This sadness will never end

[Abbyonceuponatime]

Hello everyone. I joined this community in October during what was my rock bottom. I couldn't bring myself to do it because I knew it would break my parents hearts.
But I'm still in so much pain and I'm so tired of the heaviness of carrying this sadness and this bottomless grief and this irrational self loathing. Any day where I don't experience these feelings is a day where I have done a good job distracting myself. But at my core this is what I feel. Everything else is the exception.
I've been in therapy for close to two years now. I have a good understanding of where my depression comes from. I was on antidepressants and I chose to stop two months ago. I haven't showered in four days. I cancelled all my online tutoring sessions because I couldn't be bothered. I quit my job a year ago in the middle of an economic crisis because I couldn't get out of bed. I feel crippled. I smoke like a chimney even though I hate it and I know it's killing me and I should treat my body like I deserve better but I can't. I don't eat right. I have no incentive to exercise. Everyone who knows me always showers me with words of kindness and I never believe them. I cant accept kindness and it makes me ache that I can't. It makes me ache that I'm so lonely in my pain and that I can't tell anyone the extent of pain that I feel because they would be too horrified. My therapist doesn't count, he is stuck with me. Part of me wants to d*e, another just wants someone to listen to my whole story and still choose to wholly love me.

 

[WornOutLife]

Sorry to hear you're still in pain. I don't want you to suffer but this world can really suck!

Wish you the best and if you need to talk feel free to pm me!

Hugs,

Matt

 

[Somage]

I know exactly what you mean I am in the same boat it's absolutely horrendous.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

I am sorry that things are like this for you. I feel your pain. I barely shower, sometimes go days without eating and nothing really can distract my mind anymore except interacting with all of you guys. I don't have anyone I can really talk to about this. Hell, I don't really have anyone to help me at all. Some people will listen and offer me their sympathy, but that's it. So, I know where you are coming from. Its lonely and cold.

 

[I-can-only-imagine]

You aware not alone. I know exactly how you feel. I showered yesterday for the first time in a week. The only reason I get out of bed is to feed my cats and animals. The only reason I leave the house is work or to walk the dog who I got to force me out the house. Hasnt worked every day but I am still having to focus on him rather than stay in bed. Things that I used to love to do I can't focus on at all. Everyday is a fight to not give in and just rot in bed. To eat one thing a day is a battle and then the feelings of guilt for eating overwhelms me - and I don't have an eating disorder! But it is the one thing I can control in my life right now and the complete lack of appetite makes it easier to not eat but harder to do the right thing. Here if you ever want to talk :)

 

[Aeathelina]

It never fucking ends. The bills and the constant lingering feelings of misery that consume the soul on a fibrous level .
Passion and desire for life just draining right out your body like a hole in the bottom of your feet.

Yea it fucking sucks and it only end if we die or life magically gets better

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Life only gets worse as you get older. People who say life gets better are fucking liars.

 

[FuneralCry]

I know how you feel. There is an constant feeling of dread lurking in my mind. As humans we are made to carry around so much pain with us, our minds like to torture us.The worst part is the only way out requires courage. I feel relieved when I think of death. I wish you the best.

 

[All Things Must Pass]

It will. No one lives forever, after all.

Life only gets worse as you get older. People who say life gets better are fucking liars.

I disagree, they are just lucky and willfullly ignorant.

 

[Debbie Northampton U]

Hi Abby. The last part of your message caught my eye. You want to reveal the true you but feel people won't like the real you? It sounds as if you are ashamed of yourself for some reason but it's difficult to know by one post. I think you need a suicidal/depressed buddy you can talk to.