Venting This PTSD is too much to handle (vent)

[SuicidalRN]

A few months ago my boyfriend CTB and I discovered the body. At first, the images were not as vivid even though I couldn't stop thinking about the events leading up to finding him, then subsequently coming upon my dead lover (who I was on suicide watch for the whole month prior). Now almost four months out, and the images are a million times worse. They have become either a continuous obsessive loop in my brain or the image of his dead body in that bed in front of my vision like a foggy lense. The LCSW, who was called to the place I called home almost a week ago, described the PTSD as a suffocating, wet blanket after I recounted to her the horrifying thought loops and images I was experiencing that have made it impossible for me to work, let alone, function as a human being, especially with ASD. I also told her that because of the thoughts' never-ending, repeating existence in my brain, I want to die (why the police and she were called in the beginning). Then less than 24 hours later, I was kicked out of the place I called home to go back to my house (the last place I ever saw alive, touched, kissed, cuddled, my boyfriend) and the most triggering place for my PTSD. It is fucking awful here. I keep seeing him everywhere and the tears incessant. I want to die. I cannot handle this mental torture for much longer. Every day is mental hell. I have expressed these feelings to my therapist and she suggested EMDR therapy, so I set an appointment with another therapist in the office to try this. Unfortunately, I learned it is 3 to 4 sessions of planning before the actual therapy part starts and it could get worse before it gets better. I don't know if I can wait that long. This pain is awful. I am terrified for if it doesn't work... then what am I left with? I already failed to keep my boyfriend alive... I already want to CTB myself... What's left? I don't care about my career as an RN or the future I could have. I don't want to fall in love with anyone else. I am in love with him. I am so exhausted.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I can imagine it must be unbearable having to suffer so much. It sounds so horrible what you are going through. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[SuicidalRN]

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I can imagine it must be unbearable having to suffer so much. It sounds so horrible what you are going through. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

Thank you I wish more than anything this PTSD could go away (though, I feel I deserve it for failing to keep him alive). If it weren't constantly here I could maybe move on with my life. I'm definitely going to give EMDR a solid chance, but after that.... Idk... We'll have to see.

 

[jimmy7754]

I'm sorry that's horrible.

 

[CommitSudoku]

You didn't fail to keep him alive, don't blame yourself. All we can do is try and others still have as much freewill as we have at the end of the day. You don't deserve pain nor does anyone else, life and this world are just cruel. I'm sorry you've been through so much and I wish you the best with the therapies and any other route you decide to pursue. Maybe see if there's any way to get out of that house, even just leaving on walks outside sometimes to give yourself some time away.

 

[SuicidalRN]

You didn't fail to keep him alive, don't blame yourself. All we can do is try and others still have as much freewill as we have at the end of the day. You don't deserve pain nor does anyone else, life and this world are just cruel. I'm sorry you've been through so much and I wish you the best with the therapies and any other route you decide to pursue. Maybe see if there's any way to get out of that house, even just leaving on walks outside sometimes to give yourself some time away.

My apartment underneath my family's house, that I spent time lovingly decorating, is now a constant reminder of what I lost and how our last hour and a half ever, sometimes the horrid 3-4 days before his death as well, together play out in front of me. I cannot escape.
My room that was once my beautiful, aesthetically designed, Taylor Swift sanctum, is now the most horrifying place for me to be. I cannot even sleep in my own bed. I have to sleep on my living room couch.

**TRIGGER WARNING, I DESCRIBE THE EVENTS LEADING UP TO HIS DEATH AND FINDING HIM BELOW**

I feel like it has to be my fault no matter what anyone says. Family, friends, therapists, you have all told me I am not at fault. I didn't ask him to text me when he got home. I was hard on him that last night and told him that his constant SI was killing me and exhausting all my emotional resources. I quit my job for him at the beginning of the month so I could be on near 24/7 SI watch. Fuck, I tried so hard to keep him alive that whole month, and then that night I slipped... He kissed me passionately goodbye (which was odd since all month he told me that he "felt cruel kissing me since he knew what he wanted to do"), said I love you first (also strange for the same stated reason as before)... I refused to get out of bed to hug him goodbye, and I shouted to him as he was walking away "I love you too *his name*"... he shouted back "I love you *my name*" and closed the front door, leaving. I cried to Taylor's music and considered my own SI that was already starting to form... We texted back and forth for a bit. I accused him of not caring about me... he texted back at 8:13 pm "I do care about you *my name* a lot". Then, (I know bc his iCloud notes, accessed on his MacBook by me, he documented every drug and what time he took it that month) at 8:20 pm he took SN (from a regimen he learned on this website) and probably died by CTB from his OCD between 9-9:30 pm (my estimate). I discovered him at around 4 pm the next day, after searching for him all morning and tracing his credit card from the iCloud keychain to a hotel 5 minutes from my house. I discovered him first in the room, then his dad followed in after me. Fuck, I cannot get my repeated screaming out of my head after I touched his body and the entire thing moved. His dad yelling, "No, no, no" and his mother's screams on the end of the phone when he told he what we found. She wasn't even on speaker phone. The image of me falling to the floor in a curled ball full of incessant tears, then climbing into bed and forcing my arm under his so I could be the big spoon one last time like he always loved. I kissed him and sobbed... His dad climbs in the bed with us... the police eventually come...

Sorry I had to let it out. It haunts me...

You didn't fail to keep him alive, don't blame yourself. All we can do is try and others still have as much freewill as we have at the end of the day. You don't deserve pain nor does anyone else, life and this world are just cruel. I'm sorry you've been through so much and I wish you the best with the therapies and any other route you decide to pursue. Maybe see if there's any way to get out of that house, even just leaving on walks outside sometimes to give yourself some time away.

Getting out of the house is complicated as I am on suicide watch by my family, even though I am not currently getting along with them since our entire relationship they told me to break up with him due to his extreme social anxiety and OCD. They didn't care that I loved him, that we were in love, and planned on getting married in the future. I was the first person to prove to him that he could have a romantic, fulfilling relationship with another person bc he believed no one would love him entirely for him and all his quirks... but I did... I do... I don't want anyone else :(

 

[CommitSudoku]

I'd speak up/vent as much as you can/want here, even if we can't offer help (or I know I can't anyways), if getting it out helps out even a bit then do so. I wish you the best whatever you decide to do, that's all I can really offer but I mean it. It might just be me being idealistic with how my own thoughts for what I want (eternal sleep) are, but leaving has been my one and only consistent desire for so long and I only have appreciation for anyone who's been in my life along the way, even if how things went weren't all good. I appreciate the time I've gotten with anyone, even just the short time people give me here when reading/replying to me, I'd never want anyone to blame themselves since this desire of mine is mine. Anyways I'll stop rambling, I can understand blaming yourself as well since that's the way we can be but just try to keep it in your mind that it isn't even if you can't believe it yet. I'm sorry if that's maybe not what you want to hear as well but I'm just a random internet nobody as well so you don't have to pay any mind to anything I say.
I used to have a warped sense of friendship where I took people at their word too often and expected way too much. They'd say I could come to them whenever, say anything. I started getting anxiety attacks often at the same time and told them this, they still could never always be there for me at all times. That was asking way too much and I hate myself that I ever resented they couldn't help me when I couldn't help myself. We all have our own lives, we can intertwine them with others maybe even very closely so we're rarely apart, but there will always be some times we can't be together. We can never do everything perfect either. We can't be perfect. There are a million what if's we can always have but humans are fundamentally imperfect and flawed and we're all struggling in our own ways. It's impossible to stop that.
I'm sorry what all you've been through and wish I could offer anything but I can't really. I would just say again I hope you can get out of that house somehow. Go with friends or force family to let you stay, maybe his parents would let you stay? Maybe a shelter even? It's putting so much on you to be there when it's still such a recent wound inflicted on you.
I'll go back to saying whatever happens I wish you the best. I'm really sorry for writing too much and if I came off poorly anywhere, my head has been messed up all day. Not that that makes up for it, but I'm sorry still.

 

[SuicidalRN]

I'd speak up/vent as much as you can/want here, even if we can't offer help (or I know I can't anyways), if getting it out helps out even a bit then do so. I wish you the best whatever you decide to do, that's all I can really offer but I mean it. It might just be me being idealistic with how my own thoughts for what I want (eternal sleep) are, but leaving has been my one and only consistent desire for so long and I only have appreciation for anyone who's been in my life along the way, even if how things went weren't all good. I appreciate the time I've gotten with anyone, even just the short time people give me here when reading/replying to me, I'd never want anyone to blame themselves since this desire of mine is mine. Anyways I'll stop rambling, I can understand blaming yourself as well since that's the way we can be but just try to keep it in your mind that it isn't even if you can't believe it yet. I'm sorry if that's maybe not what you want to hear as well but I'm just a random internet nobody as well so you don't have to pay any mind to anything I say.
I used to have a warped sense of friendship where I took people at their word too often and expected way too much. They'd say I could come to them whenever, say anything. I started getting anxiety attacks often at the same time and told them this, they still could never always be there for me at all times. That was asking way too much and I hate myself that I ever resented they couldn't help me when I couldn't help myself. We all have our own lives, we can intertwine them with others maybe even very closely so we're rarely apart, but there will always be some times we can't be together. We can never do everything perfect either. We can't be perfect. There are a million what if's we can always have but humans are fundamentally imperfect and flawed and we're all struggling in our own ways. It's impossible to stop that.
I'm sorry what all you've been through and wish I could offer anything but I can't really. I would just say again I hope you can get out of that house somehow. Go with friends or force family to let you stay, maybe his parents would let you stay? Maybe a shelter even? It's putting so much on you to be there when it's still such a recent wound inflicted on you.
I'll go back to saying whatever happens I wish you the best. I'm really sorry for writing too much and if I came off poorly anywhere, my head has been messed up all day. Not that that makes up for it, but I'm sorry still.

I PM'd you :)