mittymittens
let's make it quick, ok?
- Jun 11, 2023
- 70
i have borderline personality disorder (bpd) so keep that in mind:
i guess 8-9 months ago i was really close with this one best friend and he made me really happy and i had the biggest crush on him— he was the first person i ever really fell for, but also unfortunately he was also my fp (favorite person)
if u don't know what that is basically someone who someone w bpd idolizes, obsesses over because that person usually gives them happiness, validation, etc all that good stuff but it does get unhealthy since it is a obsession and a trauma response. u can learn more ab it by searching it up if u want.
i don't know how the crush started two years ago, maybe he was unique from everyone else and i liked that and i started having this unexplainable desire to be the closest one to him and i guess in *my* eyes that means being his lover, which i know also is a bad thing to think and u can be closer to other ways it's just how my brain thinks and then i started crushing on him and it peaked last october.
due to conflict within our friendgroup such as a falling out with that friendgroup, even though we were good friends for a month, we were both really sad about the friendgroup and we started drifting, which actually i started he just started doing it too as a response.
i guess even though i lost feelings probably temporarily due to mental shit and what we just went through, it still triggered me that we were beginning to not be close.
i remember at some point he told me he felt like he had to talk to me sometimes, i suggested space cause we both really did need it and he even agreed but even though i introduced that idea, in the inside that fucked me up so bad and triggered something
over like nearly a month i ghosted him and when i messaged him again i told him i was upset and made me sad but he was still pretty obviously firm on the space and i guess that triggered my shit even more so i tested him (not proud) of saying
"i really don't think i can continue to talk to u" or something like that and he responded with
"if u think that's the best for you i'll respect that" and then that was the last time i've spoken to him in about 2 months.
after 1-2 months i realized i made a really bad mistake so i wanted to fix it quickly so i talked to him and that conversation was a mess and then over the weekend he told me he didn't want to continue it so i told him i felt the same despite deep down i wanted to fix things
looking back i must've hurt him a lot because 1.5 weeks ago a friend told me he confessed to her that he was still very sad about the friendship ending between me and him and didn't like it when someone brought it up despite like 8 months had passed and he missed me a lot. which i thought i was the only one who felt like that because i fell in love with him and in a way i still was(?) and i think i still am(?) and i thought he moved on already.
she's also told me that when i confessed to him in a letter, he told her he felt bad for not knowing and that letter was very special to him and my friend asked him if he'd date me and he said "having a partner would be nice i think" which idfk what that means because he used to be sort of repulsed of the idea of dating
after hearing this i really wanted to rekindle with him again because i also really missed him alot so we did and we are talking right now alot but we are taking things slow since we both think that's easier and the healthiest option.
he did admit to my friend that he wished things would go back to how they were (when we were the bestest of best friends) but we are obviously not gonna jump to that point immediately and we both recognize and agree even though we both want things to be normal again.
we've been talking a lot and texting a lot these past 3 days but i guess i got panged for the first time with sadness because it's stupid but i was teasing him saying i was gonna find his password and him teasing me saying to try and then told me
"i've actually told people my password"
and then i was like Why. cause idk i wouldn't tell anyone my password but that's just me having major trust issues
and he says
"because i trust them with it"
and i teased him saying tell me it and he was like nah
i get we were joking and it's not even the fact that he didn't even say his password to me cus that's just weird and would never pressure him obviously
just that he's told people something obv confidential and maybe he's close with those people obviously i just felt unimportant and the feelings of me really wanting to be closest person to him again for some reason is coming back intensely so quickly despite it not even being a week where we've been talking and i know it also won't be too long that my feelings are gonna come back
i'm just scared there's someone more closer and it's gonna be like that forever and i've just forever tainted my relationship with him.
but i also know i literally just started talking to him a few days ago after not really talking to him in 8 months so idfk why my mind is so sad about it!!!! like in the end of the day it was my fault we stopped talking! yeah we needed space but eventually we would've gotten over it way quicker than 8 fuckin months.
it just makes me feel like i'm going back to this fp madness with him and i'm inevitably going to fall for him again which that part i'm not mad about i just don't want to do anything unhealthy and impulsive because he'd also be my fp
i'm just scared, maybe need validation and/or need a wake up call, an opinion, honestly anything, if u read this far thank u
i guess 8-9 months ago i was really close with this one best friend and he made me really happy and i had the biggest crush on him— he was the first person i ever really fell for, but also unfortunately he was also my fp (favorite person)
if u don't know what that is basically someone who someone w bpd idolizes, obsesses over because that person usually gives them happiness, validation, etc all that good stuff but it does get unhealthy since it is a obsession and a trauma response. u can learn more ab it by searching it up if u want.
i don't know how the crush started two years ago, maybe he was unique from everyone else and i liked that and i started having this unexplainable desire to be the closest one to him and i guess in *my* eyes that means being his lover, which i know also is a bad thing to think and u can be closer to other ways it's just how my brain thinks and then i started crushing on him and it peaked last october.
due to conflict within our friendgroup such as a falling out with that friendgroup, even though we were good friends for a month, we were both really sad about the friendgroup and we started drifting, which actually i started he just started doing it too as a response.
i guess even though i lost feelings probably temporarily due to mental shit and what we just went through, it still triggered me that we were beginning to not be close.
i remember at some point he told me he felt like he had to talk to me sometimes, i suggested space cause we both really did need it and he even agreed but even though i introduced that idea, in the inside that fucked me up so bad and triggered something
over like nearly a month i ghosted him and when i messaged him again i told him i was upset and made me sad but he was still pretty obviously firm on the space and i guess that triggered my shit even more so i tested him (not proud) of saying
"i really don't think i can continue to talk to u" or something like that and he responded with
"if u think that's the best for you i'll respect that" and then that was the last time i've spoken to him in about 2 months.
after 1-2 months i realized i made a really bad mistake so i wanted to fix it quickly so i talked to him and that conversation was a mess and then over the weekend he told me he didn't want to continue it so i told him i felt the same despite deep down i wanted to fix things
looking back i must've hurt him a lot because 1.5 weeks ago a friend told me he confessed to her that he was still very sad about the friendship ending between me and him and didn't like it when someone brought it up despite like 8 months had passed and he missed me a lot. which i thought i was the only one who felt like that because i fell in love with him and in a way i still was(?) and i think i still am(?) and i thought he moved on already.
she's also told me that when i confessed to him in a letter, he told her he felt bad for not knowing and that letter was very special to him and my friend asked him if he'd date me and he said "having a partner would be nice i think" which idfk what that means because he used to be sort of repulsed of the idea of dating
after hearing this i really wanted to rekindle with him again because i also really missed him alot so we did and we are talking right now alot but we are taking things slow since we both think that's easier and the healthiest option.
he did admit to my friend that he wished things would go back to how they were (when we were the bestest of best friends) but we are obviously not gonna jump to that point immediately and we both recognize and agree even though we both want things to be normal again.
we've been talking a lot and texting a lot these past 3 days but i guess i got panged for the first time with sadness because it's stupid but i was teasing him saying i was gonna find his password and him teasing me saying to try and then told me
"i've actually told people my password"
and then i was like Why. cause idk i wouldn't tell anyone my password but that's just me having major trust issues
and he says
"because i trust them with it"
and i teased him saying tell me it and he was like nah
i get we were joking and it's not even the fact that he didn't even say his password to me cus that's just weird and would never pressure him obviously
just that he's told people something obv confidential and maybe he's close with those people obviously i just felt unimportant and the feelings of me really wanting to be closest person to him again for some reason is coming back intensely so quickly despite it not even being a week where we've been talking and i know it also won't be too long that my feelings are gonna come back
i'm just scared there's someone more closer and it's gonna be like that forever and i've just forever tainted my relationship with him.
but i also know i literally just started talking to him a few days ago after not really talking to him in 8 months so idfk why my mind is so sad about it!!!! like in the end of the day it was my fault we stopped talking! yeah we needed space but eventually we would've gotten over it way quicker than 8 fuckin months.
it just makes me feel like i'm going back to this fp madness with him and i'm inevitably going to fall for him again which that part i'm not mad about i just don't want to do anything unhealthy and impulsive because he'd also be my fp
i'm just scared, maybe need validation and/or need a wake up call, an opinion, honestly anything, if u read this far thank u
