Time to go at 44

[Lolliepoph]

I'm 44 , been abused most of my life , was lucky at the age of 42 to be blessed with a baby 2 yrs on I can't cope I love her so much but I feel dead inside at times I try and I try to be her mum but can't I drove away the first and only person who actually loved me broken or not . Now I have nothing . I tried to take my own life 6 weeks or so ago but was stopped any advice on how I can do this peacefully . My child will not be around during this she is better of without having half a mother around . I'm dead inside have been for a long time I am now incapable of loving anyone or have them love me I don't want to leave in a drama just peacefully so my child just thinks mummy went to sleep but never woke up.

 

[nothingnobody]

why did you even decide to have a child

 

[Lolliepoph]

why did you even decide to have a child

It wasn't a choice it, I have fibroid tumours was told I'd never conceive but at 42 I by some miracle did and I chose to keep her due to thinking it was so against the odds plus I was in a semi good place at the time but that's not why I'm here to discus my child I love her unconditionally but can't cope with my mental strain any more she is safe and will be with her dad I just want to leave now

 

[Stormy Raine]

I'm sorry you are feeling like this but it's perfectly normal to have mixed emotions on being a mother. I can't advise you on what to do but seems like you could probably benefit from talking to someone. I'm here for a little then I have to work. What is the main issue right now? Do you want to try to talk it out? If not it's ok, just say whatever you want. Here, I'll go 1st, I was adopted and my mother was on drugs. If I'm being honest I'd rather have grew up with you on drugs and a raggedy home then be adopted because my adopted mother is crazy and my life was horrible! I want to ctb too but I can't trust my kids will be ok without me, so I'm stuck here..miserable

 

[Hollowman]

I've been dead inside for a long time, when the time's right I'm thinking a large zip tie and partial hanging's going to be my way out of this hell.

 

[Stormy Raine]

It wasn't a choice it, I have fibroid tumours was told I'd never conceive but at 42 I by some miracle did and I chose to keep her due to thinking it was so against the odds plus I was in a semi good place at the time but that's not why I'm here to discus my child I love her unconditionally but can't cope with my mental strain any more she is safe and will be with her dad I just want to leave now

You don't have to explain, we don't judge here and your daughter is here now. What made you decide you are ready to leave? If that's your plan that's fine, I want to make sure it's a plan you want and not because you don't see a way out to get now
Have you ever attempted to ctb before?

 

[nothingnobody]

It wasn't a choice it, I have fibroid tumours was told I'd never conceive but at 42 I by some miracle did and I chose to keep her due to thinking it was so against the odds plus I was in a semi good place at the time but that's not why I'm here to discus my child I love her unconditionally but can't cope with my mental strain any more she is safe and will be with her dad I just want to leave now

but... if you are so unhappy why do you think the child would be happy?

im sorry for being blunt and im not trying to upset you, i just cant understand why anyone would have a child in this nonsense evil world.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered so much, it's horrible how humans are capable of so much cruelty. But anyway I hope you eventually find what you search for, best wishes.

 

[Lolliepoph]

I'm sorry you are feeling like this but it's perfectly normal to have mixed emotions on being a mother. I can't advise you on what to do but seems like you could probably benefit from talking to someone. I'm here for a little then I have to work. What is the main issue right now? Do you want to try to talk it out? If not it's ok, just say whatever you want. Here, I'll go 1st, I was adopted and my mother was on drugs. If I'm being honest I'd rather have grew up with you on drugs and a raggedy home then be adopted because my adopted mother is crazy and my life was horrible! I want to ctb too but I can't trust my kids will be ok without me, so I'm stuck here..miserable

Hi my child and me being her mum has nothing to do with anything I've wanted to die since I was a child I've just after yrs of abuse had 3 yrs with a person who loved me for me but that's now gone , I love my child but I also feel dead inside when with her at the sane time it's hard to explain , I know I don't belong in this world I never had and will leave it as soon as I can . I want my child to be happy and she is when not round me don't get me wrong I put on an act but that's all it is to please her . Her dad used to love me but now says because of the abuse I've had he can't cope and I've done counselling , psycho therapy etc and I still can't be fixed or have any one understand what happened to me will always be part of me so I need to go I ruins it for everyone

but... if you are so unhappy why do you think the child would be happy?

im sorry for being blunt and im not trying to upset you, i just cant understand why anyone would have a child in this nonsense evil world.

I never said she would and this isn't about my 2 yr old but me . I hoped my little miracle whole fix me a bit but she didn't don't get me wrong she's the most loved well adjusted 2yr old you could meet and she knows mummy as a fun loving person but she is not my point it's me and she has a daddy who loves her so much so I know regardless she'll be happy . I never thought I could have kids then she happened and I don't believe in abortion if you do then that's fine that's your choice but I was also on in a sort of good head space at the time and it's now two yrs on and it's taken this long for the demons to fully reappear so should I have just not had her?

You don't have to explain, we don't judge here and your daughter is here now. What made you decide you are ready to leave? If that's your plan that's fine, I want to make sure it's a plan you want and not because you don't see a way out to get now
Have you ever attempted to ctb before?

Yes I have but been stopped . They resuscitated me at hospital . This is my plan and I will leave I just want to do it at peace as said so in the future my child thinks I just went to sleep and never woke up not some major incident like I jumped in front of a train child trauma is real and I know I'm adding to it but want it to be less traumatic for her in the future

 

[Dot]

but... if you are so unhappy why do you think the child would be happy?

im sorry for being blunt and im not trying to upset you, i just cant understand why anyone would have a child in this nonsense evil world.

= dne nw & OP hd hr chld s/ d/ nt thnk tht challngng hr on th/ issu = helpfl

OP - jst hpe tht u hve flly xplord all of ur optns as u wld obvsly bth b missng out on sme specl tmes if u dcide 2 follw thru wth ur decsn

Srry tht thngs r s/ painfl fr u

 

[Lolliepoph]

= dne nw & OP hd hr chld s/ d/ nt thnk tht challngng hr on th/ issu = helpfl

OP - jst hpe tht u hve flly xplord all of ur optns as u wld obvsly bth b missng out on sme specl tmes if u dcide 2 follw thru wth ur decsn

Srry tht thngs r s/ painfl fr u

I've went over this time and time again and this is now the only option I'll be leaving my child in a happier and better place with her dad , she will mourn me but will understand as she gets older

 

[Dot]

I've went over this time and time again and this is now the only option I'll be leaving my child in a happier and better place with her dad , she will mourn me but will understand as she gets older

Srry tht lfe brght u 2 whre u r nw

 

[Lolliepoph]

Np - srry tht lfe brght u 2 whre u r nw

When it's your time to bow out it's your time and my time is now , I wanted a painless non dramatic way but now I know the quickest and most effective is to cut my wrists and throat so I bid you all good bye and thank you to you who have read my story . God by and god bless I'm home alone so nobody will find me until at least Sunday ..
I'm tired and leering now so good bye and thank you

 

[BlazingBob]

I'm so sorry I know all about fighting the demons resulting from trauma.

 

[front of me]

It seems very difficult, and you have a child, I don't know what to say. Stay with him

 

[Stormy Raine]

I completely understand. You have to do what's best for you. If these are your wishes then I wish u a peaceful transition

 

[SVEN]

Go to sleep as a chrysalis, dreaming of the carefree butterfly you hope to awake as. Every good wish that you find the rest you so desire, weary wanderer.