tired, broke, stupid

[myriapoda]

recently there's been severe car issues that posed a risk to safety, reliability and finances. for the first car, there's something wrong with the tire where it wobbles and makes a loud banging sound whenever it goes over a small bump. like it sounds like it's physically falling apart as i'm driving it to work. it's an old car and there's so much money already put in it from getting it back and forth from Texas to Louisiana, car parts because the engine wouldn't start, and now it's something with the steering or wheels. there's the option to spend even more money to repair the car and risk it just breaking down again. it's been the source of conflict between me and my mother. she keeps bringing up the idea of buying another car, but that would eat away at all the checks I've saved up during winter break working non stop during the holidays. I hate it, i'm tired of money being constantly being eaten away for car repairs when she's the one who choose to buy cheap cars that were "promised" to be reliable, lending money to people hoping to get money back with interest, and the money currently saved was so that I could focus on school without constantly going to work after classes so pay for different shit. it's been getting to the point where all I'm thinking about is finding ways to find money to help cushion us if she does something as stupid as spend money on a shitty broken down car or gambles it away, buys drugs (i found her doing that when she lied about going somewhere, not specifying and not clarifying where she was going, or getting my step father to do it).

it doesn't help that she got into an argument with one of my bosses twice before, nearly getting me fired twice and now, consequently. they were doing the taxes for us but because of what she said, i now have to worry about filing it (something that i don;t know how to do) and worrying about how it'll affect my FASFA. i kept trying to tell her over and over, that because something she said to either of them, even though I wasn't in the conversation, I have to deal with the consequences. it's like she wants to kill myself, because all she ever cares about is the next check whether it'd be from work or refund check from school (when there's leftover aid money).

i've lost all passion for what i wanted to be in school for. i think that part died somewhere when i couldn't get into my first school of choice. i don;t even want to go to school or know what i should do going for. i don't there is much unless im able to quit school completely and go into cosmetology school to get a proper licence without any consequential debt. but even then, i would find no security or joy in it.

i think i'm better off looking at hanging myself somewhere remotely. getting somewhere far via bus, taxi or walking. it's probably not the best CBT method, but i don't want to spend a ridiculous amount of money on a gun (even if I was going to kill myself) and the closes way for me to obtain SN would be stealing from my schools labs which is an absolute no go. if i didn't want to be in school, that would be a hell of a way to do it while killing any trust any of the professors would have for me to be at least somewhat decent enough to no something so stupid.

 

[Jadeith]

i think i'm better off looking at hanging myself somewhere remotely.

i think you are trying to punish yourself for mistakes of others. From what i see, you did nothing wrong. On the contrary, you did your best to keep the household afloat as best as you can, given your limited resources. It's the toxicity of your parent that holds you down, not your inadequacies.
It will sound rude (and i don't give a fuck at this point) but you'd be better off hanging your mother, not yourself but, since it's not viable option, maybe consider finding roommate and moving out? Close friend of mine escaped toxicity of their parents that way. Successfully. Without dying.
I mean, you seem like resourceful lot. Working hard, studying hard and actually able to save something. More responsible than some adults i could name. Maybe instead of removing yourself, remove toxicity from your life? Just a food for thought.