PI3.14
š„§
- Oct 4, 2024
- 89
It sucks when depression hits you again and again, reminding you of the shitty situation you're in, of the bad choices you've made, of the opportunities you've lost...this will never stop unless I probably put an end to it all and finally rest forever.
The progress I've made pales in comparison to what I've lost. One day I'll leave my last message here, will tell my full story, my pain and the darkness that engulf me and that no body sees. It will probably be what seems like a normal day when my family members will all receive a scheduled auto message telling them that their son and brother has committed suicide. It will be sent after at least 4 hours of my attempt.
I could see the color of their face changes when reading the message, them running to my room knocking on the closed door hoping for an answer. I'll be long gone by then. They'll probably start crying at the door, hopeless, confused, and in shock. I can hear their screams and them calling 911 in utter distress. They fear the worse has happened.
I could see them finally breaking into the room, falling to the ground at the sight of their dead son and brother. "He is gone, he is gone"...I can hear them utter the words while crying.
The house will no longer feel comfortable to be in, the family will severely be affected and it will most likely fall apart. I could see my mom refusing to be in the house for months if not years, her son was found dead in it after all. I could see my dad almost going crazy, he will think that he has failed as a parent. Shame will probably control him for the rest of his life.
Although I can imagine how painful this will be for my family, I'm so much in pain that my chest physically hurts on a daily basis. I unfortunately cannot live just for them.
The progress I've made pales in comparison to what I've lost. One day I'll leave my last message here, will tell my full story, my pain and the darkness that engulf me and that no body sees. It will probably be what seems like a normal day when my family members will all receive a scheduled auto message telling them that their son and brother has committed suicide. It will be sent after at least 4 hours of my attempt.
I could see the color of their face changes when reading the message, them running to my room knocking on the closed door hoping for an answer. I'll be long gone by then. They'll probably start crying at the door, hopeless, confused, and in shock. I can hear their screams and them calling 911 in utter distress. They fear the worse has happened.
I could see them finally breaking into the room, falling to the ground at the sight of their dead son and brother. "He is gone, he is gone"...I can hear them utter the words while crying.
The house will no longer feel comfortable to be in, the family will severely be affected and it will most likely fall apart. I could see my mom refusing to be in the house for months if not years, her son was found dead in it after all. I could see my dad almost going crazy, he will think that he has failed as a parent. Shame will probably control him for the rest of his life.
Although I can imagine how painful this will be for my family, I'm so much in pain that my chest physically hurts on a daily basis. I unfortunately cannot live just for them.
