I know this sounds pretty ridiculous and pathetic. But I had this thought way more than once. I have a strong desire for a partner. I have the feeling my illnesses might make me an horrendous partner and I feel very sad about that. My illnesses have destroyed every opportunity to get one so far.
Maybe I don't really know how it is to be in a real relationship. I think many have very superifical relationships. I would not want that. Just having a partner for the sake of having a partner. I rather seek a deep emotional bond. And I think sometimes I get this feeling when I am in this forum. But it is rather a conncetion to a large semi-anonymous crowd. LIke writing a public diary. It is really good that I barely get hurtful responses otherwise this would suck. Though I try to ignore assholes. I feel accompanied by some people in this forum. Not really sure if it is dependent on certain members or just as I said rather a crowd. Probably both. I know some members for a long time. It really hurts that I have to let go of some of them.
Before anyone answers that: Obviously this forum is no substitute for the sexual aspect of a relationship. I try to stay out of that topic in this forum. It is too intimate for me.
Maybe I am confusing having a partner with having a therapist. I think I had problems to strictly seperate that. I twice was close of having a relationship. I texted a girl for several months she was also mentally ill. It really felt good to support each other. I think it helped both of us. We both were pretty ill. But she always denied suicidality. Sometimes I am asking myself how she is doing - maybe she is already dead she had some somatic problems. I have never told that story and maybe I won't do that for some reasons. (also doxxing). Then I texted another (mentally ill) woman for some months. I was really manic to that time this ruined everything...it is embarrassing when I now think about it. I think with all of this I want to emphasize I have a little bit of an experience how it is to have a somewhat close bond to a woman. Probably still miles away of an usual partnership. But the support we gave it each other resembled the support which I receive when I am in this forum. I sometimes act a little bit too much like a therapist just because I read some studies. I overestimate my intellgence way too often. Also in the "relationships" (not partnerships) with these women.
Maybe I don't really know how it is to be in a real relationship. I think many have very superifical relationships. I would not want that. Just having a partner for the sake of having a partner. I rather seek a deep emotional bond. And I think sometimes I get this feeling when I am in this forum. But it is rather a conncetion to a large semi-anonymous crowd. LIke writing a public diary. It is really good that I barely get hurtful responses otherwise this would suck. Though I try to ignore assholes. I feel accompanied by some people in this forum. Not really sure if it is dependent on certain members or just as I said rather a crowd. Probably both. I know some members for a long time. It really hurts that I have to let go of some of them.
Before anyone answers that: Obviously this forum is no substitute for the sexual aspect of a relationship. I try to stay out of that topic in this forum. It is too intimate for me.
Maybe I am confusing having a partner with having a therapist. I think I had problems to strictly seperate that. I twice was close of having a relationship. I texted a girl for several months she was also mentally ill. It really felt good to support each other. I think it helped both of us. We both were pretty ill. But she always denied suicidality. Sometimes I am asking myself how she is doing - maybe she is already dead she had some somatic problems. I have never told that story and maybe I won't do that for some reasons. (also doxxing). Then I texted another (mentally ill) woman for some months. I was really manic to that time this ruined everything...it is embarrassing when I now think about it. I think with all of this I want to emphasize I have a little bit of an experience how it is to have a somewhat close bond to a woman. Probably still miles away of an usual partnership. But the support we gave it each other resembled the support which I receive when I am in this forum. I sometimes act a little bit too much like a therapist just because I read some studies. I overestimate my intellgence way too often. Also in the "relationships" (not partnerships) with these women.
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