Venting Thoughts Sat. July 1st. /23

[Livingvsdying25]

Just typing my thoughts / making a thread for the day.

watching youtube videos, kinda nauseous, hungry but not much appetite... might just eat some chocolate. Better than nothing and rn don't care.

Tired but not sleepy enough and really wanna sleep. I don't wanna be awake.

Ate some vegan baby bel cheese and chocolate.



Life is so fucking painful. Sleeping all day is optimal in these moments but so damn hard..
Anyway... gonna try to zone out enough to sleep...

 

[Deathisbetter]

Just typing my thoughts / making a thread for the day.

watching youtube videos, kinda nauseous, hungry but not much appetite... might just eat some chocolate. Better than nothing and rn don't care.

Tired but not sleepy enough and really wanna sleep. I don't wanna be awake.

Ate some vegan baby bel cheese and chocolate.



Life is so fucking painful. Sleeping all day is optimal in these moments but so damn hard..
Anyway... gonna try to zone out enough to sleep...

Hey man I am glad you ate some baby bel and chocolate hope it was tasty and things get better for you

 

[aGoodDayToDie]

Yeah I'm sick of being awake. I sleep as much as I can. About 12 hours a day. I wish I could sleep all day every day and never wake up again. Unfortunately when we sleep, we fall asleep and before we know it we're awake again. Nature doesn't let us appreciate the lack of consciousness. Life is just an almost endless stream of consciousness. Decades and decades of being painfully aware of our miserable existence. We are in hell. This is hell, for sure. This is our reincarnation into a body designed to torture our souls for not being good enough. Nature is vindictive, make no mistake. One wrong move and you suffer. All just to perpetuate some stupid, arbitrary bit of DNA code. We suffer to perpetuate the pattern. When we deviate from nature's path, we suffer. Well I say enough is enough. I certainly won't be having kids. I'm not fucking gonna be irresponsible like my parents were. Unfortunately there are billions of ignorant people on this planet eager to perpetuate the suffering. They're all mindless automatons driven by genetics to do nature's bidding. They're selfish, irresponsible assholes oblivious to how miserable life can be and that it's wrong to perpetuate the cycle

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Just typing my thoughts / making a thread for the day.

watching youtube videos, kinda nauseous, hungry but not much appetite... might just eat some chocolate. Better than nothing and rn don't care.

Tired but not sleepy enough and really wanna sleep. I don't wanna be awake.

Ate some vegan baby bel cheese and chocolate.



Life is so fucking painful. Sleeping all day is optimal in these moments but so damn hard..
Anyway... gonna try to zone out enough to sleep...

Kinda zoned out and slept. Ate some ritz crackers & chocolate.

Nobody owes me anything but not suprised that I haven't heard from person that came yesterday. Why bother saying anything tho.... sighs... oh well.. I am alone & that's just that ig.

I don't really feel like engaging with anyone at this point anyway. Probs 2 other people to reply to but honestly I just feel alone regardless. No one in my life understands this level of suicidality.

Outside is smoggy and might be raining... my mind is likeeee desperate and wants to jump off a bridge but ig I won't I dunno. Maybe I'll do some research. Tmrw supposed to be the same kinda weather.

I am really feeling my body's soreness rn... think ima order those massage balls might be soothing or whatever... gotta decide before it's outta time for prime/one day delivery...

Not doing much else or much else on my mind. Wanna go back to sleep tbh... just watching youtube videos and hoping I fall back asleep soon.

 

[MrDarkness]

Yeah I wanna sleep forever. I'm tired of thoughts and arguments etc

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Kinda zoned out and slept. Ate some ritz crackers & chocolate.

Nobody owes me anything but not suprised that I haven't heard from person that came yesterday. Why bother saying anything tho.... sighs... oh well.. I am alone & that's just that ig.

I don't really feel like engaging with anyone at this point anyway. Probs 2 other people to reply to but honestly I just feel alone regardless. No one in my life understands this level of suicidality.

Outside is smoggy and might be raining... my mind is likeeee desperate and wants to jump off a bridge but ig I won't I dunno. Maybe I'll do some research. Tmrw supposed to be the same kinda weather.

I am really feeling my body's soreness rn... think ima order those massage balls might be soothing or whatever... gotta decide before it's outta time for prime/one day delivery...

Not doing much else or much else on my mind. Wanna go back to sleep tbh... just watching youtube videos and hoping I fall back asleep soon.

She called but my phone is on do not disturb

So I just texted.

Everyone tryna keep me alive or some shit and I'm tired of it. My other friend glad that someone came by so its not longer her problem. Asking me how the visit went like how the fuck do u think it went. Im not doing well and nothing anyone does is gonna fucking fix or help that.

I don't want to be kept alive or told it'll get better or anything. Im sick of life and living. It's not getting better. I think im just not interested in people much anymore. Or interested in being cared for at a distance. I dont wanna be kept up or alive I just want to be understood where I'm at so...

Gonna go brush my teeth and come back to bed Ig im not sleeping anymore...

She called but my phone is on do not disturb

So I just texted.

Everyone tryna keep me alive or some shit and I'm tired of it. My other friend glad that someone came by so its not longer her problem. Asking me how the visit went like how the fuck do u think it went. Im not doing well and nothing anyone does is gonna fucking fix or help that.

I don't want to be kept alive or told it'll get better or anything. Im sick of life and living. It's not getting better. I think im just not interested in people much anymore. Or interested in being cared for at a distance. I dont wanna be kept up or alive I just want to be understood where I'm at so...

Gonna go brush my teeth and come back to bed Ig im not sleeping anymore...

And I don't mean this to sound ungrateful but it just gets frustrating interacting with people and it's always about life & living and no ones fucking hearing me on the fact that that's not where my head is at. And the fact that trying to get there is causing me so much pain. It's just written off as "ph just gotta keep ya alive etc etc or oh you just need to find hope again" or assuming it's depression. Like IT'S NOT HAPPENING. WHY ISNT ANYONE HEARING ME. IM TRYING TO LIVE & WANT TO & ITS NOT WORKING ANYMORE. It's so fucking frustrating. I don't want to be suicidal but nothing im doing is allowing it to get to a level where I can live at. Im no longer passively suicidal. Im actively suicidal constantly. It's such a horrible way to live.


Anyway there's a thunderstorm & tornado warning. Plus the air quality is bad. It's so dark rn and it's only like 4pm.


Honestly... if I could get fucked up and die via natural causes like a tornado not optimal but hey wouldn't mind...

Weather like this makes jumping off of a bridge very optimal. Waiting for like 30 mins to pass and then might jyst start drinking tbh. See how it makes me feel.

Plus all the tips for safety don't apply to me. I have no one and no where to go and am on the second floor of my apartment building.

Im charging my power bar rn. And might as well charge my laptop. Just in case. I don't even have a flashlight so whatever tbh I just don't care much anymore. Worrying does nothing.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

She called but my phone is on do not disturb

So I just texted.

Everyone tryna keep me alive or some shit and I'm tired of it. My other friend glad that someone came by so its not longer her problem. Asking me how the visit went like how the fuck do u think it went. Im not doing well and nothing anyone does is gonna fucking fix or help that.

I don't want to be kept alive or told it'll get better or anything. Im sick of life and living. It's not getting better. I think im just not interested in people much anymore. Or interested in being cared for at a distance. I dont wanna be kept up or alive I just want to be understood where I'm at so...

Gonna go brush my teeth and come back to bed Ig im not sleeping anymore...

And I don't mean this to sound ungrateful but it just gets frustrating interacting with people and it's always about life & living and no ones fucking hearing me on the fact that that's not where my head is at. And the fact that trying to get there is causing me so much pain. It's just written off as "ph just gotta keep ya alive etc etc or oh you just need to find hope again" or assuming it's depression. Like IT'S NOT HAPPENING. WHY ISNT ANYONE HEARING ME. IM TRYING TO LIVE & WANT TO & ITS NOT WORKING ANYMORE. It's so fucking frustrating. I don't want to be suicidal but nothing im doing is allowing it to get to a level where I can live at. Im no longer passively suicidal. Im actively suicidal constantly. It's such a horrible way to live.


Anyway there's a thunderstorm & tornado warning. Plus the air quality is bad. It's so dark rn and it's only like 4pm.


Honestly... if I could get fucked up and die via natural causes like a tornado not optimal but hey wouldn't mind...

Weather like this makes jumping off of a bridge very optimal. Waiting for like 30 mins to pass and then might jyst start drinking tbh. See how it makes me feel.

Plus all the tips for safety don't apply to me. I have no one and no where to go and am on the second floor of my apartment building.

Im charging my power bar rn. And might as well charge my laptop. Just in case. I don't even have a flashlight so whatever tbh I just don't care much anymore. Worrying does nothing.

Weather here is always so fucking wack. It rained and was a thunderstorm for like 5mins and now its sunny outside I bet it'll be grey & raining soon anyway.

I have a coupon and am thinking of ordering some Japanese snacks, drinks & cup noodles... since the weather is a lil better might as well.

The person hasn't texted me back but I assume they are busy & I do not feel like physically talking today/rn.... maybe?

As the day has gone by I'm feeling more awake sooo maybe I'll play minecraft for the first time with friends or maybe I need this full day to myself to settle some feelings I'm not too sure?? I really really wanted to go out enjoying some things but I try to engage & suicide is swallowing me whole.

I just wanted to be able to have some fun before I die but I don't even think its in my capacity anymore. It's just sad.

physical health issues impact mood/mental capacity/head space and change like hourly tbh. (Felt very validated relating to mood changes on hyperthyroidism subreddit)



Dunnnoo gonna see how much my order comes up to with coupon & consider the price of massage balls.


Soo yeahh I might get up / I find I often have more energy in the evening soooo I dunno.

I think it's sad when the basic desire of enjoyment is robbed from me. I've had literally one day where not being consumed in suicide and doing living things has gone well/felt good. In the last 2-3 months so no wonder im so miserable.

Im scared/ hesitant to even try now. But im bored and awake so... I dunnooooooo the sooner life comes to end the better.

It's a weird phenomenon felt across many chronically ill folks of feeling better in ways in the evening/certain times of the day.

I'm really not sure and not sure why. I don't feel better suicidal wise but maybe finally a little lighter today. Could be the rain helping with the air quality who knows tbhhh... im even kinda sleepy. So ima jussss go ahead and relax tbh. Not gonna pressure myself too much for anything.

Order snacks & massage balls bc woahhh my back is not even just sore but painful.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Weather here is always so fucking wack. It rained and was a thunderstorm for like 5mins and now its sunny outside I bet it'll be grey & raining soon anyway.

I have a coupon and am thinking of ordering some Japanese snacks, drinks & cup noodles... since the weather is a lil better might as well.

The person hasn't texted me back but I assume they are busy & I do not feel like physically talking today/rn.... maybe?

As the day has gone by I'm feeling more awake sooo maybe I'll play minecraft for the first time with friends or maybe I need this full day to myself to settle some feelings I'm not too sure?? I really really wanted to go out enjoying some things but I try to engage & suicide is swallowing me whole.

I just wanted to be able to have some fun before I die but I don't even think its in my capacity anymore. It's just sad.

physical health issues impact mood/mental capacity/head space and change like hourly tbh. (Felt very validated relating to mood changes on hyperthyroidism subreddit)



Dunnnoo gonna see how much my order comes up to with coupon & consider the price of massage balls.


Soo yeahh I might get up / I find I often have more energy in the evening soooo I dunno.

I think it's sad when the basic desire of enjoyment is robbed from me. I've had literally one day where not being consumed in suicide and doing living things has gone well/felt good. In the last 2-3 months so no wonder im so miserable.

Im scared/ hesitant to even try now. But im bored and awake so... I dunnooooooo the sooner life comes to end the better.

It's a weird phenomenon felt across many chronically ill folks of feeling better in ways in the evening/certain times of the day.

I'm really not sure and not sure why. I don't feel better suicidal wise but maybe finally a little lighter today. Could be the rain helping with the air quality who knows tbhhh... im even kinda sleepy. So ima jussss go ahead and relax tbh. Not gonna pressure myself too much for anything.

Order snacks & massage balls bc woahhh my back is not even just sore but painful.

Ordered snacks/cup noodles/ice cream & drinks very satisfied with my order and while im not eating much rn I'm very satisfied/ feeling secure with the food levels in my place rn. Feelin a bit more relaxed inside & can't explain why tbh but it's making me feel sleepy. Like my mind isn't consumed by a thousand things... not feeling impulsive need to kill myself... just relaxed as I can be. Not needing to like even over entertain or distract. maybe its the body relaxing?

Ordered massage balls & can't wait to use em. My body might feel better tmrw but it's always in some kinda pain sooo im excited to have these bc my hands were not helping with knots & such.


Its hard for me to do things for myself without guilt but lately it's getting a lil bit easier.

I dunno but im finally sleepy so im just gonna chill. Watch kpop variety videos and allow my brain to just chill. Don't wanna risk being too laxxed and having intrusive thoughts sooo yeah..

Inflammation can really fuck with mood so I'm wondering if its that but I shall figure it out later or maybe not at all. Finally yawning. Finally not in such severe emotional pain. So gonna enjoy these moments. Bc it's hard to achieve these days.

Might eat CBD/CBN/THC gummy and really get some good sleep/ go to bed early tonight. Woah yawning a lot rn.

Friend never texted back & I didn't text my other friend back. Everyone thinks im gonna live forever anyway so... just not in the mood for certain interactions. I dunno. Hard to explain but it's just like... yeah.. it's just hard. Will try tmrw or just allow myself some space.


Well night for now y'all I hope I really can sleep.

Ordered snacks/cup noodles/ice cream & drinks very satisfied with my order and while im not eating much rn I'm very satisfied/ feeling secure with the food levels in my place rn. Feelin a bit more relaxed inside & can't explain why tbh but it's making me feel sleepy. Like my mind isn't consumed by a thousand things... not feeling impulsive need to kill myself... just relaxed as I can be. Not needing to like even over entertain or distract. maybe its the body relaxing?

Ordered massage balls & can't wait to use em. My body might feel better tmrw but it's always in some kinda pain sooo im excited to have these bc my hands were not helping with knots & such.


Its hard for me to do things for myself without guilt but lately it's getting a lil bit easier.

I dunno but im finally sleepy so im just gonna chill. Watch kpop variety videos and allow my brain to just chill. Don't wanna risk being too laxxed and having intrusive thoughts sooo yeah..

Inflammation can really fuck with mood so I'm wondering if its that but I shall figure it out later or maybe not at all. Finally yawning. Finally not in such severe emotional pain. So gonna enjoy these moments. Bc it's hard to achieve these days.

Might eat CBD/CBN/THC gummy and really get some good sleep/ go to bed early tonight. Woah yawning a lot rn.

Friend never texted back & I didn't text my other friend back. Everyone thinks im gonna live forever anyway so... just not in the mood for certain interactions. I dunno. Hard to explain but it's just like... yeah.. it's just hard. Will try tmrw or just allow myself some space.


Well night for now y'all I hope I really can sleep.

Of course the minute I decide ima just sleep/relax my brain back fires. I was about to reply to a friend but then... it activated me too much. I didn't bother but yeee could be that... sighhhsss getting kinda hungry not really into any full meals so may jus have cheese or smthin.

I just want some sleep fr fr.... being awake is shit and im tired... anyway gonna play the not too stimulating game I play and see how it goes

No point stressing over it bc that doesn't help anything.... maybe I'll eat some pizza pockets. Jus hoping I eventually sleep.

Feelin blah. A bit brain dead and desperate for the escape of sleep.