Hello all,
I'm new to SS. I hadn't even heard of it until I read one of the recent articles about people buying kits online to CTB. I felt that I had to tell someone about my issues, and I thought that this could be the perfect community for it.
I've never told anyone a lot of this, not even a therapist. I've tried therapy a few times, but found it to be absolutely useless.
Every year, things seem to get a little worse for me, just a little less bearable, and I've finally decided that I can't allow this empty existence to continue. I think it's only a matter of time until I CTB. If not now, then at some time in the future, but I feel that it has to happen sooner, rather than later. TBH, the only thing that has stopped me in the past was lack of access to a good, relatively fail-proof method, but now I've become desperate enough that I'm willing to make it happen in almost any way that I have to, even if it's uncomfortable or painful.
One thing I think I need to make clear is that I have a visual disability. I had limited vision at birth, and it's only become worse over time, but it's not a very significant factor in why I made this decision. There are a lot of successful blind and visually impaired people around the world.
I'm just not one of them.
I'm told I used to be a very open and extraverted child. I think that part of me died when there was an incident at day care, when everyone went to the library nearby. I remember I was just being myself, greeting people at the library, even complete strangers, and one of the day care staff acted like I had done something horrible. I was shocked, because I'd never received that kind of reaction before.
Anyway, since then, I've found it hard to make friends. I had a few friends before high school, but I lost touch with all of them.
I had a few friends in my first year of high school, but they were all seniors, so they were gone the next year.
After that, I started having issues with depression, and I found it hard to stay awake during class a lot of the time.
Now, I think it was because even though I was half way through high school, I stil had no idea what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, and I felt unprepared for life on my own.
Since then, things have only gone downhill. I've never had a real job, or any kind of relationship.
To make things worse, sometime when I was living on my own for a few years, I somehow got some sort of parasitic infestation. I've tried to get help for it, but they couldn't find anything, so I've been living with the feeling of having things moving around under my skin, or jumping on me and biting me for years now, and it's become too much for me.
So, I've basically been sitting here for years, living off of government assistance, and trying to find things to kill time with. I don't like getting the assistance, but I need the money for food and other things, and that's another reason why I've decided that this has to end. Once I'm gone, the money can go to someone who needs it more.
Then, there's the recent trend towards intolerance, hatred, and cruelty in my country. I'm disgusted by how things are developing here. I think if I could, I would get citizenship in another country, move there, and then renounce my current citizenship, but my various issues prevent me, and I feel trapped.
I wish I could've made things work, I wish that I didn't have to hurt the few people who care about me, but this existence is unacceptable.
Thanks for reading.
I'm new to SS. I hadn't even heard of it until I read one of the recent articles about people buying kits online to CTB. I felt that I had to tell someone about my issues, and I thought that this could be the perfect community for it.
I've never told anyone a lot of this, not even a therapist. I've tried therapy a few times, but found it to be absolutely useless.
Every year, things seem to get a little worse for me, just a little less bearable, and I've finally decided that I can't allow this empty existence to continue. I think it's only a matter of time until I CTB. If not now, then at some time in the future, but I feel that it has to happen sooner, rather than later. TBH, the only thing that has stopped me in the past was lack of access to a good, relatively fail-proof method, but now I've become desperate enough that I'm willing to make it happen in almost any way that I have to, even if it's uncomfortable or painful.
One thing I think I need to make clear is that I have a visual disability. I had limited vision at birth, and it's only become worse over time, but it's not a very significant factor in why I made this decision. There are a lot of successful blind and visually impaired people around the world.
I'm just not one of them.
I'm told I used to be a very open and extraverted child. I think that part of me died when there was an incident at day care, when everyone went to the library nearby. I remember I was just being myself, greeting people at the library, even complete strangers, and one of the day care staff acted like I had done something horrible. I was shocked, because I'd never received that kind of reaction before.
Anyway, since then, I've found it hard to make friends. I had a few friends before high school, but I lost touch with all of them.
I had a few friends in my first year of high school, but they were all seniors, so they were gone the next year.
After that, I started having issues with depression, and I found it hard to stay awake during class a lot of the time.
Now, I think it was because even though I was half way through high school, I stil had no idea what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, and I felt unprepared for life on my own.
Since then, things have only gone downhill. I've never had a real job, or any kind of relationship.
To make things worse, sometime when I was living on my own for a few years, I somehow got some sort of parasitic infestation. I've tried to get help for it, but they couldn't find anything, so I've been living with the feeling of having things moving around under my skin, or jumping on me and biting me for years now, and it's become too much for me.
So, I've basically been sitting here for years, living off of government assistance, and trying to find things to kill time with. I don't like getting the assistance, but I need the money for food and other things, and that's another reason why I've decided that this has to end. Once I'm gone, the money can go to someone who needs it more.
Then, there's the recent trend towards intolerance, hatred, and cruelty in my country. I'm disgusted by how things are developing here. I think if I could, I would get citizenship in another country, move there, and then renounce my current citizenship, but my various issues prevent me, and I feel trapped.
I wish I could've made things work, I wish that I didn't have to hurt the few people who care about me, but this existence is unacceptable.
Thanks for reading.
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