Discussion Those of you hanging on for the sake of others, how long have you been hanging on for? Poll

[Forever Sleep]

Just curious really. I know a lot of people here are hanging on because they worry about the impact it will have on people left behind.

If this is you- how long have you been holding on for? Do you think you can continue to hold on for them?

For me- I've had ideation for 33 years. The intensity has varied throughout that time but I've always felt like there were a few people- family and friends who I simply couldn't do it to. My Dad is the last person remaining. Hopefully, I can hold out for the remaining time and hopefully, I'll summon the courage to do it after that. How about you?

 

[mafuyu]

I have my partner. That's it. I don't care about anyone else. Well, maybe my cat.

Parents disowned me several years ago. We never had a relationship anyways.

 

[Kurushii]

I have my partner as well, but as much as I care for him he is not enough to make myself suffer any longer than I need to. And nobody is, as nobody can take away my pain.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Almost 5 years for me, but I've decided I'm done staying alive for other people. Either I have to do it for myself or I'm just gonna leave. Staying alive for others is way too exhausting to keep doing any longer, so I'm amazed that some members on this site have managed to do it for 10+ or 20+ years.

The worst would be sticking around for 33 years... That probably makes you the champion of staying alive for others, but it doesn't sound like a championship belt worth fighting for IMO.

 

[allblackallwhite]

8 years.

 

[Unending]

My first suicidal thought was when I was a kid but in the last four or so years, I've been ready to go. Of course those moments like the honeymoon phase of a relationship or drug induced bliss held my suicidal thoughts at bay for a while but it obviously never lasted and only made things worse.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Almost 5 years for me, but I've decided I'm done staying alive for other people. Either I have to do it for myself or I'm just gonna leave. Staying alive for others is way too exhausting to keep doing any longer, so I'm amazed that some members on this site have managed to do it for 10+ or 20+ years.

The worst would be sticking around for 33 years... That probably makes you the champion of staying alive for others, but it doesn't sound like a championship belt worth fighting for IMO.

Lol- you're right. It's not a competition anyone wants to win... To be fair- the feelings have ranged in intensity and frequency. Creativity was a really good distraction for quite a few years. Still- even then, I've always felt ready to go- as it were. Thank God the ideation hasn't been as strong as it is now all that time! I barely seem to be able to get it off my mind at the moment.

 

[VioletNight]

Basically my whole life since I was 9 or so, never CTB because I knew my family needed me as the rest of them are a bit dysfunctional.

 

[Undefined]

three years — see join date. enough is enough and i am going to act on it soon, no doubt about it.

 

[bramblebamblebambe]

I have had ideation for about 20 years. My family has been bittersweet, sweeter after dad passed. When I was more naive I truly believed that family, love and hope was enough to keep holding on but it's not. I wish it was so much.i have no hope now and for a years I thought I couldn't feel love for others, I was completely numb, but after Christmas I fully accepted that I was going to cbt, I physically can't go on anymore for others. When the decision has fully been absorbed my body and minds reaction changed. I felt a sense of peace and control but I am also grieving my family, I am crying so much more, you know the kind, when you stop mid what you're doing out of nowhere and breakdown, it literally feels like I'm shattering, I feel so much guilt, sorrow, it aches, and makes it harder to reply to them which then makes me feel more guilty. But it also means I feel love for them.....which brings a little relief.

 

[RichardFirst]

I'm 36. I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a child. It's become profound in recent years, but I'm still here. Mostly, it's been to help my mother, but that soon will not be necessary.

 

[Лавина]

I have a chronic severe illness. In two years, I see how the attitude towards me has changed. I don't need anyone. when I die they will only feel sorry for themselves. so I don't give a damn about the feelings of my relatives

 

[angelcircuit]

The host has stayed around due to the multitude of people he would cling onto and be obsessed with, so he couldn't bring himself to CTB. It's been like this since we have been 9 years old, and whenever we would lose the person that he put on a pedestal it was either an extreme period of severe dissociation or we had no access to such methods so we were stuck, but then he would quickly find someone else or a form of media to latch onto. This time it was a close friend along with an anime/manga called 'Sasaki to Miyano' and he didn't want to let go until he helped out the friend with their troubles and finished all of the manga volumes.

Unfortunately he has been away for most of the month, which has led me and another alter to take up his space. It is fairly easy for the other headmate to act as him, but for me it is excruciatingly tiring because I cannot bring myself to care for the world and the people within it. Not even the close friend. I'm still here for couple of reasons; mostly because I'm still researching a method and because I am waiting to see if he will come back soon. I would rather not kill off the body, but I will if I must. I cannot be him.

Apologies for oversharing

 

[Midnight-rain]

7.5 years to 8 years, but different people throughout the years. I hate doing it. Yet the person I am "staying alive for" understands my need to ctb and for that I am grateful.

 

[dweams]

Every time I tried (which were pretty weak attempts, to be honest) and survived, I thought maybe if I tried a little harder and kept trying until I finally got it right, things would get better. And I wouldn't have to worry about everyone feeling sad or guilty because I'd still be here. Sadly, after a decade, that hope is dying too.

I'm just so tired. I don't want to live in a fantasy anymore.

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

put 'a year' but its kinda been longer? and more complicated than that. ive been actively suicidal for over a year, so i had to make the conscious decision to live for my girlfriend, but also ive flipped in-between trying to live for her and trying to kms (depending on my level of tolerance for existence). before then i was more passively suicidal, and my gf was a reason my suicidal thoughts werent super active for a while

 

[borderline-feline]

I'm not really certain how long it's been, but I think around 6 or 7 years maybe. I've gone from favorite person to favorite person, and it often results in me making promises that I'll stay alive because I don't want to scare away whoever my favorite person is at that given time. Unfortunately, my efforts to keep people from leaving me often end up pushing them away.

I'm staying alive because I can't bring myself to hurt my favorite person. I would be even more worthless than I already am if I did that. If I ever hurt him, then I'd want to be punished with eternal torture since I'd deserve it.

 

[sorrowed_ender]

I want to die, but I dont want to leave my partner behind. I love them so much and they have helped me through alot, but I wish I could do alot more for them. They are the most caring, understanding, and loving person I've ever met, and its been almost 4 years since I've known them. I could never imagine my life w/o them and I would die AND kill for them.

 

[itsallpointless]

22 years and counting. According to my calculations at most I will have to wait for 25 more years

 

[TheTranstarEngineer]

For months now it feels like the only reason I do anything of importance is for other people, but also I feel like I've never done much for myself.

 

[honeyed_achelois]

5-6 years now. i know if i even attempted now it would destroy my mom. if i didn't feel so guilty about her finding me then i would've tried years ago. maybe after i move out i'll finally get the courage.

 

[WeighAnchor]

I've had suicidal thoughts for about 10 years, tried to CTB once 6 years ago. I've got parents, siblings, nephews/nieces and friends. It's primarily the immediate family and their kids that holds me back. I'm on good terms with my friends, but I've distanced myself from them a lot, so I think the impact would be lesser on them.

None of them are likely to die anytime soon, and I find it highly unlikely that I could convince them it's for the best. Even in the small chance I could, I feel like I shouldn't. I imagine the guilt would be unbearable for them if I did.

So I dunno, sometimes I think it's sooner rather than later, other times I think I can hold on for a while longer.

 

[missingpeace]

I am not a crucial part of my family anymore because of my mental sickness, they know my deteriorating condition so although they will be upset I think they will recover soon after I've gone. Im not married and don't have any children, nor any mortgages or loans. Good place to be if considering ctb imo.

 

[CyberCat95]

I've had ideation for a lot of my life but after a failed attempt I was too scared to try again until a year or so ago. There's one person. We don't see each other that much anymore but I think it would still affect him if I did. And another person, I know it would affect him and I'd feel so awful even if we don't talk as much. Also not sure how they'd even find out.

 

[lost&lonely]

Too many years to remember. Why? After previous failed attempts I am stuck in this turmoil until I have a guaranteed peaceful way to go.

 

[TAW122]

Too long, I'd say at least 10-20 years because I haven't been like that when I was born or even during my childhood until almost adolescence, which was when I learned about CTB and stuff. I didn't know about voluntary euthanasia or even the word "euthanasia" until I was in university in an English class of some sort.. It would be accurate to say that I've suffered far longer than a decade, at least for the majority of my life.