Venting this disorder is ruining my life.

[letdown]

i don't remember the last few months, i moved and i didn't remember. all the sudden i was in an unfamiliar place with people i didn't know. all these professionals say it's dissociative identity disorder (multiple personalities), but i really don't want that to be true. i had 2 different specialists in dissociative disorders diagnose me, along with many other doctors. it's so fucking depressing. nobody in my life except doctors/psyichatrists/therapists know about it. my family doesn't know, they think i'm bipolar or schizotypal. i have to take extremely difficult tests without remembering anything in class.

i really wanted to be a doctor. a lot of people in my life tell me i work hard and i'm smart enough to do it, but i don't think i can because of this disorder. i don't feel smart, i feel clueless and spaced out all the time. if i didn't have this trauma that caused this horrible disease, i would be a lot better of a person. i think if none of that stuff happened, i could be a doctor.

medicine interests me so much, i spend most of my free time researching, but i can't fucking remember the last few months at all. DID takes years and years to treat, how could i do anything with my life when i feel like my life isn't even mine?

and that isn't even mentioning my other problems, such as starving myself and self harm. if you attempt and are a doctor, they make u do a program that is extremely costly and invasive. same thing with drug abuse and other things like that. what kind of doctor would be like me? i would never want someone who doesn't remember where they are to do surgery or anything. i think suicide is the only option. if i don't become a doctor, i will be a disappointment to the family. they tell me i get great grades in really hard classes, truth is, i don't even remember what year it is sometimes. sure, i get all A's in premed classes, but what does that mean if i am so defective? they tell me anything else would be a waste of my smarts, i don't understand. i don't feel smart, i don't remember going to class, i don't remember anything. i am not smart, i feel like i fooled them into thinking i am. idk, sorry for the vent.

 

[pyranha]

i'm sorry for what you've been going through- there are no words that could possibly soothe the pain of the things you've lost along the way to arrive here. that being said, you are not a lost cause, you're not stupid, you're not a bad person, and though it might feel like it, DID is not a death sentence. it takes a long time to treat, yes, but that's only because reintegrating the alters involved takes a long time. that doesn't mean that you'll forever suffer for years on end- it means the end goal takes a long time. even more so, everyone's definition of reintegration looks different. for some, the alters will come together into one, and for others, it's more so about unifying them into a common cause rather than trying to put them back into one being.

you can still become a doctor. i can't promise that it's going to happen this year, but it is possible. there are accommodations you can ask for, specially now that you have the diagnosis.

you're not a disappointment and you're not defective. you're someone who is suffering because of events that you had no control over- you didn't ask to be traumatized. i'm sorry that you have to deal with so much all at the same time. you can still achieve your dreams, and a few bad grades don't mean you're stupid. i've known people who failed medical school several times, but they stuck to it, and eventually managed to get their degree. so many people fail so much more often than you can even imagine for millions of reasons- failure doesn't mean you're bad, or stupid- it's a part of life. i believe in you.

 

[LilyLaroux2000]

Hiiii, I have DID as well - and a few other disorders TT. I undersatnd your struggle. - Maybe try to create a headspace? Its when you imagine a room and a table with people that are your other you (personalities) around it - it should come naturaly but you need to feel relaxed for that qwq. Maybe try keeping a journal - or try writting in it to yourself. :D We can talk more about it all if youd like ^^ - text me anytime.

 

[letdown]

i'm sorry for what you've been going through- there are no words that could possibly soothe the pain of the things you've lost along the way to arrive here. that being said, you are not a lost cause, you're not stupid, you're not a bad person, and though it might feel like it, DID is not a death sentence. it takes a long time to treat, yes, but that's only because reintegrating the alters involved takes a long time. that doesn't mean that you'll forever suffer for years on end- it means the end goal takes a long time. even more so, everyone's definition of reintegration looks different. for some, the alters will come together into one, and for others, it's more so about unifying them into a common cause rather than trying to put them back into one being.

you can still become a doctor. i can't promise that it's going to happen this year, but it is possible. there are accommodations you can ask for, specially now that you have the diagnosis.

you're not a disappointment and you're not defective. you're someone who is suffering because of events that you had no control over- you didn't ask to be traumatized. i'm sorry that you have to deal with so much all at the same time. you can still achieve your dreams, and a few bad grades don't mean you're stupid. i've known people who failed medical school several times, but they stuck to it, and eventually managed to get their degree. so many people fail so much more often than you can even imagine for millions of reasons- failure doesn't mean you're bad, or stupid- it's a part of life. i believe in you.

thank u so much for this thoughtful response. i havent really heard this, usually people (espcially online) just talk about how dibilating it is. or things they expeirnce that i dont (such as knowing all their different parts, and hella details abt them). i sometimes feel defective even among others with this disorder because i dont know much about my other parts. but this was really comforting, thank you so much for this. genieunly, you are a great person.

Hiiii, I have DID as well - and a few other disorders TT. I undersatnd your struggle. - Maybe try to create a headspace? Its when you imagine a room and a table with people that are your other you (personalities) around it - it should come naturaly but you need to feel relaxed for that qwq. Maybe try keeping a journal - or try writting in it to yourself. :D We can talk more about it all if youd like ^^ - text me anytime.

that does sound liek a very good idea, i dont really know much about my different parts, i think that could be a good way to get to know them. thanks so much for the idea. and i def might take u up on the DM offer later. that is very kind of u to offer

 

[pyranha]

it's completely understandable to feel that way- most people tend to discuss only the most doomsday thinking parts of a disorder. i understand why- they're suffering, so of course they're going to focus on the parts that are making them suffer. however, this is a double edged sword, because then when people go to find information online in order to better understand their own issues- they're bombarded with these horrific ideas about how their life is over. i had a friend who got diagnosed with bpd not too long ago, and he too thought it was a death sentence, that there was no way to come back from it- all because that's what most people discuss about it. he had no idea that dialectical behavioral therapy existed, and that you can do the worksheets from the comfort of your own home if you have the pdf.

your journey with this disorder will look different from anyone else's- because you are a unique individual. that doesn't make you a fraud, and i say this next part with gentleness- but don't believe everything you see even from others with the disorder. a lot of them are just as confused as you and that means that sometimes their way of making sense of things is going to look like a carrd of all the alters perfectly listed out with tons of details. they don't have it together- that's just what they've found to deal with their situation. best of luck out there!

 

[dontwakemeup]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you. The only limits you have are the limitations you place on yourself! 99% of our greats that I'm sure you have studied all suffered from some heavy mental illness. Having a dx doesn't mean your life is over, you just have to create different routes you have to take now. It won't be easy, but med school isn't either! I suggest you find a support group and start educating yourself about DID. DID is an interesting one but you can live the life you want. It's just a way your body has learned to process trauma and difficult situations