Venting This shitty world

[SoulWhisperer]

Every day is an agony and I know what awaits me is ultimately gonna be death. I don't know what the fuck to do. I don't even know what university course I would WANT to go to. I don't know what JOB I would want to do.

Mind you, as a teen ppl always pressure you for ts, saying "you gotta decide" and all. Well, now I'm an adult and still don't know what the FUCK to do. Every job feel like it'd make me wanna kms immediately, maybe I already said this in a previous post idk, I just need to let out my broken record pain until I'll even lose phone access.

I'm a being that despises anything AND themselves, I have no REALISTIC way out. So what's left is learning how to cast magic spells and make a living outta it, right? That's the only REASONABLE option left for me.

Lately I don't even get along with anyone online and it's been draining me psychologically even more, all my interactions both irl and online became me spitting acid, passively hating and feeling disgust towards ANYONE I talk to and constantly thinking about that. Now I want you to picture this: Can you IMAGINE feeling like on a regular basis???

Can you imagine interacting with someone while nurturing an everlasting hatred towards them AND yourself. Trust me, it gets to the point of dissociating real quick, even just to merely exist.

I don't feel no empathy, I don't feel no kindness, no charity, no happiness. My entire world has been swallowed whole and all I see is gray. It's all a revolting convulsing pot of shit and decaying matter. That's why I've been getting more thoughts about reducing myself to a gore video aftermath, it doesn't even sound bad anymore.

I'm so desensitised to "humanity" that even taking a knife and lacerating anything I can gaze my eyes upon doesn't feel like a negative thing.

...

The tombstone awaits me.

 

[claracatchingthebus]

Every day is an agony and I know what awaits me is ultimately gonna be death. I don't know what the fuck to do. I don't even know what university course I would WANT to go to. I don't know what JOB I would want to do.

Mind you, as a teen ppl always pressure you for ts, saying "you gotta decide" and all. Well, now I'm an adult and still don't know what the FUCK to do. Every job feel like it'd make me wanna kms immediately, maybe I already said this in a previous post idk, I just need to let out my broken record pain until I'll even lose phone access.

I'm a being that despises anything AND themselves, I have no REALISTIC way out. So what's left is learning how to cast magic spells and make a living outta it, right? That's the only REASONABLE option left for me.

Lately I don't even get along with anyone online and it's been draining me psychologically even more, all my interactions both irl and online became me spitting acid, passively hating and feeling disgust towards ANYONE I talk to and constantly thinking about that. Now I want you to picture this: Can you IMAGINE feeling like on a regular basis???

Can you imagine interacting with someone while nurturing an everlasting hatred towards them AND yourself. Trust me, it gets to the point of dissociating real quick, even just to merely exist.

I don't feel no empathy, I don't feel no kindness, no charity, no happiness. My entire world has been swallowed whole and all I see is gray. It's all a revolting convulsing pot of shit and decaying matter. That's why I've been getting more thoughts about reducing myself to a gore video aftermath, it doesn't even sound bad anymore.

I'm so desensitised to "humanity" that even taking a knife and lacerating anything I can gaze my eyes upon doesn't feel like a negative thing.

...

The tombstone awaits me.

are you over 18? sorry for asking, but when i see someone say "teen" i just want to make sure before responding however.

 

[SoulWhisperer]

are you over 18? sorry for asking, but when i see someone say "teen" i just want to make sure before responding however.

Yes, people have asked me 4 times and 2 mods asked me on top of that, I am 18+.

 

[claracatchingthebus]

regarding jobs, there are a few aspects to working:

1) a lot of people use drugs to get through work. coffee is a drug, even if people say otherwise. some people get prescribed stimulants. it makes the agony slightly less.

2) whatever you end up doing for work, you'll be typically doing over and over and over and so hopefully it's something you don't hate.

would you want to work in a spell shop? would you like delivering stuff?

another option which many people don't consider is reducing your expenses just as much as possible and then only working part-time. just going "yep, i am going to be somewhat poor, but i will never work full-time." so you get the smallest single room you can, you keep your expenses low, and then you do what you want with your time:

read, write, party, watch tv, do whatever

this may not help

if there's anything you like more than other things, i suggest you do it. are you scientific? are you into selling things? do you like fashion? if you hate everything, then what do you hate least?

if you absolutely had to work 4 days a week for 6 hours a day, what would be least annoying? do you like people and find it fun to be around people? do you like talking with people? do you prefer numbers? do you prefer not to interact with people?

Yes, people have asked me 4 times and 2 mods asked me on top of that, I am 18+.

sorry if my comment about work is unhelpful.
you mentioned college

many people who go to college and don't end up using their degree for something higher paying end up at a disadvantage because of student loan debts.

if you don't know what you would want to do at a university, you could take a few general courses and also try to work. like you could take biology, psychology, chemistry, and computer science, not all at once, or anything, but just take 2 courses... and then work also...

if you don't like the courses or don't feel it's your thing, you may end up just being happy working and being very careful with managing your money

it would really be a good idea to read books on financial advice, especially since you are MtF which can make things financially more challenging.

Survival instinct is a real thing and many people end up in worse situations because they think suicide is a backup plan or the main plan and then they can't do it, so just try to keep preparing for the future, even if you ultimately decide to end it.

 

[SomewhereAlongThe]

I get not knowing what to do, because every job feels like hell. I have thought about this too. I can't work in the majority of jobs out there. It'd be hell for me. I don't know how people find career paths they are genuinely interested in, it's a miracle for me. I lack abilities and talent needed to pursue a career in anything. This makes me loathe myself even more. I'm glad I have a way out of life, to rest in peace is my career path.