badenddonuts
Member
- Dec 31, 2025
- 5
sorry if this gets too adjacent to rambling. i don't have anywhere else to put it, and i'd rather have my thoughts be seen than rot in the notes app. i'll probably use this over the next few days until it's really time to go.
i've never really worked with a hard deadline like this before. it's an odd feeling.
i've attempted before in the past, but it was an impulsive thing when i was really just a kid, so i didn't get far with it. now that i'm old enough to have the freedom to plan properly it almost feels too easy. like i should've just done this a few months ago instead of dragging it out for so long. it's pricey, but not on the level of bankrupting me. it was a scary thought at first, but now it feels eerily natural.
i've set myself up for 10 days left to live, and despite it being such a tight deadline, i don't really feel any pressure over it? i don't know if that's meant to be a good thing or not. there's nothing i'm really craving outside of a good drink or two before i go. i don't have any lingering regrets. it really just feels like i've exhausted all my options.
i don't particularly want to get too into my personal life, but something unpleasant happened a few days ago, and i wasn't able to eat or sleep for days until i finally set my mind to dying. it's like a switch flipped, almost. for days i couldn't do anything much other than cry and shake and struggle to hold my body upright, but now it's like i'm just. fine. like nothing ever happened, outside of the physical weakness. i still can't eat properly, and my sense of taste has definitely dulled, but emotionally i don't feel much at all. i don't know if it's supposed to be like this. i always thought i'd die in a much more cinematic way, suffering until the very end, but it's more like falling asleep in the bed of someone i love. it's strange.
i've never really worked with a hard deadline like this before. it's an odd feeling.
i've attempted before in the past, but it was an impulsive thing when i was really just a kid, so i didn't get far with it. now that i'm old enough to have the freedom to plan properly it almost feels too easy. like i should've just done this a few months ago instead of dragging it out for so long. it's pricey, but not on the level of bankrupting me. it was a scary thought at first, but now it feels eerily natural.
i've set myself up for 10 days left to live, and despite it being such a tight deadline, i don't really feel any pressure over it? i don't know if that's meant to be a good thing or not. there's nothing i'm really craving outside of a good drink or two before i go. i don't have any lingering regrets. it really just feels like i've exhausted all my options.
i don't particularly want to get too into my personal life, but something unpleasant happened a few days ago, and i wasn't able to eat or sleep for days until i finally set my mind to dying. it's like a switch flipped, almost. for days i couldn't do anything much other than cry and shake and struggle to hold my body upright, but now it's like i'm just. fine. like nothing ever happened, outside of the physical weakness. i still can't eat properly, and my sense of taste has definitely dulled, but emotionally i don't feel much at all. i don't know if it's supposed to be like this. i always thought i'd die in a much more cinematic way, suffering until the very end, but it's more like falling asleep in the bed of someone i love. it's strange.
