Tips on dealing with grief

[Flores de Abril]

Hi there, i think i need some advice
I have been depressed in one way or another for what now is the most of my lifetime, I ended up learning how to cope with it but despite that I had multiple episodes of depression where I almost was sucessful commiting CTB
But that is not today's point. One year and a half ago the person I loved died, he didn't commit CTB he was sick and died during curgery, since then my suicidal episodes have become worse and more frequent, sometimes while I lay in bed crying and I can hear his sweet voice whispering to me the same things he always said to me "trust yourself", "you are worth more than that", "i love you". Each sweet word burns in my head and I feel the despair, that I should have been able to do something, be gentler, or... I dont know, something.
The desire to join him is almost unberable somedays, i just want to make sure he is happy no matter where he is, and that thought is what stops me from commiting CTB, because I put myself in his place and think that that was never what he would have wanted for me.
But still the pain haunts me and I just wanted some advice to cope with it, so.. do you have any tips on how to deal with grief?

 

[looking_for_peace]

he sounds like an amazing person. I'll let someone else answer this because I'm not familiar with your grief, but I really feel for you. I wish the very best for you.

 

[GlitterAndBlood]

Hi there!
I lost someone very close to me so I can to a certain extent understand the grief. First of all I want to send my condolences to you. I am so happy you've made it one year and a half, you should be very proud of that accomplishment!
One thing that helps me cope with the grief is trying to find something that reminds you of that person. For me it is butterflies (real, tattoos, pictures, drawing etc). Whenever I see a butterfly I remind myself of that person and that the person is with me, encouraging me to go on with my life. People who pass away that are close to us would never want to see us grieve in this way, I am most certainly sure. Yet it is harder said than done to not feel this pain.
Another thing that helped me process the pain is to actually acknowledge that the feelings that I was feeling are valid. The sadness, pain, anger and mourning are valid. It is an easier way out to push those feelings away, but if we do not process them and allow ourselves to go through these feeling, they will only be postponed. Sooner or later we have to acknowledge them. To also know that healing is not linear helped me, too. Knowing that some days will be tougher than others, is scary. But to know that some days will be brighter, is a small glimpse of hope for me. And working to make those brighter days more frequent than the dark days, is motivation for me.
I don't know you so idk if you have someone to talk to, but therapist contact helped me. It helped me understand my feelings, receiving ways to cope with them and to know that it's okay to feel these things. The important thing is to know how to cope with tough feelings and how to process them. While being hysterically sad or having a strong urge to CTB you don't think rationally. I urge you to not make permanent decisions in (hopefully) temporary feelings.
Take care of yourself. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to contact me!
<3

 

[Flores de Abril]

Hi there!
I lost someone very close to me so I can to a certain extent understand the grief. First of all I want to send my condolences to you. I am so happy you've made it one year and a half, you should be very proud of that accomplishment!
One thing that helps me cope with the grief is trying to find something that reminds you of that person. For me it is butterflies (real, tattoos, pictures, drawing etc). Whenever I see a butterfly I remind myself of that person and that the person is with me, encouraging me to go on with my life. People who pass away that are close to us would never want to see us grieve in this way, I am most certainly sure. Yet it is harder said than done to not feel this pain.
Another thing that helped me process the pain is to actually acknowledge that the feelings that I was feeling are valid. The sadness, pain, anger and mourning are valid. It is an easier way out to push those feelings away, but if we do not process them and allow ourselves to go through these feeling, they will only be postponed. Sooner or later we have to acknowledge them. To also know that healing is not linear helped me, too. Knowing that some days will be tougher than others, is scary. But to know that some days will be brighter, is a small glimpse of hope for me. And working to make those brighter days more frequent than the dark days, is motivation for me.
I don't know you so idk if you have someone to talk to, but therapist contact helped me. It helped me understand my feelings, receiving ways to cope with them and to know that it's okay to feel these things. The important thing is to know how to cope with tough feelings and how to process them. While being hysterically sad or having a strong urge to CTB you don't think rationally. I urge you to not make permanent decisions in (hopefully) temporary feelings.
Take care of yourself. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to contact me!
<3

Thank you very much for your advice, i hope for your healing too
Right now I dont have exactly someone to talk about that since my friends are also suffering with his death and my last therapist said that the treatment was not working so.. yeah
Your advice on using things that remind me of him is very useful i actually already work with this one, when we were together i planted some lilys in my garden since those were his favorite flowers and now everytime I look at them I have this bitter sweet felling that in the end makes me feel more hopeful. Anyways I hope for this pain to reduce over time and thank you so much again for telling me this <3

 

[Calicocat]

I have dealt with way too much grief. In very few words, i lost almost my whole family when i was in my late childhood and early teenage, just to be put in the care of another even more abusive family. I will not further elaborate on this since it is clearly not the topic.

What helped me cope were videogames and internet, for distracting and not thinking about it. Talking to people, exploring groups, making friends, too. (when i had the energy to do so, it wasn't always.. But games were the largest part of what distracted me)

It was hard, and it took me years to get myself back on track. And i will never be fully healed from all the abuse i went through during and after the losses.
In my case, forgetting about the ones that were gone was the best way for me to move on. I literally stopped thinking about them, and i try to avoid doing that to this day.
They were not here anymore to care, or to worry, or to do anything. So i kind of blocked the memories. Maybe it was the easy way out of the suffering, but if i had not done that i probably would not have survived what came after. I had too much to worry about, too much to solve, being hurt from all the sides, and if i had not tried to suffocate at least the grief and supress it, i'd not be here today. Maybe i was just weak, no idea.

This might not be very helpful to you, since your situation is completely different and you clearly don't want to forget about your loved one.. But maybe distracting from it, finding something to do during your days to find joy on doing, and 'delaying the grief' until the pain is more bearable, it that makes any sense, could help you.
Basically i did the opposite than what Glitter and Blood did, but her advice is probably much better than mine, since i'll clearly have to deal with those feelings in the future, i decided to postpone them.
Other than that, i'm glad you made it this far, if you need someone to talk, feel free to reach out to me too!
Seu perfil parece ter nome em português.

 

[Flores de Abril]

I have dealt with way too much grief. In very few words, i lost almost my whole family when i was in my late childhood and early teenage, just to be put in the care of another even more abusive family. I will not further elaborate on this since it is clearly not the topic.

What helped me cope were videogames and internet, for distracting and not thinking about it. Talking to people, exploring groups, making friends, too. (when i had the energy to do so, it wasn't always.. But games were the largest part of what distracted me)

It was hard, and it took me years to get myself back on track. And i will never be fully healed from all the abuse i went through during and after the losses.
In my case, forgetting about the ones that were gone was the best way for me to move on. I literally stopped thinking about them, and i try to avoid doing that to this day.
They were not here anymore to care, or to worry, or to do anything. So i kind of blocked the memories. Maybe it was the easy way out of the suffering, but if i had not done that i probably would not have survived what came after. I had too much to worry about, too much to solve, being hurt from all the sides, and if i had not tried to suffocate at least the grief and supress it, i'd not be here today. Maybe i was just weak, no idea.

This might not be very helpful to you, since your situation is completely different and you clearly don't want to forget about your loved one.. But maybe distracting from it, finding something to do during your days to find joy on doing, and 'delaying the grief' until the pain is more bearable, it that makes any sense, could help you.
Basically i did the opposite than what Glitter and Blood did, but her advice is probably much better than mine, since i'll clearly have to deal with those feelings in the future, i decided to postpone them.
Other than that, i'm glad you made it this far, if you need someone to talk, feel free to reach out to me too!
Seu perfil parece ter nome em português.

Thank you for your advice as well and for worrying.

It is true that I do not wish to forget my loved one, they were a essencial part on my life after I came out of a very difficulct situation and their memory is mostly assosiated with good moments but it is the grief and the saudade (since I already know u understand portuguese lol) that are killing me. And by any chance you were not weak in the situation, you were being hurt and that's the way you find healing, everyone has a different path to dealing with this stuff so I hope for your recovery day by day just as well.

E é, meu nome ta em português sim, bom achar outro lusófono aqui lol

 

[xelaz]

idk if this can still help but there is a beautifully written text about the feelings of grief that i on found reddit a thew years ago that resonated with me.

Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

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