Okokaykay
Member
- May 10, 2023
- 83
I feel like I'm obligated to take care of myself now.
I have a girlfriend who is similar to me in the sense that they're very self destructive-
They made me promise that we'd both try to get better together, but it's incredibly hard.
I adore her, even though we have a few difficulties in regards to mental health- I think we really do work through things well together.
The problem is, I still have really impulsive urges. She's recovering from self harm and admitted that seeing fresher scars on my body is triggering- So I'm doing my best to recover, but it's resulted in me overdosing more. She has also overdosed a few times in the past months and I've helped her through them, but it can be really difficult to watch someone you care for destroy themselves.
It's really put things into perspective for me.
But I still feel like I'm just buying time, if that makes sense? I feel guilty for thinking this way, but it's as if I'm waiting for things to fizzle out so I can go back to destroying myself.
Today is especially hard. I want to cut or lay on the road or do something impulsive to get rid of this feeling that's been building for weeks now. I don't want to get better, but I have to for those around me. I feel so frustrated. It's selfish and stupid and none of it makes sense. Why can't I just be content with what I have? I still can't think of the future without breaking down into tears. I don't want to be around much longer, but I can't handle the thought of hurting people. She told me that I'm the best thing that's happened to her; that if I were to off myself, she'd do the same.
I love her so much- No one understands me the way she does, but I cant help but worry I'll just fuck everything up for the both of us.
I have a girlfriend who is similar to me in the sense that they're very self destructive-
They made me promise that we'd both try to get better together, but it's incredibly hard.
I adore her, even though we have a few difficulties in regards to mental health- I think we really do work through things well together.
The problem is, I still have really impulsive urges. She's recovering from self harm and admitted that seeing fresher scars on my body is triggering- So I'm doing my best to recover, but it's resulted in me overdosing more. She has also overdosed a few times in the past months and I've helped her through them, but it can be really difficult to watch someone you care for destroy themselves.
It's really put things into perspective for me.
But I still feel like I'm just buying time, if that makes sense? I feel guilty for thinking this way, but it's as if I'm waiting for things to fizzle out so I can go back to destroying myself.
Today is especially hard. I want to cut or lay on the road or do something impulsive to get rid of this feeling that's been building for weeks now. I don't want to get better, but I have to for those around me. I feel so frustrated. It's selfish and stupid and none of it makes sense. Why can't I just be content with what I have? I still can't think of the future without breaking down into tears. I don't want to be around much longer, but I can't handle the thought of hurting people. She told me that I'm the best thing that's happened to her; that if I were to off myself, she'd do the same.
I love her so much- No one understands me the way she does, but I cant help but worry I'll just fuck everything up for the both of us.
