Help This Monday

[Fire&Ash]

Well things have happened. I posted on another thread that I would ctb two weeks after my mom visited me and my sisters/nieces out of state. But I decided because of hurtful things said, my inability to functionally do cleaning tasks, me snapping in anger I think from taking Wellbutrin, I feel done. I feel like I can really go.
My mom is still here, she leaves in 7 days. Today is Saturday. I wish to be gone Sunday night/Monday morning. Going to fast for 8 hours, that will be hard...then take my sn. I hope it works. I just don't care and don't feel like I can go any more downhill mentally right now, and I don't see it going up. I know this is selfish, but I'm done. I'm ready.
I finally open up to someone else in my family about this, my aunt, who has taken me in so many times. I told her last night about everything. She cried for me, and asked me to promise not to do it. I didn't exactly say yes. She said she would take me to lunch today then canceled...so. Just kinda over all of it.
Not mad, not sad, just static and no hope. I just saw a post from a girl who said she survived N, god I don't want to survive. I really will snap. I cannot survive. I'll only get shame.
SO. How can I absolutely make sure I don't fail? I have 96% SN and meto. I just can't fail. Thank for reading. If you wanna story just ask.
I'm planning to clear router history tomorrow on my sisters laptop, clean my laptop, make a USB drive of important pictures for family to have. Make letters basically stating what I told my aunt. I don't think my parents really asked me why I was depressed. Just didn't want to ask. I'm leaving my clothes etc in my room, let mom go through with it while she's here. My "funeral" will be in 2-4 days. Then she'll leave on the next Sunday. Perfect

 

[BPD Barbie]

Sorry to hear that it comes to this. Did your aunt give a reason to cancel the lunch plans with you? Whatever you decide, we are here for you

 

[Ghost2211]

I hope you find peace and relief. Im sorry life has been so cruel.

 

[Spitfire]

Well things have happened.

SO. How can I absolutely make sure I don't fail? I have 96% SN and meto. I just can't fail.

Maybe combine the SN method with the CO method, using charcoal.

Make the charcoal set-up outside of your space and let it burn to the point where it is emitting the maximum CO, and then take it into your space.

I am not sure of the timeline for SN with how it effects a person?

Probably bring the CO emitter (charcoal) inside your space when it is ready, and then take the SN?

 

[thethatsitboy]

You should try to follow the procedure as rigidly as you can. Doing the Stat dose since you have meto (not sure if enough) and if you have the other medications, it would be better. But maybe you don't feel you need some of the optionals meds. I feel like I do, but each person and metabolism is unique. I hope you find your peace with however will be your decision and you can count on me to chat if you need it.

 

[Fire&Ash]

Sorry to hear that it comes to this. Did your aunt give a reason to cancel the lunch plans with you? Whatever you decide, we are here for you ❤

She wanted to go floating soo "shrugs"

You should try to follow the procedure as rigidly as you can. Doing the Stat dose since you have meto (not sure if enough) and if you have the other medications, it would be better. But maybe you don't feel you need some of the optionals meds. I feel like I do, but each person and metabolism is unique. I hope you find your peace with however will be your decision and you can count on me to chat if you need it.

Got sn, meto, and gunna get tagamet

Maybe combine the SN method with the CO method, using charcoal.

Make the charcoal set-up outside of your space and let it burn to the point where it is emitting the maximum CO, and then take it into your space.

I am not sure of the timeline for SN with how it effects a person?

Probably bring the CO emitter (charcoal) inside your space when it is ready, and then take the SN?

I was interested in this method, though I'm not familiar with using tiny grills, and I think I would stink up my car if I tried. I definitely would if I understood the process better. I remember reading somewhere I would need a sort of thermometer or something

I hope you find peace and relief. Im sorry life has been so cruel.

Thanks. I don't think it was "cruel" compared to the abuse and suffering I've read on these threads, but I definitely think most of my problems stem from a combination of learning disabilities, low self worth, low self esteem, not feeling happy around company, just feeling downright static/numb for 10 years takes a toll. I just wanted relief and its not like I didn't try but if anyone asked if I did they would say I was "lazy". Love it when people close to me call me this

 

[Fire&Ash]

Well it looks like I'm going back to my parents state to visit till Christmas. My nieces are coming with us but not there mom, so I'm just gunna be helping out. That changed fast. I didn't have to go, but I thought a change of scenery would help again. They aren't aware of my plan, and I want to bring my sn and meto it's me but idk how to hide it in my luggage. I know you can hide stuff just worried about it going through scanner and being searched?

 

[Fire&Ash]

Well do I have a story for you all. I left last year to my home state to care for my nieces. I loved with my parents, me, and my two nieces. I'm a 25 year old female who is single and I took up the responsibility to take care of my nieces for originally 3 months (September-December) for my sister because she got into the dental hygienist program. My parents initially agreed to take them, then realized they would have to reorganize there while life to take care of the nieces and in the end I stepped up to be kind for a family member. This sister,(the mom) is the same one who emotionally took a toll on me my whole life and made me want to ctb multiple times because she is toxic. I thought "if I helped her like this, maybe she will treat me better and it will be less hard." She never asked, I offered, I told her I did it because she needed help. Fast forward I stayed for 8 months (September-May) and basically home schooled my niece cuz of COVID until she was ably to get in school again. I got various "thank you I appreciate everything you do!" Texts from my sister. But when i came back, it's like I still disrespected all over again. I just wanted her to treat me right and respect my boundaries, but she crosses them all over again. I'm a walking doormat that can't say no without being called a bad person.
Now, jobless again, she drops them off till late at night and I can't say no because "they aren't hard," I don't have the energy to discipline or feed them anymore after being with them nearly 24/7 for 8 months. And today, just total mental exhaustion. I got diagnosed with inattentive ADHD 3 days ago which explains everything I experienced my whole life. I just can't do it anymore. I feel stuck in a corner with someone who takes advantage of me, twists my words everywhere, I don't have the mental strength to get anything in my life straight. So there it is. My old plan to ctb coming full circle a whole year later.

 

[awfullife]

I'm glad you didnt CTB and Im sorry life is shitty to you.

 

[Fire&Ash]

I'm glad you didnt CTB and Im sorry life is shitty to you.

Thanks for the reply. I mostly wrote that as a vent post. I'm considering moving out like 2 hours away so I'm not taken advantage of anymore, it I'm scared I will be a bad roommate.

 

[Midgardsorm]

Hi, I'm sorry for what you have been through. It must be really difficult.
Sometimes, family members can be the worst, since they think they can treat you however they want without fear of you abandoning them, just because you're family.

What you are thinking might sound selfish but it's not. Anyone in your shoes would think the same.

I wish you the best. May you find peace, ctbing or not.

 

[Fire&Ash]

Hi, I'm sorry for what you have been through. It must be really difficult.
Sometimes, family members can be the worst, since they think they can treat you however they want without fear of you abandoning them, just because you're family.

What you are thinking might sound selfish but it's not. Anyone in your shoes would think the same.

I wish you the best. May you find peace, ctbing or not.

Thank you. I just looked on Craigslist today to be a roommate for people and I was happy to find a couple of results with reasonable rent prices. Now I just gotta get a job and things will fall a little better. But first, get meds for my new diagnoses. I'm still struggling on what "career" plan to have so that I can have a better source of income, but having this adhd makes it feel like a lot of doors are closed to me. Boo