*I'm prepared to be ridiculed, just as long as I am to open up one last time is all that really matters now.
For the past nine months, I have been in so much mental pain over a bad relationship I had with A. This true with my active police case number. The things he's done to me and sheer manipulation drove me crazy, sent me over the edge many times and led me to consider taking my life <mod edit - methods>. I wish I could tell my story full here, but its just too painful to think about and no doubt I have some form of ptsd over this. In short, I had to pay and have a lot of money to mean anything to this man. He's very good at manipulation and making someone has nice and kind as me fall for his words, and make think that you have a chance, when in reality, you don't. it's all about money to him, and I myself am I just so broken after all of this it feels like I'm beyond repair, like as much as I want and try to repair, it falls apart, making it fell all useless to keep going. I have lost ~4000 to A and that thought alone paints this picture of me, myself as desperate, and its bad look going forward as I can no longer get anyone else, especially as a gay man, which makes me more hopeless. I also no doubt have trust issues and don't even think I have the capacity to date anyone after this. It's dragged on so long that he's become such a parasite to my mind, that I can get in avoid of despair, and eventually end up taking my own life.
I feel every moment that it's my fault and I'm the one to blame for all of it, all the reasons why I lose hope in going on. I don't want to be hated or viewed seen as the worse person alive because of this. That fear gives me despair. I hope that telling my story would shed some light into the situation and kind of guy who, to this day still does what he does as a way of living, so here goes.
A and i started talking talking around February 2020, I liked him for various reasons, not only just his physical features but the fact that he liked art and never cared about body types or physique, and seems like a genuinely good person, but boy was i wrong, as that is the surface level, the part that is used to draw guys in. when we started talking he told me that he was "looking for a new husband", I thought to myself that was strange, as most people would just say the came out of a relationship, be it good or bad, but that wasn't the case here. as strange as it was, I didn't think too much of it, just figured it didn't work out, simple.
Some time later, around mid June, 2020, A calls me one, noticeable upset and anxious. He tells me and first time his situation regarding his status here in the US. A is Russian/Ukraine, and came here to the US in 2017, where he would become a exclusive model under a a work VISA. By now, that VISA had expired and A couldn't seek asylum. He was frantic and needed to do something quick, some drastic even. I fill for S at this time, more so than I had before, I felt sorry for him and wanted to help him, being the kind and nice person I am, I agreed to help him. A's plan was for me to move to Portland, Oregon to marry him, get on the lease of his place, but live together as friends.
The conditions were that I could date whoever I wanted, and be sexual with them, and he could do the same, however, every now and then A and I would take pictures together, and the later, for the interview with immigration, to make it very believable. Once it passed and he got his citizenship marriage green card, we would just be 'friends' living together. As expected, was very reluctant to this, and I initially wanted to leave him after hearing it. But, A would tell me that it was okay, and that I should do this for him as that's what friends do. I told A that I loved him for him and that I wouldn't fly across the country to be hooked up with random guys while we live together as quote 'friends', but put up this image as if we're married. I didn't want to do this. I asked A that if I was to do this, would he and I ever be able to be close, be intimate with each and he tells me, only if it's like a client-esque. I wouldn't have to pay him, but it would have to be similar to that. A is HIV+ and he wanted to have me exposed to HIV for the sake of getting government assistance. It was by then that I told him, I couldn't, I wouldn't do this. He gets upset, I could hear it in his voice the tone shift and the heavy breathing, feeling almost like this what he wants solely; feeling bad for him the next day, and just being the nice person I am, I told him that I would do it. And I would see myself flying out to Portland Oregon to visit him on July 10th.
I got there are ~9 am. I remember having a hard time finding where he stayed exactly, turns out it was some Air Bnb, where he stayed in the basement section of it. When we first met in person, he didn't welcome me, or anything at all. Not a hug, 'how as the flight', nothing. Instead he looks at me for a brief moment, almost as if observing me, we had face-timed before prior to this, but it was still strange. He then points me to the bathroom and tells me to shower. I was blindsided in the moment, but afterwards I realized just how rude that really was. Without I was fully dressed up and hygienic well before visiting him and whilst visiting him. SO this gesture from was very uncalled for. But I didn't think much of it in that moment. I almost found it ironic that he'd tell me to shower, yet his bathroom was a mess in itself. But nevertheless I did as instructed and when I finished, he instructed me to wash my clothes, alright this is odd, I thought, as I am already wearing clean clothes to begin with. He told me that my clothes where ugly, and made me wear his clothes. At first I understandably refused, but he insisted on it, and I didn't want to make him upset as he wasn't kidding, and I was all alone in a state I've never been in, so I just did as I was told.
He gave me his shorts to wear, which a bit too tight for me, and also made me very uncomfortable. I has a skin conditions on my knees and have always been very subconscious of them, which is why I where pants a lot. I told him, but he didn't care, I had to wear the shorts. Now feeling uncomfortable and nervous all at the same time, I tried me hardest to just relax and make the best of it. It didn't take long for A to get comfortable with my presence, as he would walk out of his room naked and would even use the bathroom, (not the number 1 either) with the door wide open. A little too conformable too soon. But I tried to stay collected the entire time.
After this, settling in, the first thing I did was to fill the marriage form in Multnomah county, I did this online and whilst doing this, I found myself once again being hesitate and reluctant, knowing that we're weren't actually marrying because we wanted to, but to help him out. Nevertheless, I pushed the thought aside and completed the form. As the day went on, I noticed two things, A loves to smoke weed, I mean, I'm talking almost every minute of the day, I myself, do not smoke, and felt uncomfortable, but, I do not judge those who do smoke it, and tried to be okay with it. I remember sitting on the couch with him and making a point about the weed, and he responds by blowing the smoke right in my face. Again, I didn't say nothing and just took it, I didn't want to cause conflict. A would also have the TV's volume up so loud, I remember turning it down at least twice only for him to crank it back up again. And I when I say loud, I mean it literally, too loud for comfort. A loves RuPaul's Drag Race, that is without a doubt. Not the only thing he watches, but it's definitely the majority. I personally don't mind it, as I don't watch TV at all myself. everything was going okay and well, until A needed something from the store. A few things from the grocery store, A tells me to go to the store and pick up a few things for him. He didn't offer to go along with me, or anything, he just told me where to go and that's it. I had to walk to the store, by myself. It's common curiosity, if he needs something from the store, he would go himself, and ask me if I want to come along, nope, instead he tells me to go myself.
After I ran his errand and returned, I had trouble opening the door to his place, as it had a keypad lock. I tried it twice and he comes up the steps visible upset to open it for me, he know I was back as I let him know that beforehand. In the moment I didn't think much of it, and just did as I was told, I didn't realize what he was doing there.
The day went on, and it evening, ~ 5/6pm, A was readying himself to head out, he didn't tell me where he was going before he was already almost out, I asked him and he said he's going to get him so more weed, and he'll be right back. So for a short time I was there alone. About 10-20 minutes.
When he returned, he was visible upset, something had happened there while he was out. I tried to ask what's wrong and what happened, and he was hostile, told me he didn't want to talk about it; I let him know that I'm here for him and talking would make him feel better, and then he looks at me fiercely, and repeats himself, this time, his tone changing to anger. I told him please don't take it out on me, and he goes into the other room, nothing said, implying that he prefers to hide or bottled up his emotions, or troubles, instead being open about it. It was here when A told me that he was going to rehab for ~2 weeks. He told me I would be here in his place alone, but he'd have someone else check up on me every now and then. This is so sudden, and was all on the first day, so I figured, if you're going away for 2 weeks, I'd rather not be alone in a state I've been, don't know anybody and the like for 2 weeks. I told him, if he's going away for that long, I would go back to Denver, while of course keeping in contact and he got out, and go from there. He didn't show any signs that this may have not been what he wanted while I was still there. It was only after I had returned to Denver did his demeanor towards me change completely. He become very distance, and by now the marriage hadn't happened.
About 2 weeks after I retuned to Denver, A managed to move out the place he stayed in into presumably a new house, not an apartment, but a house. How he managed to move out so quickly I never knew, but I could see why he wanted me to get on the lease of that old place. If I had, I would be in a very VERY bad spot today.
Some time had gone by and things begin to decline between us. There was a fracas when I opened up to him about my credit score, and I he thought I was lying about it, I showed him prove of it and everything, and he tells me that a 400 credit score is really good. This in turn led to another quarrel and before you know there was more fighting and at each other's throats than anything else. It wasn't until he saw how much money I had did he feel inclined to "stay" with me, even after our last fight kinda sealed the deal closed. It was here the manipulation would begin and I would begin to piece together his true intentions with me from the start. Ever so often A would text me things like, "Could you help me out, I'm low on money...", "Not enough to pay rent this month..." "I can't get food...", etc. And feeling for him as the generous person I am, I would him. $800 for rent. $200 for groceries.
Eventually I had come to some realization that he was just using me at this point, since the marriage didn't go as planned. After this, we had a major falling out, and we would go those a period of isolation, November - December 2020. But it wasn't completely over yet, over the course of 2021, January, February, our communication was scarce and nothing shy of back and forth insults. He would tell me my mother doesn't love me and wished me absorbed, this would get me upset and I'd retaliate, and then later try to reconcile, but with A, the hate stayed fierce, to the point that he would wish me dead, and tell me to just kill myself, to make sure I did it, he state that doing so would make him happy.
And that was the peak of my mental agony. I found myself on a forum numerous times, most of the posts involving S that were so subtle most wouldn't know who I meant or what I was referring to when I said I wanted to die. But it was here, that A, or, one of his friend's to say, would message me on reddit. The user by the name of would find me out the crowd of other users, on my, now deleted account. Initially he asked me via DM here ways of going out, I told him that I was dying because A wanted it so, and I just wanted to make A happy. A has become so important to me that I was willing to die for him, taking my life so to speak. The DM conversation was odd in itself, as it felt like I wasn't talking to just any reddit stranger, but someone who knew me, and this was later confirmed when I said in the DM, "if you are him, there is something I want to tell you". "I love you". When I said this, his reply was "Look, I only said that because I pissed off" (in response to telling me to kill myself). He adds that he loved me too and wanted to be there in every step of my life, things that a total strange wouldn't say to another user. It was later confirmed, when I asked him straight up if he was A, he said he was. But then, when I remembered all the bad things A said to me, I had a hard time believing it, then the user tells me that he is not A and that he only said he was to "understand better". This would later confirm to be true when I get a text from a random number.
When the number called me, it turned out that the user wasn't Alex himself, but a friend of him, and he was contacting me on A's behalf. And this is where the manipulation hits its peak. The guy instructed to me that I'm not the first to have gone through this, at least twenty (20 other guys have been through this with A. He tells me that If I want to see, speak and talk to A, I have to pay money, to his cashapp, and I mean ALOT of money. He told him that A, quote: "Does not work for free". Implying that anyone unfortunate enough to "get" with A would be led down this rabbit hole. It comes with a price in the end, it is not real, and does not last, because the guy would eventually give up knowing what's up, or would un out of money trying so hard to simply speak with A . At this point, it's a scheme, paying $800 just have a text message with A. It started with $500 to pay and I would get to speak with A. But as you can imagine this is not what happened. As desperate as I was, I paid it, and it never happened, instead, another request for another $200 was requested, and it continued, a revolving cycle.
A and his friend (which at this point I am certain is his REAL "husband") work together to cone unexpecting guys like myself out of their money, or anything else they need. This explains why A was looking for a new husband when we first connected. But I have no doubt it was the same as of how my experience ended like.
They use manipulation tactics such as this to save themselves from being reported and keep the cycle going. They can't be reported for things like harassment because they suck victims like me back in with false hopes and promises of getting back together, therefore, keep the contact in place, and voiding the conditions of harassment in a court of law. SO in the end, guys like myself are left with severe emotion damage and financial detriment, and there's nothing I can do. It's a fate that I have to accept and it hurts so much I cannot put it into words, since I genuinely loved A and tried to love him for him, but after all this I realized that all of it is fake. A has done this before so he knows how to get them in, and ruin them in the end. Leaving with their money and not giving a damn about the damage done to them emotionally, mentally.
I've since changed my number and blocked him on all handles, in some hopes to recover from this, giving it all one last try. But without a doubt I have a lot of trauma, ptsd and trust issues. And I expect people to see me a big fool, but you have to understand that I really loved this man, and I was willing to do anything for him. I try not to hate myself for feeling for him, but its really hard not to, because I know his a really bad person underneath the guise of his social media, or alias. I want people to be away for A and what he does, his true colors. This has to stop. 20 guys is insane, and it explains his almost lavish lifestyle depicted on his socials.
It was hard for me to dig into the past to tell my story, but I'm glad I did, not only as closure for me, but also for others, and understand what they're getting into with this guy.
(Recently)
The worst thing is being used by someone I genuinely loved and cared about and being unable to be open and heal from the situation out of fear of being labeled as an idiot, r word, slug. Lots of threats and manipulation.
They make it sound so good, like they care about you. They prey on the nice and kindred, the kind hearted and easy ones—the quiet ones, and unfortunately, I was the one.
My kindness, my very being, is forever gone and it's not worth living like this anymore. Changing so much so many times, not knowing who I am anymore and struggling in the shadows. No one knows or can see it. I just want it back, but I know I'm never getting back.
There isn't just trauma, there's financial ruin.
There isn't just emotional damage, there's a permanent label on me that says "I'm an idiot slug, stay away I'm r word." Because no one loses over $3000+ and is not idiotic, right? Yeah living with this is totally worth it.
This is what trying to heal has led to, never ending attempting, trying, journaling, music, reading, writing, faith, meditation, exercise, failed healing, shot-down improvements, repression, fake smiles, ER rooms, psych visits, therapy, intense therapy, CBT, meds, circulating meds, lower doses, breakdowns, lost identity, wasted tears, wishing, hoping, loss, pacing suicide days-to-weeks-to-months-to-year, money loss, financial backlog, not eating, overeating, vomiting, sleepless nights, insomnia, stress, sickness, oversleeping, dissociation, lack of focus, loss of work, labels, idiot, r word, or 'simp'.
This is a rare case where the enemy wins because I tried to stay alive, heal and fight on. An inverse outturn. No matter what I do to live on, ended in ruin. Just trying to put a blanket over all of this for the sake of others not having to deal with me only pushes the likelihood of suicide more. How can you repair a vase shattered into millions?
Anyone who managed to read this, never mind my story, would agree I am a lost cause. Without doubt I'll eventually end up dead, 100%. I don't know when. I don't know, or when. Likely when I lose conscious thinking, not knowing, then it's too late. Not fully aware since its caused me to be so numb to every tangible thing, physically and mentally. Debilitating way to go out. Painful before and when dying, no difference to me. The physical and mental agony tacked on days and weeks and months, I won't be surprised to the pain of dying. Pain is pain no matter where or how its inflicted.
(How am I now as of this day?)
Not knowing when or how, but I guess that's how it's actually like for me. You couldn't have been me to live through this, that's just how it is.
For the past nine months, I have been in so much mental pain over a bad relationship I had with A. This true with my active police case number. The things he's done to me and sheer manipulation drove me crazy, sent me over the edge many times and led me to consider taking my life <mod edit - methods>. I wish I could tell my story full here, but its just too painful to think about and no doubt I have some form of ptsd over this. In short, I had to pay and have a lot of money to mean anything to this man. He's very good at manipulation and making someone has nice and kind as me fall for his words, and make think that you have a chance, when in reality, you don't. it's all about money to him, and I myself am I just so broken after all of this it feels like I'm beyond repair, like as much as I want and try to repair, it falls apart, making it fell all useless to keep going. I have lost ~4000 to A and that thought alone paints this picture of me, myself as desperate, and its bad look going forward as I can no longer get anyone else, especially as a gay man, which makes me more hopeless. I also no doubt have trust issues and don't even think I have the capacity to date anyone after this. It's dragged on so long that he's become such a parasite to my mind, that I can get in avoid of despair, and eventually end up taking my own life.
I feel every moment that it's my fault and I'm the one to blame for all of it, all the reasons why I lose hope in going on. I don't want to be hated or viewed seen as the worse person alive because of this. That fear gives me despair. I hope that telling my story would shed some light into the situation and kind of guy who, to this day still does what he does as a way of living, so here goes.
A and i started talking talking around February 2020, I liked him for various reasons, not only just his physical features but the fact that he liked art and never cared about body types or physique, and seems like a genuinely good person, but boy was i wrong, as that is the surface level, the part that is used to draw guys in. when we started talking he told me that he was "looking for a new husband", I thought to myself that was strange, as most people would just say the came out of a relationship, be it good or bad, but that wasn't the case here. as strange as it was, I didn't think too much of it, just figured it didn't work out, simple.
Some time later, around mid June, 2020, A calls me one, noticeable upset and anxious. He tells me and first time his situation regarding his status here in the US. A is Russian/Ukraine, and came here to the US in 2017, where he would become a exclusive model under a a work VISA. By now, that VISA had expired and A couldn't seek asylum. He was frantic and needed to do something quick, some drastic even. I fill for S at this time, more so than I had before, I felt sorry for him and wanted to help him, being the kind and nice person I am, I agreed to help him. A's plan was for me to move to Portland, Oregon to marry him, get on the lease of his place, but live together as friends.
The conditions were that I could date whoever I wanted, and be sexual with them, and he could do the same, however, every now and then A and I would take pictures together, and the later, for the interview with immigration, to make it very believable. Once it passed and he got his citizenship marriage green card, we would just be 'friends' living together. As expected, was very reluctant to this, and I initially wanted to leave him after hearing it. But, A would tell me that it was okay, and that I should do this for him as that's what friends do. I told A that I loved him for him and that I wouldn't fly across the country to be hooked up with random guys while we live together as quote 'friends', but put up this image as if we're married. I didn't want to do this. I asked A that if I was to do this, would he and I ever be able to be close, be intimate with each and he tells me, only if it's like a client-esque. I wouldn't have to pay him, but it would have to be similar to that. A is HIV+ and he wanted to have me exposed to HIV for the sake of getting government assistance. It was by then that I told him, I couldn't, I wouldn't do this. He gets upset, I could hear it in his voice the tone shift and the heavy breathing, feeling almost like this what he wants solely; feeling bad for him the next day, and just being the nice person I am, I told him that I would do it. And I would see myself flying out to Portland Oregon to visit him on July 10th.
I got there are ~9 am. I remember having a hard time finding where he stayed exactly, turns out it was some Air Bnb, where he stayed in the basement section of it. When we first met in person, he didn't welcome me, or anything at all. Not a hug, 'how as the flight', nothing. Instead he looks at me for a brief moment, almost as if observing me, we had face-timed before prior to this, but it was still strange. He then points me to the bathroom and tells me to shower. I was blindsided in the moment, but afterwards I realized just how rude that really was. Without I was fully dressed up and hygienic well before visiting him and whilst visiting him. SO this gesture from was very uncalled for. But I didn't think much of it in that moment. I almost found it ironic that he'd tell me to shower, yet his bathroom was a mess in itself. But nevertheless I did as instructed and when I finished, he instructed me to wash my clothes, alright this is odd, I thought, as I am already wearing clean clothes to begin with. He told me that my clothes where ugly, and made me wear his clothes. At first I understandably refused, but he insisted on it, and I didn't want to make him upset as he wasn't kidding, and I was all alone in a state I've never been in, so I just did as I was told.
He gave me his shorts to wear, which a bit too tight for me, and also made me very uncomfortable. I has a skin conditions on my knees and have always been very subconscious of them, which is why I where pants a lot. I told him, but he didn't care, I had to wear the shorts. Now feeling uncomfortable and nervous all at the same time, I tried me hardest to just relax and make the best of it. It didn't take long for A to get comfortable with my presence, as he would walk out of his room naked and would even use the bathroom, (not the number 1 either) with the door wide open. A little too conformable too soon. But I tried to stay collected the entire time.
After this, settling in, the first thing I did was to fill the marriage form in Multnomah county, I did this online and whilst doing this, I found myself once again being hesitate and reluctant, knowing that we're weren't actually marrying because we wanted to, but to help him out. Nevertheless, I pushed the thought aside and completed the form. As the day went on, I noticed two things, A loves to smoke weed, I mean, I'm talking almost every minute of the day, I myself, do not smoke, and felt uncomfortable, but, I do not judge those who do smoke it, and tried to be okay with it. I remember sitting on the couch with him and making a point about the weed, and he responds by blowing the smoke right in my face. Again, I didn't say nothing and just took it, I didn't want to cause conflict. A would also have the TV's volume up so loud, I remember turning it down at least twice only for him to crank it back up again. And I when I say loud, I mean it literally, too loud for comfort. A loves RuPaul's Drag Race, that is without a doubt. Not the only thing he watches, but it's definitely the majority. I personally don't mind it, as I don't watch TV at all myself. everything was going okay and well, until A needed something from the store. A few things from the grocery store, A tells me to go to the store and pick up a few things for him. He didn't offer to go along with me, or anything, he just told me where to go and that's it. I had to walk to the store, by myself. It's common curiosity, if he needs something from the store, he would go himself, and ask me if I want to come along, nope, instead he tells me to go myself.
After I ran his errand and returned, I had trouble opening the door to his place, as it had a keypad lock. I tried it twice and he comes up the steps visible upset to open it for me, he know I was back as I let him know that beforehand. In the moment I didn't think much of it, and just did as I was told, I didn't realize what he was doing there.
The day went on, and it evening, ~ 5/6pm, A was readying himself to head out, he didn't tell me where he was going before he was already almost out, I asked him and he said he's going to get him so more weed, and he'll be right back. So for a short time I was there alone. About 10-20 minutes.
When he returned, he was visible upset, something had happened there while he was out. I tried to ask what's wrong and what happened, and he was hostile, told me he didn't want to talk about it; I let him know that I'm here for him and talking would make him feel better, and then he looks at me fiercely, and repeats himself, this time, his tone changing to anger. I told him please don't take it out on me, and he goes into the other room, nothing said, implying that he prefers to hide or bottled up his emotions, or troubles, instead being open about it. It was here when A told me that he was going to rehab for ~2 weeks. He told me I would be here in his place alone, but he'd have someone else check up on me every now and then. This is so sudden, and was all on the first day, so I figured, if you're going away for 2 weeks, I'd rather not be alone in a state I've been, don't know anybody and the like for 2 weeks. I told him, if he's going away for that long, I would go back to Denver, while of course keeping in contact and he got out, and go from there. He didn't show any signs that this may have not been what he wanted while I was still there. It was only after I had returned to Denver did his demeanor towards me change completely. He become very distance, and by now the marriage hadn't happened.
About 2 weeks after I retuned to Denver, A managed to move out the place he stayed in into presumably a new house, not an apartment, but a house. How he managed to move out so quickly I never knew, but I could see why he wanted me to get on the lease of that old place. If I had, I would be in a very VERY bad spot today.
Some time had gone by and things begin to decline between us. There was a fracas when I opened up to him about my credit score, and I he thought I was lying about it, I showed him prove of it and everything, and he tells me that a 400 credit score is really good. This in turn led to another quarrel and before you know there was more fighting and at each other's throats than anything else. It wasn't until he saw how much money I had did he feel inclined to "stay" with me, even after our last fight kinda sealed the deal closed. It was here the manipulation would begin and I would begin to piece together his true intentions with me from the start. Ever so often A would text me things like, "Could you help me out, I'm low on money...", "Not enough to pay rent this month..." "I can't get food...", etc. And feeling for him as the generous person I am, I would him. $800 for rent. $200 for groceries.
Eventually I had come to some realization that he was just using me at this point, since the marriage didn't go as planned. After this, we had a major falling out, and we would go those a period of isolation, November - December 2020. But it wasn't completely over yet, over the course of 2021, January, February, our communication was scarce and nothing shy of back and forth insults. He would tell me my mother doesn't love me and wished me absorbed, this would get me upset and I'd retaliate, and then later try to reconcile, but with A, the hate stayed fierce, to the point that he would wish me dead, and tell me to just kill myself, to make sure I did it, he state that doing so would make him happy.
And that was the peak of my mental agony. I found myself on a forum numerous times, most of the posts involving S that were so subtle most wouldn't know who I meant or what I was referring to when I said I wanted to die. But it was here, that A, or, one of his friend's to say, would message me on reddit. The user by the name of would find me out the crowd of other users, on my, now deleted account. Initially he asked me via DM here ways of going out, I told him that I was dying because A wanted it so, and I just wanted to make A happy. A has become so important to me that I was willing to die for him, taking my life so to speak. The DM conversation was odd in itself, as it felt like I wasn't talking to just any reddit stranger, but someone who knew me, and this was later confirmed when I said in the DM, "if you are him, there is something I want to tell you". "I love you". When I said this, his reply was "Look, I only said that because I pissed off" (in response to telling me to kill myself). He adds that he loved me too and wanted to be there in every step of my life, things that a total strange wouldn't say to another user. It was later confirmed, when I asked him straight up if he was A, he said he was. But then, when I remembered all the bad things A said to me, I had a hard time believing it, then the user tells me that he is not A and that he only said he was to "understand better". This would later confirm to be true when I get a text from a random number.
When the number called me, it turned out that the user wasn't Alex himself, but a friend of him, and he was contacting me on A's behalf. And this is where the manipulation hits its peak. The guy instructed to me that I'm not the first to have gone through this, at least twenty (20 other guys have been through this with A. He tells me that If I want to see, speak and talk to A, I have to pay money, to his cashapp, and I mean ALOT of money. He told him that A, quote: "Does not work for free". Implying that anyone unfortunate enough to "get" with A would be led down this rabbit hole. It comes with a price in the end, it is not real, and does not last, because the guy would eventually give up knowing what's up, or would un out of money trying so hard to simply speak with A . At this point, it's a scheme, paying $800 just have a text message with A. It started with $500 to pay and I would get to speak with A. But as you can imagine this is not what happened. As desperate as I was, I paid it, and it never happened, instead, another request for another $200 was requested, and it continued, a revolving cycle.
A and his friend (which at this point I am certain is his REAL "husband") work together to cone unexpecting guys like myself out of their money, or anything else they need. This explains why A was looking for a new husband when we first connected. But I have no doubt it was the same as of how my experience ended like.
They use manipulation tactics such as this to save themselves from being reported and keep the cycle going. They can't be reported for things like harassment because they suck victims like me back in with false hopes and promises of getting back together, therefore, keep the contact in place, and voiding the conditions of harassment in a court of law. SO in the end, guys like myself are left with severe emotion damage and financial detriment, and there's nothing I can do. It's a fate that I have to accept and it hurts so much I cannot put it into words, since I genuinely loved A and tried to love him for him, but after all this I realized that all of it is fake. A has done this before so he knows how to get them in, and ruin them in the end. Leaving with their money and not giving a damn about the damage done to them emotionally, mentally.
I've since changed my number and blocked him on all handles, in some hopes to recover from this, giving it all one last try. But without a doubt I have a lot of trauma, ptsd and trust issues. And I expect people to see me a big fool, but you have to understand that I really loved this man, and I was willing to do anything for him. I try not to hate myself for feeling for him, but its really hard not to, because I know his a really bad person underneath the guise of his social media, or alias. I want people to be away for A and what he does, his true colors. This has to stop. 20 guys is insane, and it explains his almost lavish lifestyle depicted on his socials.
It was hard for me to dig into the past to tell my story, but I'm glad I did, not only as closure for me, but also for others, and understand what they're getting into with this guy.
(Recently)
The worst thing is being used by someone I genuinely loved and cared about and being unable to be open and heal from the situation out of fear of being labeled as an idiot, r word, slug. Lots of threats and manipulation.
They make it sound so good, like they care about you. They prey on the nice and kindred, the kind hearted and easy ones—the quiet ones, and unfortunately, I was the one.
My kindness, my very being, is forever gone and it's not worth living like this anymore. Changing so much so many times, not knowing who I am anymore and struggling in the shadows. No one knows or can see it. I just want it back, but I know I'm never getting back.
There isn't just trauma, there's financial ruin.
There isn't just emotional damage, there's a permanent label on me that says "I'm an idiot slug, stay away I'm r word." Because no one loses over $3000+ and is not idiotic, right? Yeah living with this is totally worth it.
This is what trying to heal has led to, never ending attempting, trying, journaling, music, reading, writing, faith, meditation, exercise, failed healing, shot-down improvements, repression, fake smiles, ER rooms, psych visits, therapy, intense therapy, CBT, meds, circulating meds, lower doses, breakdowns, lost identity, wasted tears, wishing, hoping, loss, pacing suicide days-to-weeks-to-months-to-year, money loss, financial backlog, not eating, overeating, vomiting, sleepless nights, insomnia, stress, sickness, oversleeping, dissociation, lack of focus, loss of work, labels, idiot, r word, or 'simp'.
This is a rare case where the enemy wins because I tried to stay alive, heal and fight on. An inverse outturn. No matter what I do to live on, ended in ruin. Just trying to put a blanket over all of this for the sake of others not having to deal with me only pushes the likelihood of suicide more. How can you repair a vase shattered into millions?
Anyone who managed to read this, never mind my story, would agree I am a lost cause. Without doubt I'll eventually end up dead, 100%. I don't know when. I don't know, or when. Likely when I lose conscious thinking, not knowing, then it's too late. Not fully aware since its caused me to be so numb to every tangible thing, physically and mentally. Debilitating way to go out. Painful before and when dying, no difference to me. The physical and mental agony tacked on days and weeks and months, I won't be surprised to the pain of dying. Pain is pain no matter where or how its inflicted.
(How am I now as of this day?)
Not knowing when or how, but I guess that's how it's actually like for me. You couldn't have been me to live through this, that's just how it is.
