Help Thoughts on Homicide and CTB

[Webnext]

Hi there. First post here, I have joined awhile back in March but didn't had time to be on here often due to starting college and busy things. I don't know if this is allowed to talk about homocide or an act of violence on someone else on here since I don't see many people talk about this but I can't hold up my anger that I've been dealing with for the last three years. Just to reassure, I'm not a murderer or want to kill anybody at all. I'm 21M and I have been dealing with OCD and been getting repetitive negative thoughts that I've experienced in the past that traumatizes me even when I was a child. It definitely hurts emotionally and gives me pain in my chest and one thing that happened that I cannot let go was one of my high school teachers that I had. I had a math teacher who I really liked with her teaching but she was very strict and let me down and left me out almost everyday I've been with her. She didn't listen or understand me and made me feel neglected. Ever since I graduated, I cannot move on and that's me and I know it may seem like it's nothing but I make it into a bigger problem for myself. I started feeling revenge and getting mad at her for all the bad things she's done to me and was thinking about doing a revenge attack to send out a message of how bad she was and I know where she lives and what house but I keep saying to myself to move on and let go but I can't and that's why I'm here to get support. But what's more important is my suicidal thoughts. It all started when I was a freshman in high school back in 2018 and this was even before when I first met my math teacher, I was struggling and suffering in pain with how hard my education is and became a buildup of bullying and getting left out all the time and things did get better especially now that I'm in college but I know one day I might ctb if things for me don't get better sooner or later so I'm in desperate need of support. It has gotten worse from feeling down and suicidal to not being able to control myself with getting revenge on somebody else that hurted me and I don't want to kill or hurt anybody at all and mainly only want to ctb. I know this is kind of long but there's still a lot more that I want to cover but I'll put it in my future posts but just want to give an introduction on my feelings and thoughts.

 

[Grumble]

You are obviously having an extremely difficult time. I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better. I hope you are able to find somebody to talk to and relate to for personal support. At the very least, know that you are here in a community that's full of people who are struggling very badly as well.

 

[suicidaltransgirl]

Hey there, I think it's normal to have thoughts of revenge towards people who abused or neglected us, especially early in recovery. I used to fantasize about killing my father a lot. After a while, I simply realized that it would only make my mental illness worse and validate his enablers. Besides, I'm an adult now, have my own place and don't need him in my life anymore. It would have made more sense and would have been more justified to do it when I was a helpless child.

 

[Bear1234]

I'm gonna offer another perspective for you in hopes that it helps. Im so sorry you are dealing with such thoughts and struggling. Its a terrible feeling to struggle. Now this math teacher that was not so nice to you, obviously her actions were bad and she should have been better to you, no doubt about it but sometimes I like to think that we never really know what someone is going through. I deal with a chronic illness and it makes me so bitter and angry sometimes even though I am actually very a sweet and kind person. We don't know what might be going on in her personal life that made her so bitter or cruel. Although nothing justifies acting in that way, maybe we can give her a little bit of grace and maybe that might make it easier for you to understand why she might have been behaving that way. Mostly this is to ease your feelings about this teacher so that you don't hold on to this anger. If this doesn't resonate, you can disregard it but just wanted to offer another perspective.

 

[Webnext]

You are obviously having an extremely difficult time. I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better. I hope you are able to find somebody to talk to and relate to for personal support. At the very least, know that you are here in a community that's full of people who are struggling very badly as well.

Thanks, I know this community can help me a lot with my feelings I just wish I knew this site for a long time back when I had my suicidal thoughts

Hey there, I think it's normal to have thoughts of revenge towards people who abused or neglected us, especially early in recovery. I used to fantasize about killing my father a lot. After a while, I simply realized that it would only make my mental illness worse and validate his enablers. Besides, I'm an adult now, have my own place and don't need him in my life anymore. It would have made more sense and would have been more justified to do it when I was a helpless child.

I agree, I know that I'm a rule follower and even if I attempt to do any violence or harming someone else that it will make it worse for me but my plan was to ctb right after so I wouldn't be suffering the consequences and ending up in jail time if I got caught which would be my worst nightmare. My father was abusive to me too, back when I was a child, my mom was taking care of me and had to take my dad to court for visitation rights and became stressful for her but she always supported me no matter what even today

I'm gonna offer another perspective for you in hopes that it helps. Im so sorry you are dealing with such thoughts and struggling. Its a terrible feeling to struggle. Now this math teacher that was not so nice to you, obviously her actions were bad and she should have been better to you, no doubt about it but sometimes I like to think that we never really know what someone is going through. I deal with a chronic illness and it makes me so bitter and angry sometimes even though I am actually very a sweet and kind person. We don't know what might be going on in her personal life that made her so bitter or cruel. Although nothing justifies acting in that way, maybe we can give her a little bit of grace and maybe that might make it easier for you to understand why she might have been behaving that way. Mostly this is to ease your feelings about this teacher so that you don't hold on to this anger. If this doesn't resonate, you can disregard it but just wanted to offer another perspective.

I can somewhat agree with this. I am smart and always nice to everybody. And since I'm studying for college and pursuing my degree soon, I'm nowhere close to a criminal or break any laws and rules. I actually do know my teacher's personal life since I remember on the first day of school, she did a presentation to the class to get to know her and she does have a family like a husband and has children and she was pregnant when I was there so she obviously had another child being born, so I knew that her personal life was enjoyable for her but the thing that irritates me is her teaching life was different and don't understand why. I know I have a lot of explaining to do from start to finish as I'm trying to remember everything in my head that I can think of the mistakes that she did.