UmbraDweller
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- Sep 15, 2023
- 139
I can't even connect with my few online friends I valued for years anymore. Feels like I just want to push everyone away. Maybe I don't even want to talk to them no longer, but I also hate myself for doing so. I have to put up a certain persona whenever we interact because of course they don't want to hear anything related to suicide, antinatalism and similar topics, why there's no need for existence and how life sucks in general. But it's all I've been thinking about lately. We might get to discuss it but we don't share same views on life and it makes me feel just more lonely and frustrated that they don't seem to understand my points. Good for them actually, less you know about this fucked up existence less you suffer. I hate myself for even bringing all that up in front of them, there's no point to it, they are elsewhere with their perception and I shouldn't try to make them question it, it's just my unrealistic wants to vibe with them on these things I guess, but I got noone else really and theres no energy left inside of me anymore to try connecting with new people. It would probably be best to just split apart but if I distance like that it makes me feel horrible, I would miss them a lot if I let go completely but on the other hand it's not what it once used to be anyway.
Thing is I actually prefer being alone away from everyone and I've been isolating myself for ages but I hate to drown in solitude like this and I still got this natural human need to socialize which won't go away. Maybe I could go and try looking for like minded people but I'm so tired, even if I befriended someone on here for instance and they decided to CTB it would be no good. I would be happy for them that they found peace, but in the end I will be ruined and selfishly miss them (been there already) and vice versa I might aswell hurt someone by my exit. Not too smart move.
So the only real option is to embrace solitude and accept my fate or find alternatives which make me feel less lonely in my remaining time. Like playing online games or watching yt channels of people I relate to. Also reading the posts by you guys has been very helpful. Or making myself busy with any random thing to just forget. It does the trick, for a while.
Probably just venting here and looking for at least some kind of human interaction out of desperation. Just the fact someone might read this and maybe respond with their own story is nice to me and I will be happy to read it.
Maybe someone will resonate with this and feel less alone too.
Thing is I actually prefer being alone away from everyone and I've been isolating myself for ages but I hate to drown in solitude like this and I still got this natural human need to socialize which won't go away. Maybe I could go and try looking for like minded people but I'm so tired, even if I befriended someone on here for instance and they decided to CTB it would be no good. I would be happy for them that they found peace, but in the end I will be ruined and selfishly miss them (been there already) and vice versa I might aswell hurt someone by my exit. Not too smart move.
So the only real option is to embrace solitude and accept my fate or find alternatives which make me feel less lonely in my remaining time. Like playing online games or watching yt channels of people I relate to. Also reading the posts by you guys has been very helpful. Or making myself busy with any random thing to just forget. It does the trick, for a while.
Probably just venting here and looking for at least some kind of human interaction out of desperation. Just the fact someone might read this and maybe respond with their own story is nice to me and I will be happy to read it.
Maybe someone will resonate with this and feel less alone too.
