lack of love in their families and that's why I feel so guilty about how I feel. My family loves me and they are probably the only ones that hold me from slipping over the edge. I haven't ever told them about how I feel but they seem like they really care and watch for me.
That's why I feel so bad over my longing to CTB. I have people who love me unlike some of you and I'm so ungrateful for them. I don't know, there's just something wrong with me, I just can't see this through. Nothing they do can change my mindset, I just see this world as devoid of purpose and I can't be optimistic about the future at all. I also have pretty bad anxiety and can't study properly at uni.
I'm such a shitty person, I just wish I never existed at all. I'm so scared to CTB tho also because it would affect the people around me. I should've just never been born into this confusing place. I don't understand anything.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I see a lot of people here experience a true lack of love in their families and that's why I feel so guilty about how I feel. My family loves me and they are probably the only ones that hold me from slipping over the edge. I haven't ever told them about how I feel but they seem like they really care and watch for me.
That's why I feel so bad over my longing to CTB. I have people who love me unlike some of you and I'm so ungrateful for them. I don't know, there's just something wrong with me, I just can't see this through. Nothing they do can change my mindset, I just see this world as devoid of purpose and I can't be optimistic about the future at all. I also have pretty bad anxiety and can't study properly at uni.
I'm such a shitty person, I just wish I never existed at all. I'm so scared to CTB tho also because it would affect the people around me. I should've just never been born into this confusing place. I don't understand anything.

You're not a shitty person for no longer wanting to suffer. Your family may love you but neither they nor anyone else are miracle-workers. If love can't cure diseases like cancer there's no reason to think that it should be able to eliminate mental pain all by itself.

What kind of troubles studying are you having?

 

[mierepeashi]

You're not a shitty person for no longer wanting to suffer. Your family may love you but neither they nor anyone else are miracle-workers. If love can't cure diseases like cancer there's no reason to think that it should be able to eliminate mental pain all by itself.

What kind of troubles studying are you having?

While I'm in class I can't really focus because I just feel so bad idk how to explain and also I'm very scared to get involved in the lessons even though I like what I am studying. I fear asking a question and getting stuck like halfway through it. This has happened to me several times and that awkward silence oh god, it just makes me think that everyone hates me and thinks I'm unintelligent. I just wish I would disappear and I could watch the lessons from a third person perspective. Also, I can't focus on doing my schoolwork at home, I just can't, it's so tiring after a school day. I just can't bring myself to do things. Everything has no meaning to me because it really doesn't.

 

[dreamscape1111]

As a sensitive person, I can definitely relate to it. But after slowly but surely learning to befriend myself, I've discovered that loneliness can transform into a beautiful aloneness. For this to happen one has to be willing to go inside and look for the inner fulfillment that nobody and nothing external can ever give to you. Yes, modern society is neurotic, and you're right, it causes lots of hopelessness and despair, but there's a hidden blessing in disguise. There's a possibility of rising above the status quo and creating your own meaning, giving your unique gift to the world, to shine your light. Why miss this opportunity? (note to self, really <3)

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that there is nothing that sounds more ideal than completely disappearing and being free from this hellish world. It's certainly what I wish for, but sadly the reality is that it's just not straightforward to actually leave.

 

[webawl]

it just makes me think that everyone hates me and thinks I'm unintelligent. I just wish I would disappear and I could watch the lessons from a third person perspective. Also, I can't focus on doing my schoolwork at home, I just can't, it's so tiring after a school day. I just can't bring myself to do things. Everything has no meaning to me because it really doesn't.

real

 

[BornHated]

The psychs don't know shit, and they always act like they do they tell you "oh, don't worry about it. Your feelings are perfectly normal, you can tell me anything I'll listen to you, trust me I'm here for you". Bleh then the next moment "you can't be feeling that way that's dangerous! You should just go out more! It's healthy to be around people! You can't be suicidal! If you're intending to harm yourself, I have to take you to the hospital, just wait right here I promise you won't go" then guess what? They take you away to that hell hole and call you a nut case. Where are you? Stay in the hospital bed for hours until they can transfer you to a proper place because you're crazy to them, when you should be allowed to feel this way, you should be allowed to be indoors you should be allowed to be stable in the way you feel stable and be suicidal and think of death it's your choice, but they don't know what you're talking about so they automatically choose to send your way out of sight out of mind!

Definitely, the point of most of these wards isn't to actually help heal you, it's to get you """stable""" enough on the outside until they suspect you won't go through with it easily. Most of the comments of people who have been gr1ppy socked that I've read say it only added to the trauma and worsening mental health.

It really sucks that so many professionals are this disjointed from their supposed careers... No two psychs have the same experience and specialty area so you actually do have to try around until you find one you feel clicks and can be trusted for this role. This is a two-way streets, psychs are people just like literally anybody else.