Those planning to ctb, are you excited about it?

[ssUser34]

I've been planning to commit for some time now. I will be in my home country in a few days where I will have access to SN, now the only thing left will be to plan a time where I will most likely not be discovered.

I'm honestly kind of excited to die if I do decide to go through with it. I wont have to deal with anything anymore, won't have to think about all the painful things in the back of my mind. I will just become a memory for everyone around me. I hope I will be remembered. Sure some things are holding me back, like what if it gets better. But honestly since it hasn't gotten better for half a year and mostly worse, I don't think so. At least not in the near future. So as soon as I get my hands on SN, the urge to ctb will probably win. But who knows.

I guess you could say I'm a little scared too, going back to the "what if it gets better" scenario. But at the same time, when I'm dead, I wont have to think about that, I will just cease to exist either way.

 

[Madison98]

I'm very much on the same boat as you, my SN just arrived today actually. I just spent the last 2 hours balling my eyes out while holding my SN packet. It's weird the tears weren't just coming from a place of sadness or agony but also relief. I not planning on using my SN anytime soon because there are a few things I have to wait to happen before I make my decision. It's just so goddamn comforting to know my preferred out is finally here. I don't have think about crashing my car, or blowing my head off with a gun or jumping off a building and traumatise everyone around me. I can settle in a place of peace and go easily.

Am I excited about CTB? No I'm not. I don't want to leave my kids without a parent or my family In pain because of my passing. I have friends that rely on me and love me. I wish more then anything my life didn't turn out the way it has, I dream about a different reality all the time and I'm so mad that this may never change or become better.

 

[ih34rty0u]

im scared and i also feel sad knowing that there are people living happy lives while i have to suffer. i wish there was a way to fix my problems other than ctb, but ive lived enough to realize it never really gets better.