Trying to understand where my laziness comes from. There is a sense of disbelief both in myself and in the world: a disbelief that i am capable of doing stuff (i can't make friends, i won't be able to find a fulfilling job), and a disbelief in the world (other people won't want to be my friends and i can't control them, there are very few available fulfilling jobs i could take).
If i was somehow able to have friends and a fulfilling well paying job, i don't think i would bother myself with any philosophy, i would just enjoy being loved and being comfortable.
That said, let's tackle first the disbelief on myself. Sure, i agree discipline would help up to a certain point, but i am also skeptical about how much it can really help. I still believe there's something off putting about me that even with discipline, it wouldn't make people like me. Also, even if I'm the most disciplined, i still can't control the outside world. Two of my friends decided to walk out on me, even when i did everything right. One of them destroyed our friendship and trust despite me being a good friend, and the other walked out on me because they had feelings for me. Discipline would better my chances at competing for very few good jobs, but the view is still bleak. Why would i focus on my discipline when i see professionals systemically being underpaid in my country, and when i'm uncertain if i will get to do my masters?
Then we can talk about discipline not as wishful thinking, but as the only way to avoid an awful fate. This seems to me more true to reality, but it's not very comforting. Being forced to do something just so that i can avoid a horrible fate, it makes me feel like a prisioner. And yet, that's the sentiment that best reflects the reality of life. It makes me turn to ideation because even tho i lack the predispositions for it, if i don't perform well in life, i will be severely punished in it.
Everything i do will be to not exacerbate my suffering by loneliness and poverty.
Not only i would not bet on myself that i can escape those things, but i think it's unfair that i'm stuck in this situation at all.
If i was somehow able to have friends and a fulfilling well paying job, i don't think i would bother myself with any philosophy, i would just enjoy being loved and being comfortable.
That said, let's tackle first the disbelief on myself. Sure, i agree discipline would help up to a certain point, but i am also skeptical about how much it can really help. I still believe there's something off putting about me that even with discipline, it wouldn't make people like me. Also, even if I'm the most disciplined, i still can't control the outside world. Two of my friends decided to walk out on me, even when i did everything right. One of them destroyed our friendship and trust despite me being a good friend, and the other walked out on me because they had feelings for me. Discipline would better my chances at competing for very few good jobs, but the view is still bleak. Why would i focus on my discipline when i see professionals systemically being underpaid in my country, and when i'm uncertain if i will get to do my masters?
Then we can talk about discipline not as wishful thinking, but as the only way to avoid an awful fate. This seems to me more true to reality, but it's not very comforting. Being forced to do something just so that i can avoid a horrible fate, it makes me feel like a prisioner. And yet, that's the sentiment that best reflects the reality of life. It makes me turn to ideation because even tho i lack the predispositions for it, if i don't perform well in life, i will be severely punished in it.
Everything i do will be to not exacerbate my suffering by loneliness and poverty.
Not only i would not bet on myself that i can escape those things, but i think it's unfair that i'm stuck in this situation at all.
