Venting Thinking of stopping my psychiatrist appointments

[borderline-feline]

I don't think there's anything that can be done to change me. I'm too far gone, I feel like I'm losing my mind, I hate myself, and no one can change any of that. The biggest things at the forefront of my mind, the things that make me feel like I'm losing it, are things I can't talk to my psychiatrist about, and even if I could, he can't do anything about it. I'm afraid to even talk about it here since the last time I made a thread about this, it got massively derailed by a pro-lifer.

I should've known from the day that I was diagnosed with BPD that I would never be able to recover. Medication doesn't do enough to treat BPD, and therapy just doesn't work. I feel pathetic. I'm a worthless protoplasm crying over things that don't matter, and I just want to be able to die. I'm still holding onto resentment toward my mother for not aborting me. I wish I was never born.

I'm emotionally stunted and stuck at a mental age of 12 (or possibly 10) because of trauma, and there's not a day that I don't want to viciously beat that man to death as he pleads for his life for what he did to me. I'm not capable of "getting better", and I don't think I want to since I refuse to try to get to an adult mental age.

 

[PeterRabbit]

I know about being stunted from abuse. Its amazing how another humans choices have effected my life for decades. I wish I knew how to fix that part of myself but it feels like a broken glass that's missing all of the pieces. I'm sorry.

 

[Minibosterita]

I feel this so much. I'm soo sorry it's not fair.

 

[hellispink]

I dropped the psyquiatrist and therapist one week ago after a few months visiting them. I have bpd i am helpless no one can help me because i am poison and too broken to b put together . Plus i hate those fake asses that pretend to care just because one pays them, they can go t real shit

 

[FuneralCry]

To me anything like therapy sounds completely unhelpful, and I think that the industry only exists anyway just to profit from people's suffering. I also very much wish that I never existed at all, as of course existing certainly can be torture.

 

[TAW122]

To me anything like therapy sounds completely unhelpful, and I think that the industry only exists anyway just to profit from people's suffering. I also very much wish that I never existed at all, as of course existing certainly can be torture.

That sounds like most of the time for most of us (myself included). While I don't discount the fact that there are people out there who are helped by therapy and the psychiatric industry (which more power to them), I know (as a person who has experienced the industry itself and being a patient during earlier parts of my life) it hasn't done much in the grand scheme of things to help my situation. It sure as hell doesn't help my predicaments and I only ever (temporarily) recovered at those times (in 2019 for instance) due to my own efforts and work. Therapy and psychiatry didn't do shit for me that time and many other times. In fact, I came out feeling depleted like I wasted time and effort to get nowhere (at best), and at worst, I felt like there was a looming threat of an authority potentially taking away my freedoms and enforcing their (pro-life) will on me under the guise of safety and help.

Furthermore, I will add that SaSu and prior to that, SaSu and True SaSu subreddits prior to this forum has been helpful as a venting chamber and community (before stupid admins at Reddit shut them down). In fact, I credit SaSu for keeping me sane, offering me good advice, allowing me a platform to voice my thoughts and threads (in which no other platform would allow me to speak so freely about death, suicide, and other similar topics), and even helping in some personal goals as well (especially back in 2019).

 

[Unending]

I find this pretty relevant currently. I have bpd too and psychiatrists have never helped me either so that's really hard.

I had an upsetting appointment this morning where I was told implicitly that I have self limiting beliefs for not thinking I can get better since I have only Ect and more pills left to try. They call it self limiting beliefs, I call it logic, I'm willing to keep trying in between now and when my time comes but my hypothesis of if more redundant meds are going to work has no bearing on if they actually will.

If I wanted to die before the appointment, I really want to die now. I'm tired of cycling through endless mountains of pills and retrying everything that didn't work, only for it to not work again. I have tried a VERY long list of treatments and ideas.

At this point it has begun to make me extremely resentful of "Medical professionals".

Not saying they can't help others but when they haven't been able to help me, they sure as hell weren't honest about it.
Way to victim blame the person who is being forced to die like this by the system's lack of competence.

 

[borderline-feline]

To me anything like therapy sounds completely unhelpful, and I think that the industry only exists anyway just to profit from people's suffering. I also very much wish that I never existed at all, as of course existing certainly can be torture.

I think my biggest issue with therapy is that it often doesn't do anything about the actual core issues. For example, the ever unethical exposure and response prevention therapy for OCD. ERP doesn't stop intrusive thoughts from happening, instead training people to not perform compulsions.

Therapy for OCD often involves a mantra of "maybe I am, maybe I'm not", which can actually be an incredibly triggering thought, especially with certain themes.

In my case, the vast majority of my intrusive thoughts center around forms of sexual violence because of my experience being abused as a child. The evil roach in my brain (OCD) tries to gaslight me into believing myself to be a predator, and any attempts at accepting uncertainty have only resulted in my intrusive thoughts getting worse.

 

[randy]

if you're taking SSRIs don't stop them abruptly - withdrawal will suck. taper

 

[borderline-feline]

if you're taking SSRIs don't stop them abruptly - withdrawal will suck. taper

I've been through SSRI withdrawal before. It's not that bad.

 

[randy]

I've been through SSRI withdrawal before. It's not that bad.

first couple times for me wasn't bad. just got off them again starting last october and I was nauseated for 2 months, it was terrible