Venting This situation is just very weird, hard and complicated

[miauimon]

Sorry, I do not know which prefix is the most accurate for my post. I'm trying to be as short as possible because that's something I have to learn - to be able to express my feelings without writing a wall of text.

So I've always had suicidal tendencies and I could always hide them before. They weren't all too serious, but yeah, they were there.

Anyway in January my ex-boyfriend broke up with me, which was very hard because I saw how my problems literally destroyed the nicest, most loving and amazing relationship I've had. This was also the breaking point for me, but at the same time - because I loved him so much - I realized that I need to get help.

It wasn't that easy to get help - it indeed was so hard that I had my second suicide attempt on my birthday in March (my first one was during my exchange year 5 years ago) and another one two days later. Those suicide attempts weren't "real" attempts - it was more than a big cry for help.

That was quite hard for my ex-boyfriend: he had been trying to help me, but was unable to cope with everything from the start. Since I wasn't able to get help ASAP and we were obviously quite overwhelmed with the situation, it got harder and he distanced himself every time a little more. This was very hard for me because I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone without them turning away. Especially because I was so vulnerable during that time. In his defense and that's why I have never been mad at him: The whole suicide topic is quite hard for him because his mom and his uncle regularly struggle with suicidal thoughts and express them. Also they had to take a gun away from his uncle when he was 11 and he's had countless situations with his mom where she had a mental breakdown. He also hit a breaking point when he saw me try to commit suicide on my birthday. He came to the clinic, told me he just doesn't want to have anything to do with this anymore. This was quite hard for me, but I tried to see it as a chance to get better.

So I did have a psychiatrist by then, but he wasn't great. Also it was quite hard for me that we didn't talk for a long time and all my friends turned away because they couldn't deal with the situation.

But I always talked to his mother, she was very nice to me and even convinced him once to talk to me when the cops called him because I ran away from home because everything was way too much for me.

No talks helped because he just simply was in a block mode (understandable) and then his mom turned on me for no reason (she's very unstable as well when it comes to her mental health).

I quit therapy because I was so fed up and he really didn't help much. One friend that actually was one of the only ones that didn't turn away (or at least didn't do it as much) introduced my to my current psychiatrist and she's great.

Everything happened during my graduation time I wasn't able to attend school for the final three months but I still got my diploma and I'm currently studying law.

Anyway we actually managed to stabilize the situation between us thanks to my psychiatrist. It was going well for like 1,5 months, it was quite hard for me because i had a shit ton of pressure on me because I was afraid to fuck it up again. But obviously I did that :D So then I had the third suicide attempt that year (this time it wasn't just a cry for help), I missed my graduation ceremony and the whole situation with him was fucked again.

I decided to go to a clinic for around 2 months or so and hoped that the situation between us would get better with the distance and that I could also work on my problems that I had myself (not only the dependency on him that I developed). I also made a HUGE birthday present for him because I wanted to apologize and hoped that we could reconcile (not get back together) since I was going to start uni in a few weeks. We obviously needed to talk for that but he still was in that block mode that I literally had to beg and fight (without being to clingy and offensive) for over three weeks to finally to be able to talk to him. It was literally eating myself up from inside.

The talk was ok: I couldn't expect more and that was okay; the end was good. But I'd still have liked to talk more, but I took it how it was because I was just happy to be able to have some things off my shoulders.

Once month has passed since then and a lot of shit happened: I was finally able to talk about other things than him during therapy last week and that made me happy. But this Monday everything went back to being like shit because we simply just don't communicate and it frustrates me because it actually was going well (because I was finally, but slowly able to give him the space he needed and I was TRYING MY BEST to not fuck it up) and I was FINALLY on my way to recover and not being dependent on him anymore. He also has a lot of problems, but doesn't wanna go to therapy, I have to accept that I can't help him if he doesn't want to. I'm just very scared that he will be in the same situation as I am. I'm trying my best with my psychiatrist and I take it very serious.

Well anyway I'm trying to fix the situation, but I'm sick of being dependent (sadly I am) and it just makes me angry that instead of helping each other we literally just make everything worse and that sucks so much because I can't deal with this pain anymore. So I really need to have this solved ASAP. Otherwise I see no other solution.

It just is so hard because we both are very complicated, sensitive people and our circumstances and patterns just make it hard to work together.

my goals
very short-term: fixing the situation with him
short-term: being independent
long-term: to be happy, mentally stable and no therapy
very long-term: to be close with him again (not in a specific way; best friends would be great)

Idk, just feels very good to express myself here. Thanks so much.

 

[Aesthler]

I do hope you end up being able to resolve the issues with him since that's a big motivation for you right now. I know being independent can be difficult, I don't function so well since my break up, partly because I was so dependent on my girlfriend at the time. She was like the glue to my life, holding it all together. Now it's just all over the place. I know you said you take your therapy seriously so that seems like a good sign. ( I have little experience with therapy) Overall, it seems like there is hope for your recovery. Good luck with everything.

 

[Pipe11]

How to be less dependant? Yo need to get out and fight alone. That will fix you. It fixed me when I was in a similar situation. I took my saved money and a big back pack and went alone to walk for 1-2 months, without anythin. Discover yourself. You are in time to save you...

 

[bigj75]

How to be less dependant? Yo need to get out and fight alone. That will fix you. It fixed me when I was in a similar situation. I took my saved money and a big back pack and went alone to walk for 1-2 months, without anythin. Discover yourself. You are in time to save you...

 

[No Future]

my goals
very short-term: fixing the situation with him
short-term: being independent
long-term: to be happy, mentally stable and no therapy
very long-term: to be close with him again (not in a specific way; best friends would be great)

Great to hear. You're wise to go a step at a time.

Focus on yourself, without isolating. Steps 2 and 3 will help bolster your attempts at 1 and 4, and the gained confidence will no doubt aid any other facets of life you might find particularly difficult at this time.

I wish you all the best. Your story mirrors recent events in my life quite closely, and I was fortunately able to rebuild with a similar mindset. One step at a time. It'll always be a work-in-progress; but I believe it should be.

 

[Gainax]

You have to able to see things from others people perspective

You're not the only who's suffering, he's also suffering
Having a relationship with someone mentally and emotionally unstable to point of suicide with little hope of improving its a waist of time, energy , love and prone to pain ,suffering and guilt.

Love is better spent between "normal" people, and that is what you need to become, a normal person

"Normallize" yourself

• seek therapy, one you can connect and feel comfortable
• take meds, change them if they are not working enough
• seek other forms of therapy, yoga / meditation, exercising outside

if you want to be loved, you first need to learn to love yourself

Set s.m.a.r.t goals on all areas of life

• Mind
  
• Body
• Money

All this is easier done when we are young, because after a certain age and due to the hypocrisy of society we are only lying ourselves.

The suicide path is a path that should be taken alone or in the company of others like us , otherwise well be dragging along others, "normal" people, into our world of never-ending suffering.

 

[miauimon]

You have to able to see things from others people perspective

You're not the only who's suffering, he's also suffering
Having a relationship with someone mentally and emotionally unstable to point of suicide with little hope of improving its a waist of time, energy , love and prone to pain ,suffering and guilt.

Love is better spent between "normal" people, and that is what you need to become, a normal person

"Normallize" yourself

• seek therapy, one you can connect and feel comfortable
• take meds, change them if they are not working enough
• seek other forms of therapy, yoga / meditation, exercising outside

if you want to be loved, you first need to learn to love yourself

Set s.m.a.r.t goals on all areas of life

• Mind
  
• Body
• Money

All this is easier done when we are young, because after a certain age and due to the hypocrisy of society we are only lying ourselves.

The suicide path is a path that should be taken alone or in the company of others like us , otherwise well be dragging along others, "normal" people, into our world of never-ending suffering.

As I said, that's quite obvious that both are suffering.

I'm doing therapy, taking it very serious. So I'm LITERALLY doing what you suggested that's why it's even more depressing that it doesn't work out.

 

[miauimon]

How to be less dependant? Yo need to get out and fight alone. That will fix you. It fixed me when I was in a similar situation. I took my saved money and a big back pack and went alone to walk for 1-2 months, without anythin. Discover yourself. You are in time to save you...

No, it won't. I do not work that way and if it were that easy I had already done it. Because I had thought about similar stuff and at least FOR ME: just going away doesn't work and it doesn't replace therapy.

 

[Gainax]

As I said, that's quite obvious that both are suffering.

I'm doing therapy, taking it very serious. So I'm LITERALLY doing what you suggested that's why it's even more depressing that it doesn't work out.

if its not working then make adjustments, change something, either the therapist or the meds of try alternative methods like yoga or nature related activities

i go to the gym regularly, if my strength its not increasing after a couple weeks i make adjustments, change something in the routine, different exercises etc.

im 37 y old, trying to change my life around but due to the hypocrisy of society, mainly companies, things will not turnout as i planned to and all i can see for the rest of my natural life is a life of mediocrity and loneliness.

im not suffering as much as the majority of people here, im not bipolar or have ptsd or any serious condition, but i refuse to live a life of mediocrity and loneliness, i will only live life in my own terms.

 

[miauimon]

if its not working then make adjustments, change something, either the therapist or the meds of try alternative methods like yoga or nature related activities

i go to the gym regularly, if my strength its not increasing after a couple weeks i make adjustments, change something in the routine, different exercises etc.

im 37 y old, trying to change my life around but due to the hypocrisy of society, mainly companies, things will not turnout as i planned to and all i can see for the rest of my natural life is a life of mediocrity and loneliness.

im not suffering as much as the majority of people here, im not bipolar or have ptsd or any serious condition, but i refuse to live a life of mediocrity and loneliness, i will only live life in my own terms.

Obviously I did that. I'm not stupid and I actually find it quite offensive that you think I wouldn't :/

 

[Gainax]

Obviously I did that. I'm not stupid and I actually find it quite offensive that you think I wouldn't :/

i don't think you're stupid, and i believe you trying all you can, but keep on making changings until things finally workout

 

[miauimon]

i don't think you're stupid, and i believe you trying all you can, but keep on making changings until things finally workout

Ye well, nobody has unlimited power and patience. I'm sadly not a wonderwoman that can deal with everything.