InterstateFlowers
Experienced
- Apr 16, 2020
- 236
I'm so tired of living. I literally can't wait to ctb. Everyday I face something that puts me on the edge and in my mind's eye I can see myself jumping off a building and hanging myself whenever anything goes wrong. But there's something I want to do first and I'm not ready to leave my family. That doesn't mean I'll never off myself. Once I do what I want to do, and live to 25 or older, then I'll do it. I have until I'm 30 because I refuse to live any longer than that. I sincerely and genuinely do not want to.
Before then, I wholeheartedly believe S.S is single-handedly saving me from ending it prematurely. I literally love this site to bits. This is probably the only media I can use where I can say I'm borderline suicidal and thinking of suicide everyday and literally almost everyone understands. Most people here have good intentions, are empathetic, helpful, and supportive. Not only can I look for support if I need to, I can provide words for someone who feels the same way.
Nobody on this site will tell me, "Suicide is never the answer." or "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Every time someone tries to counsel me when I'm not in therapy and tell me not to kill myself for whatever reasons, I want to tell them to fuck off. But that would be rude and I'd feel bad. Only here I can feel truly accepted and understood. If I were about to kill myself and I posted my suicide note here, people will wish me RIP, well wishes, and a safe journey. No-one is going to post a one-page essay on how I shouldn't kill myself or post a bunch of suicide hotlines unless they wanted to be disrespectful or didn't understand.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to kill yourself and I desperately wish the rest of society understand. If ctbing wasn't so looked down upon and accepted, I could apply for euthanasia and end my life peacefully. I wish I could say "I want to kill myself" out loud. I remember when I was 14 and I was admitted to my first mental hospital, I can fondly remember talking about suicide and everyone would understand. We could all complain together when the adults weren't watching. Even though I was so young, I wasn't so dumb that I couldn't see how being held in a building for a week so you don't kill yourself is so bullshit.
I've never been admitted to the mental hospital as an adult but when I was a fourteen year old in the teenager unit, it was probably the most accepting place with suicide when it came to patients. Literally everyone on my floor was admitted for attempting suicide. I remember this one girl who was really shy and one of the first things they ask you in group "therapy" is what got you here. She shyly said she overdosed and the lady in charge asked everyone who had overdosed to kill themselves to raise their hand. Everyone raised their hand. You could see the relief in some people's eyes. When the adults weren't monitoring us, we could freely talk about cutting, suicide methods, and how shitty our lives were. It was just 15 of us but I swear to god it was so close-knit, we were like a family. Whenever one of us had were discharged, we were happy and crying at the same time. We loved each other very much but all of us wanted to escape. It makes me want to cry when I realize I'll never find a community like that in real life ever again.
I'm just thankful I can say I'm stupid suicidal in a safe space. I can say I want to kill myself so badly and people will relate. I love it so much and I hope this site never goes down or else I'd be killing myself way sooner. I'm not social at school and this is the only place I can be myself and talk to people.
Before then, I wholeheartedly believe S.S is single-handedly saving me from ending it prematurely. I literally love this site to bits. This is probably the only media I can use where I can say I'm borderline suicidal and thinking of suicide everyday and literally almost everyone understands. Most people here have good intentions, are empathetic, helpful, and supportive. Not only can I look for support if I need to, I can provide words for someone who feels the same way.
Nobody on this site will tell me, "Suicide is never the answer." or "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Every time someone tries to counsel me when I'm not in therapy and tell me not to kill myself for whatever reasons, I want to tell them to fuck off. But that would be rude and I'd feel bad. Only here I can feel truly accepted and understood. If I were about to kill myself and I posted my suicide note here, people will wish me RIP, well wishes, and a safe journey. No-one is going to post a one-page essay on how I shouldn't kill myself or post a bunch of suicide hotlines unless they wanted to be disrespectful or didn't understand.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to kill yourself and I desperately wish the rest of society understand. If ctbing wasn't so looked down upon and accepted, I could apply for euthanasia and end my life peacefully. I wish I could say "I want to kill myself" out loud. I remember when I was 14 and I was admitted to my first mental hospital, I can fondly remember talking about suicide and everyone would understand. We could all complain together when the adults weren't watching. Even though I was so young, I wasn't so dumb that I couldn't see how being held in a building for a week so you don't kill yourself is so bullshit.
I've never been admitted to the mental hospital as an adult but when I was a fourteen year old in the teenager unit, it was probably the most accepting place with suicide when it came to patients. Literally everyone on my floor was admitted for attempting suicide. I remember this one girl who was really shy and one of the first things they ask you in group "therapy" is what got you here. She shyly said she overdosed and the lady in charge asked everyone who had overdosed to kill themselves to raise their hand. Everyone raised their hand. You could see the relief in some people's eyes. When the adults weren't monitoring us, we could freely talk about cutting, suicide methods, and how shitty our lives were. It was just 15 of us but I swear to god it was so close-knit, we were like a family. Whenever one of us had were discharged, we were happy and crying at the same time. We loved each other very much but all of us wanted to escape. It makes me want to cry when I realize I'll never find a community like that in real life ever again.
I'm just thankful I can say I'm stupid suicidal in a safe space. I can say I want to kill myself so badly and people will relate. I love it so much and I hope this site never goes down or else I'd be killing myself way sooner. I'm not social at school and this is the only place I can be myself and talk to people.
