Venting Thoughts on My Isolation, Anxiety, Feelings of Worthlessness, and Hope

[Memento]

I was always introverted and kept to my self—a huge part of that was my anxiety and my lack of social skills. It's even anxiety-inducing talking online and it's fucking embarrassing. I have to obsess every little thing I do and worry how it might affect someone else. So I usually end up in my room—door closed—and distract myself from my problems. My room feels like a safe place; a place where I can escape the religious pressures of my family and be myself since I can't around them.

I try to improve myself—go to the gym, get some physical activity, try to socialize with friends. It improves my mood, it motivates me to get out of this rut if only for a brief moment. But the depression and anxiety comeback a 100-fold. I don't know how describe it, there's like a void inside me, something missing—something wrong with me. A constant feeling of regret, of not belonging, a waste of space that should have never existed in the first place. I don't want that to be true, but when mind gets reinforcing how much a worthless piece of shit you are it's hard not to agree.

I can't accept myself, I can't love myself, I want to live, but I want to die. I'm so conflicted and hurting and exhausted and alone—and being alone felt right—a state in which nobody has to deal with me: A worthless, useless, socially awkward loser.

I hate that I'm like this, I hate the I think like this about myself, but I can't help it. I want to have hope in myself, I want to love myself, I want to feel genuine happiness and relationships and achieve the goals I have set out for myself.

But maybe that's why I keep going, because I hold onto hope for a better future. A future not dictated by my parents and their cult, not controlled by my fear and worries and self-consciousness. Where I will be free and at peace—happy.

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

I try to improve myself—go to the gym, get some physical activity, try to socialize with friends. It improves my mood, it motivates me to get out of this rut if only for a brief moment. But the depression and anxiety comeback a 100-fold. I don't know how describe it, there's like a void inside me, something missing—something wrong with me. A constant feeling of regret, of not belonging, a waste of space that should have never existed in the first place. I don't want that to be true, but when mind gets reinforcing how much a worthless piece of shit you are it's hard not to agree.

I relate hard, it's not easy to describe but I feel uncomfortable being happy or maybe repulsed by it. I don't like being happy, I find so much more comfort in feelings of sadness - loneliness and regret than joy. It feels like I deserve to be sad so this is fine.

Honestly, if I had the choice to be sad or happy for the rest of my life, I'd choose sadness. Joy is foreign and I know I want it but it's so nerve wracking feeling what others feel - being carefree and positive. It's just not how I see myself.

It's like the unease you get when you're watching a horror movie and you sense the slasher looming in the shadows - you know they're there just not where. That's how I'd put the feeling, it's quite complex.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really does sound so awful what you have to endure, life certainly is so unnecessarily cruel and the way that I see it there is no real relief from suffering in this world. But anyway I wish you the best, this world where people suffer all through no fault of their own undeniably is so hellish.