BabyYoda
F*ck this sh!t I'm out
- Dec 30, 2019
- 552
I always think about how no one will truly love me for who I am and it hurts a lot, but at the same time I hate myself for self-pitying. It seems that the other road is just as bad as the one I got off from. My mind tells me that no one is ever going to love me if I'm mentally ill always complaining about life so I should slap myself and get over with it. I don't know if this is because of what Person B said in my Reaching Out post. But I've came to the point where I believe this is all true and I am a garbage human who should be ashamed of themself. I'm really just a negative slack who wants everyone to do the job for me. This is why I believe I do not deserve happiness or love because I have so many major flaws that people get tired of. I can't take responsibility for my life and I always hurt myself for it. I should not be here in this world because people will eventually leave me if they see that I am not improving.
From now on I will not tell much of my problems to friends in real life because I do not want to sabotage our friendship. I should have taken mental health advice with caution. It would be better to spend on therapy which I cannot afford right now than treat my friends like doormats. Telling someone isn't always a good idea. I no longer want to be vulnerable (which some promoted as a "good" thing......BS) to anyone. I want to cry and bleed till my life is taken away. I do not want to ask people for help if I cannot reciprocate, as I believe love can never be true if it is not returned. I do not believe in unconditional love either because people will walk away when they can't take it anymore. I have never experienced any form of true love, even from my family because I cannot love back the way they do. Generally speaking love is so difficult for me and it drains my energy. I just hate it when people do not return the favor. Don't get me wrong, I do hold great respect for my family and friends but this love thing is so alien to me. It is so hard for me to be kind to others because of the uncertainty of how they will react.
Kindness is not simple. Kindness costs something other than money. It costs your time. Energy. Feelings. Mental health. And so does this "love" thing, which I despise with a passion. Love only comes to you when you're perfect. Yes I can be polite but don't expect me to be the kindest person in the world. If we can live with that then so be it.
I am tired of waiting till graduation to find love, romantic or platonic. Seriously. It feels like you're at the hospital door not knowing if there is still a doctor who will treat you. And every second you wait the pain grows stronger. I am tired of trying to heal myself every time I relapse. I want someone to hold me but I am not allowed to feel this way in a world where self-love is advocated. Nobody owes me anything. I shouldn't expect any human being to be kind or loving.
If people want me to be kind then they should be kind to me first. No. Exceptions. Some people will say this is selfish, others will say that this is justified for whatever reason. But I don't care anyways, I am going to die soon. They'll be happy that they won't have to take care of a shitty dirtbag. Who knows for how long I will be broken and defected.
My mental health problems turn me into a horrible person, and since I can't even fix myself I'll just be a burden to others. It seems socially acceptable to abandon people when you aren't "satisfied" with your life with a person who needs help. They say "if a situation makes you feel sad in any way then you are free to walk away". This rule also applies to the mentally ill and it only increases the stigma of mental health. Because of this people should appreciate seeing me rot from my existence. I have nothing to return but pain. I am the toxic one and I can't do anything to change that.
No need for advice here, as I am unable to help myself right now. I just needed to get this off my chest. I might not reply to the comments here because I'll be taking a break from spending my social energy.
From now on I will not tell much of my problems to friends in real life because I do not want to sabotage our friendship. I should have taken mental health advice with caution. It would be better to spend on therapy which I cannot afford right now than treat my friends like doormats. Telling someone isn't always a good idea. I no longer want to be vulnerable (which some promoted as a "good" thing......BS) to anyone. I want to cry and bleed till my life is taken away. I do not want to ask people for help if I cannot reciprocate, as I believe love can never be true if it is not returned. I do not believe in unconditional love either because people will walk away when they can't take it anymore. I have never experienced any form of true love, even from my family because I cannot love back the way they do. Generally speaking love is so difficult for me and it drains my energy. I just hate it when people do not return the favor. Don't get me wrong, I do hold great respect for my family and friends but this love thing is so alien to me. It is so hard for me to be kind to others because of the uncertainty of how they will react.
Kindness is not simple. Kindness costs something other than money. It costs your time. Energy. Feelings. Mental health. And so does this "love" thing, which I despise with a passion. Love only comes to you when you're perfect. Yes I can be polite but don't expect me to be the kindest person in the world. If we can live with that then so be it.
I am tired of waiting till graduation to find love, romantic or platonic. Seriously. It feels like you're at the hospital door not knowing if there is still a doctor who will treat you. And every second you wait the pain grows stronger. I am tired of trying to heal myself every time I relapse. I want someone to hold me but I am not allowed to feel this way in a world where self-love is advocated. Nobody owes me anything. I shouldn't expect any human being to be kind or loving.
If people want me to be kind then they should be kind to me first. No. Exceptions. Some people will say this is selfish, others will say that this is justified for whatever reason. But I don't care anyways, I am going to die soon. They'll be happy that they won't have to take care of a shitty dirtbag. Who knows for how long I will be broken and defected.
My mental health problems turn me into a horrible person, and since I can't even fix myself I'll just be a burden to others. It seems socially acceptable to abandon people when you aren't "satisfied" with your life with a person who needs help. They say "if a situation makes you feel sad in any way then you are free to walk away". This rule also applies to the mentally ill and it only increases the stigma of mental health. Because of this people should appreciate seeing me rot from my existence. I have nothing to return but pain. I am the toxic one and I can't do anything to change that.
No need for advice here, as I am unable to help myself right now. I just needed to get this off my chest. I might not reply to the comments here because I'll be taking a break from spending my social energy.
