Story This is the last place I wanted to be. Tinnitus and insomnia due to antibiotics and mirtazapine...

[ShadowDancer]

I'd like to start by saying I have been reading many threads here and I saw my youth in most of you. I have come over many many hardships and struggles much like all of you. Suicide was always in the back of my mind for a long time throughout my life but I endured. Not gonna say things got better but I got tougher and matured. Most of you will too and leave this site in due time. I don't want to assume stuff about your lives but your stories, your video game/anime profile pictures, all of us have very similar personalities. As long as you are healthy, remember, you can save some money and leave your life behind, disappear to another country and start over. Forget about how cruel the world is, there's always the chance. That's what I did.

I wasn't born attractive. Was born in a third world shitty country. Was never given enough money by my parents. I had socializing issues growing up. I was extremely hairy, tried to get that fixed and did to a degree but in the end got my entire body burnt. Small burns nothing major but in every hair follicle. I had a myriad of problems that people made fun of me for. Got rejected by girls, never given love by my parents which led me to seek consolation outside in other females' arms which led me to contract prostatitis and herpes. Never had a proper job etc. Never studied what I wanted to study never had proper anything. Always fought with father(physically too). Mother was Bpd which I inherited. Bro is autistic and to a degree I am too. Got used to it all.

My father,after having a heart attack and getting surgery, started treating me like a proper son. He wanted me to do things his way, over time he got wealthier. I conceded and started seeing things his way. I realized people were suffering outside. At least id be sheltered if I were to take over my father's business and have a real bright future for the first time in my life. I matured.no amount if pain I endured in the past mattered.

I wanted to fix the prostatitis before catching a plane to Korea and then Japan and then hong Kong for my vacation. They gave me ofloxacin which is like Cipro. Got insomnia, couldn't sleep for ten days. Searched online and the scientific texts I found said it would go away in two days after discontinuing the meds. So I was like ok I'll finish my course and then stop. Big mistake...

OTC pills didn't work so I was given mirtazapine. Soon after I developed visual problems along with tinnitus. Dysacussis, hyperacusis. I never tied it to mirtazapine until I found survivingantidepressants site. Thought it was the antibiotics but oh no.

Over time I got worse and worse. Now the ringing is in my head mostly, I can hear the neurons misfiring. Electricity literally moving in my brain. Outside I don't hear it. Inside only in silence. But in bed it goes up to a 6. I got visual problems too, but these don't matter much. If I had lost an eye I could take it. Losing an arm I could take it...

Cause here's the thing. My only coping mechanism was (and I had a talk about this with a friend a month before I took the damn pills) my sleep and silence and as long as I had those I could endure anything. I could go anywhere, start over, disappear, manage dad's business...

Did I offend god by saying this so I got t and insomnia a month after?

You know what's funny? I watched all Bruce Lee movies back to back with my bro. When we were done I made a comment saying it is really cruel for him to die after taking a single pill for his headache at the age of 36. That was the last though I had on my mind when I crashed that night. I am 36. I took pills and I'm a cripple now. Did I offend god by saying this?

I took Cipro before. Nothing happened. Sometime later an article popped up in my news feed warning about the dangers of cipro.i read it and years later took ofloxacin anyways. Was this a warning from god?

I wasn't able to find the pills at any pharmacy for days. And after I forced my way to get some. I placed them on my table for weeks before I took them because it didn't feel right to take them before I identified the root cause of my prostatitis. Doctors were not helpful so I decided to take them. Was god trying to get me away from taking them...

Funnily I never believed in god until this happened to me ... Always cursed his name.

If I could go back to 5 months ago.. I'd never be here. Too late for that.

My father's 73 and I sleep in his bed otherwise I'd be scared and can't fall asleep. I sleep on average two hours a night.
He has heart problems.

I need to find a way to ctb but it needs to look like I died of natural causes.

I hung myself with my belt a month ago. It works kinda but is too scary. SI kicked in and my right toe went numb for three weeks. Besides if I do that, it would cause heavy repercussions for my family members...

What do you suggest....

 

[befree]

it needs to look like I died of natural causes

We've had this question before, or how it might look like an accident. This is not easy and impossible with most methods, because the autopsy (if there is one) will determine the exact cause of death. But even external signs usually show that it´s not a natural death.
I know of a case where a person (that I knew !) helped with the suicide by using a full face diving mask and nitrogen (SCUBA method). Since it was known that the person was seriously ill, there was no autopsy. After the equipment was removed and the marks from the mask disappeared, the doctor was called, who certified a natural death. But to do this you would need another person who would do this for you. And if there is an autopsy due to doubt, they will determine the actual cause of death.

Another option would be an element/metal that causes death over a prolonged period. I´m not sure if I should mention this element in the forum.

 

[lebrodude]

I don't really have anything to suggest other than I completely know what you are going through as my tinnitus is grinding me down and I know I will ctb due to it.

You aren't alone.

 

[アホペンギン]

Its horrible how all these things happened to you. You're right, its almost as if you offended a high power by saying the things you mentioned in your post. I can't believe there even is a higher power, people praise said being while it allows such horrible things to happen to people, every day.

If you want, you can look into VAD (voluntary assisted dying) People with tinnitus or other debilitating problems like you will be accepted into VAD. Its in switzerland and since you said your father was getting rich, you'd probably be able to afford it for the most part. It's euthanasia and relatively peaceful. (Swiss option, I think its called.) In addition, someone in the Netherlands was accepted to VAD because of tinnitus so i think this would be a viable ctb option for you.

 

[ShadowDancer]

I was lucky to be born in this time period even though my country was shit.. I was born in a time period where video games were new and I grew up with 80s music. Van Damme movies. If I could just go back to five months ago...
There was this girl when I was 13 years old. We used to play resident evil 2 at her home. I liked her and I knew she liked me. She's in Korea now after living a few years in Japan.
If I didn't mess it up due to my social awkwardness, I would have never made the mistakes that led me here in my life.
Failing her friendship led me down a horrible path both at school and in personal life.
And now I'm here.

Wish I could come back to this life in the same body but not make the same mistakes I made before.

Or if I can be reborn in Japan in the 80s..

The idea of there being nothing on the other side is scary. I hope there is a god. Or reincarnation. i dont want to disappear like this. Still have too much to Do. But a life with brain vibrating tinnitus is unacceptable.

Its horrible how all these things happened to you. You're right, its almost as if you offended a high power by saying the things you mentioned in your post. I can't believe there even is a higher power, people praise said being while it allows such horrible things to happen to people, every day.

If you want, you can look into VAD (voluntary assisted dying) People with tinnitus or other debilitating problems like you will be accepted into VAD. Its in switzerland and since you said your father was getting rich, you'd probably be able to afford it for the most part. It's euthanasia and relatively peaceful. (Swiss option, I think its called.) In addition, someone in the Netherlands was accepted to VAD because of tinnitus so i think this would be a viable ctb option for you.

Father won't allow it..

 

[befree]

accepted to VAD because of tinnitus

Right. I know of one case in Switzerland and I knew the person who was accepted.

 

[アホペンギン]

Father won't allow it..

Did you try explaining to him your intentions and how ctb is what you truly want, at this moment? If he still didn't understand then maybe you can wait until he passes away or just do it without his acknowledgment. It wouldn't be loyal to do such a thing but its for your own good. Maybe it can be as revenge for how he treated you before his surgery…

 

[Rhymester]

I'd like to start by saying I have been reading many threads here and I saw my youth in most of you. I have come over many many hardships and struggles much like all of you. Suicide was always in the back of my mind for a long time throughout my life but I endured. Not gonna say things got better but I got tougher and matured. Most of you will too and leave this site in due time. I don't want to assume stuff about your lives but your stories, your video game/anime profile pictures, all of us have very similar personalities. As long as you are healthy, remember, you can save some money and leave your life behind, disappear to another country and start over. Forget about how cruel the world is, there's always the chance. That's what I did.

I wasn't born attractive. Was born in a third world shitty country. Was never given enough money by my parents. I had socializing issues growing up. I was extremely hairy, tried to get that fixed and did to a degree but in the end got my entire body burnt. Small burns nothing major but in every hair follicle. I had a myriad of problems that people made fun of me for. Got rejected by girls, never given love by my parents which led me to seek consolation outside in other females' arms which led me to contract prostatitis and herpes. Never had a proper job etc. Never studied what I wanted to study never had proper anything. Always fought with father(physically too). Mother was Bpd which I inherited. Bro is autistic and to a degree I am too. Got used to it all.

My father,after having a heart attack and getting surgery, started treating me like a proper son. He wanted me to do things his way, over time he got wealthier. I conceded and started seeing things his way. I realized people were suffering outside. At least id be sheltered if I were to take over my father's business and have a real bright future for the first time in my life. I matured.no amount if pain I endured in the past mattered.

I wanted to fix the prostatitis before catching a plane to Korea and then Japan and then hong Kong for my vacation. They gave me ofloxacin which is like Cipro. Got insomnia, couldn't sleep for ten days. Searched online and the scientific texts I found said it would go away in two days after discontinuing the meds. So I was like ok I'll finish my course and then stop. Big mistake...

OTC pills didn't work so I was given mirtazapine. Soon after I developed visual problems along with tinnitus. Dysacussis, hyperacusis. I never tied it to mirtazapine until I found survivingantidepressants site. Thought it was the antibiotics but oh no.

Over time I got worse and worse. Now the ringing is in my head mostly, I can hear the neurons misfiring. Electricity literally moving in my brain. Outside I don't hear it. Inside only in silence. But in bed it goes up to a 6. I got visual problems too, but these don't matter much. If I had lost an eye I could take it. Losing an arm I could take it...

Cause here's the thing. My only coping mechanism was (and I had a talk about this with a friend a month before I took the damn pills) my sleep and silence and as long as I had those I could endure anything. I could go anywhere, start over, disappear, manage dad's business...

Did I offend god by saying this so I got t and insomnia a month after?

You know what's funny? I watched all Bruce Lee movies back to back with my bro. When we were done I made a comment saying it is really cruel for him to die after taking a single pill for his headache at the age of 36. That was the last though I had on my mind when I crashed that night. I am 36. I took pills and I'm a cripple now. Did I offend god by saying this?

I took Cipro before. Nothing happened. Sometime later an article popped up in my news feed warning about the dangers of cipro.i read it and years later took ofloxacin anyways. Was this a warning from god?

I wasn't able to find the pills at any pharmacy for days. And after I forced my way to get some. I placed them on my table for weeks before I took them because it didn't feel right to take them before I identified the root cause of my prostatitis. Doctors were not helpful so I decided to take them. Was god trying to get me away from taking them...

Funnily I never believed in god until this happened to me ... Always cursed his name.

If I could go back to 5 months ago.. I'd never be here. Too late for that.

My father's 73 and I sleep in his bed otherwise I'd be scared and can't fall asleep. I sleep on average two hours a night.
He has heart problems.

I need to find a way to ctb but it needs to look like I died of natural causes.

I hung myself with my belt a month ago. It works kinda but is too scary. SI kicked in and my right toe went numb for three weeks. Besides if I do that, it would cause heavy repercussions for my family members...

What do you suggest....

This sounds absolutely awful, but from reading this I realised that if I was as courageous as you I would push through anything in my life because I panic at the slightest inconveniences that life throws at me. I commend you for your courage. I'm 20 years old, I also have Tinnitus and it's just so cruel at times. I learned to just accept it—to treat it as if it's a part of me, and just imagine that everyone around me also has Tinnitus and that it's just a normal thing for everyone. This has worked for me. Sleeping in your father's bed—is it out of general fear or perhaps fear for your father's health? Either way, there is nothing wrong with that at all. In my case, I cannot fall asleep if I sleep with someone in one bed. I don't have insomnia but I often have days when it takes me ages to fall asleep and I cannot imagine how tough it must be for you to get 2 hours of sleep each night. I remember that one day when I missed out on one day of sleep and I was a wreck—missing out on 10 days of decent sleep would be imaginable for me, but the fact that you did it is inspirational to me. When life gets difficult, I keep myself busy—distracted, it helps me to forget about the Tinnitus at times. I'm sorry for not being to offer much advice on the other issues I'm not very experienced when it comes to them but keeping oneself busy is a powerful weapon.

 

[ShadowDancer]

Did you try explaining to him your intentions and how ctb is what you truly want, at this moment? If he still didn't understand then maybe you can wait until he passes away or just do it without his acknowledgment. It wouldn't be loyal to do such a thing but its for your own good. Maybe it can be as revenge for how he treated you before his surgery…

My father took me to hospitals in tears trying to find answers he doesn't give up.
Who would on their son.
No revenge. I hold no emotions of that kind for years.
Im thinking of stupid ideas like water intoxication.
Idk.

This sounds absolutely awful, but from reading this I realised that if I was as courageous as you I would push through anything in my life because I panic at the slightest inconveniences that life throws at me. I commend you for your courage. I'm 20 years old, I also have Tinnitus and it's just so cruel at times. I learned to just accept it—to treat it as if it's a part of me, and just imagine that everyone around me also has Tinnitus and that it's just a normal thing for everyone. This has worked for me. Sleeping in your father's bed—is it out of general fear or perhaps fear for your father's health? Either way, there is nothing wrong with that at all. In my case, I cannot fall asleep if I sleep with someone in one bed. I don't have insomnia but I often have days when it takes me ages to fall asleep and I cannot imagine how tough it must be for you to get 2 hours of sleep each night. I remember that one day when I missed out on one day of sleep and I was a wreck—missing out on 10 days of decent sleep would be imaginable for me, but the fact that you did it is inspirational to me. When life gets difficult, I keep myself busy—distracted, it helps me to forget about the Tinnitus at times. I'm sorry for not being to offer much advice on the other issues I'm not very experienced when it comes to them but keeping oneself busy is a powerful weapon.

This is one thing I can't do.
I can deal with losing both my legs one eye both arms you name it but this was one thing I was afraid the most. Silence was the only time I was at peace now my brain is in a constant state of fight or flight...and I get no sleep since the antibiotics messed up my Gaba receptors and mirtazapine my serotonin and other receptors..
There doesn't seem to be too much of a wiggle room here for me.
I sleep in his bed because I'm afraid. There were weeks I couldn't sleep for longer than 30 mins a night.

 

[アホペンギン]

My father took me to hospitals in tears trying to find answers he doesn't give up.
Who would on their son.
No revenge. I hold no emotions of that kind for years.
Im thinking of stupid ideas like water intoxication.
Idk.

Then he is a very nice person for doing so. I haven't heard of anyone who tried as hard as they could in order to fix someone's mental health. Unfortunately, the psychiatric fields are horrible these days so there isn't much hope of ever getting better. Lots of people would give up so this shows how good of a person your father truly is. I'm glad that you aren't thinking of taking revenge on him for how he treated you in the past, this also proves how much of a good person you are. Your soul is pure.

As for methods rather than VAD, you should still do something more peaceful and quick, don't do water poisoning or starving. Those are very stupid ideas. You should look into SN if you want, its very easy to acquire as of now and the supplementary drugs are also relatively easy to get. Heres the SN bible if you want to look into it: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...-method-comprehensive-guide-sn-method.121672/ Heres also the failed and succeeded cases of SN poisoning for some inspiration on meds to use: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/sn-successful-and-unsuccessful-cases-2023-update.120854/

I send you my best regards, i hope you can find peace someday. As someone who had tinnitus for a while (it was quite debilitating) I understand your situation. Good luck with anything that you decide to do.

 

[FuneralCry]

I find it horrific how such a thing as tinnitus even exists, it's truly so hellish how this human body can cause so much torture to be experienced, it's incredibly cruel how existing can very easily get much worse. But anyway I hope you eventually find the freedom you search for, I hate how it's purposely made so difficult to die.

 

[ShadowDancer]

I find it horrific how such a thing as tinnitus even exists, it's truly so hellish how this human body can cause so much torture to be experienced, it's incredibly cruel how existing can very easily get much worse. But anyway I hope you eventually find the freedom you search for, I hate how it's purposely made so difficult to die.

I hate how easy it is to get it and live with it the rest of your life and I hate the fact that there's no cure for it. If you have any mild hearing loss go take an SSRI and you will have tinnitus for the rest of your life. There are more than 400 ototoxic drugs out there and chances are if they aren't ototoxic, they are neurotoxic which translates to even worse tinnitus.

 

[Rhymester]

My father took me to hospitals in tears trying to find answers he doesn't give up.
Who would on their son.
No revenge. I hold no emotions of that kind for years.
Im thinking of stupid ideas like water intoxication.
Idk.

This is one thing I can't do.
I can deal with losing both my legs one eye both arms you name it but this was one thing I was afraid the most. Silence was the only time I was at peace now my brain is in a constant state of fight or flight...and I get no sleep since the antibiotics messed up my Gaba receptors and mirtazapine my serotonin and other receptors..
There doesn't seem to be too much of a wiggle room here for me.
I sleep in his bed because I'm afraid. There were weeks I couldn't sleep for longer than 30 mins a night.

My father took me to hospitals in tears trying to find answers he doesn't give up.
Who would on their son.
No revenge. I hold no emotions of that kind for years.
Im thinking of stupid ideas like water intoxication.
Idk.

This is one thing I can't do.
I can deal with losing both my legs one eye both arms you name it but this was one thing I was afraid the most. Silence was the only time I was at peace now my brain is in a constant state of fight or flight...and I get no sleep since the antibiotics messed up my Gaba receptors and mirtazapine my serotonin and other receptors..
There doesn't seem to be too much of a wiggle room here for me.
I sleep in his bed because I'm afraid. There were weeks I couldn't sleep for longer than 30 mins a night.

When I was dealing with extreme tinnitus I was convinced that there would be a cure, but after countless hours of searching the internet discovering that there was none was just awful news to me. One thing I could suggest is not to fall for those tricks on the internet that are like: do this method and your tinnitus will be gone. Unfortunately, I was so naive and desperate that I tried one of those methods and I am pretty sure it made my tinnitus worst permanently At this point I am not trying to look for a cure, but ways to manage it. I just don't want it to get worse over time. I am only 20 and scared of what the future holds. Your father is a great man for not giving up and sticking by you. It's very admirable. This seems like an odd suggestion but maybe before bed try to do some physical exercise just to tire yourself out, it helps me to fall asleep faster. I really hope that you can find some ways to manage this horrible thing known as tinnitus. It's truly awful.

 

[ShadowDancer]

When I was dealing with extreme tinnitus I was convinced that there would be a cure, but after countless hours of searching the internet discovering that there was none was just awful news to me. One thing I could suggest is not to fall for those tricks on the internet that are like: do this method and your tinnitus will be gone. Unfortunately, I was so naive and desperate that I tried one of those methods and I am pretty sure it made my tinnitus worst permanently At this point I am not trying to look for a cure, but ways to manage it. I just don't want it to get worse over time. I am only 20 and scared of what the future holds. Your father is a great man for not giving up and sticking by you. It's very admirable. This seems like an odd suggestion but maybe before bed try to do some physical exercise just to tire yourself out, it helps me to fall asleep faster. I really hope that you can find some ways to manage this horrible thing known as tinnitus. It's truly awful.

What was the method? Naltrexone? Benzos? I don't feel sleepy thanks to mirtazapine withdrawal nothing works...

 

[ftm68_99]

Right. I know of one case in Switzerland and I knew the person who was accepted.

Which VAD place was it, may I ask; Pegasos or Dignitas? Or somewhere else? Thanks.