daydreamer52
Someday
- Aug 12, 2023
- 60
I'm killing myself today at 1am or 2am with SN. My ideal death was with a shotgun or a pistol but it just wasn't possible. I don't feel anxious or anything yet, the hardest part has been the fasting part, it's such a shame I had to waste good food. I really hope it works, today is the perfect day for it, or at least in which I have less chance of being found in the 1h needed time. Im kinda sad about doing it before Christmas as it's my fav time of the year but I can't back down now. Today felt like a normal day, the only difference is I took a look at the notes app and re-read everything I've written about wanting to die for the last 3 years, I found it funny, the realization that I haven't drifted away from that mentality in this whole time.
I believe in reincarnation I do wanna live again but in a pretty body, that's all I want that's all I ask for. If there's nothing after death I'm fine with that too, I would never know when I died I wouldn't even be something anymore yk? If I'm reborn I also wish I had a soulmate. In my fantasies her name is Marian, she's a little taller than me, we have the same music taste, the same humor, spending time with her everyday would be my reason for waking up everyday, I love her and she loves me. I can't put it in words how much I wish to be loved, for someone to know all about me, someone that gets happy when hearing my name, misses me when I'm gone, all those things I already felt for some people but never reciprocated it back to me.
I'll miss my cat so so so much. I have to die before him tho, I wouldn't be able to take it physically and mentally if I had to witness his death. Like I wouldn't care about painless suicide methods anymore, I'd just stab my chest all I can before dying. I wanted to die and my body never being found but sadly that's just not possible for me. I want the memory of myself to fade away as fast as possible amongst people that know me so the new me can be reborn without chains. Please pray for me, that I'll be successful, I didn't wanna say that I'm "attempting" tonight, it's not an attempt, I need to die today. If there are no new posts from me in a week, take it for granted that I succeed
, or I survived and got hit with the revelation that I'm immortal.
I believe in reincarnation I do wanna live again but in a pretty body, that's all I want that's all I ask for. If there's nothing after death I'm fine with that too, I would never know when I died I wouldn't even be something anymore yk? If I'm reborn I also wish I had a soulmate. In my fantasies her name is Marian, she's a little taller than me, we have the same music taste, the same humor, spending time with her everyday would be my reason for waking up everyday, I love her and she loves me. I can't put it in words how much I wish to be loved, for someone to know all about me, someone that gets happy when hearing my name, misses me when I'm gone, all those things I already felt for some people but never reciprocated it back to me.
I'll miss my cat so so so much. I have to die before him tho, I wouldn't be able to take it physically and mentally if I had to witness his death. Like I wouldn't care about painless suicide methods anymore, I'd just stab my chest all I can before dying. I wanted to die and my body never being found but sadly that's just not possible for me. I want the memory of myself to fade away as fast as possible amongst people that know me so the new me can be reborn without chains. Please pray for me, that I'll be successful, I didn't wanna say that I'm "attempting" tonight, it's not an attempt, I need to die today. If there are no new posts from me in a week, take it for granted that I succeed
, or I survived and got hit with the revelation that I'm immortal.
