Venting Thinking of escaping life everyday (CTB or Cambodia)

[DrummerWhoLovesMilk]

Hey,

Like many people here I've been plagued with everyday thoughts of suicide. I've been suicidal on and off for the past 10 years and have been recently diagnosed with Bipolar 1 after three consecutive hospitalizations for mania.

I rarely have mania, but when I do it leads me to legal problems/creating issues my friends with my immediate and family. Over time, the things I have done while manic have collectively gotten worse and has made my periods off deep depression much more devastating.

After serving some jail time for a DWI on a bike, I returned to live with my parents. My neighbors have seen police arrest me multiple times and has seen them chase me down. This is leading me to develop agoraphobia. Basically, I'm afraid to go outside of my house. Besides this, I'm currently on probation for 2 years, and cannot leave the state.

I am embarrassed of what I have become over the past 10 years, and don't want to go ANYWHERE, in fear that I'll see someone that I know. I don't have a car or license and my dad drives me to work and probation which adds to the feeling of worthlessness and embarrassment. (I'M 29 YEARS OLD)

Despite graduating college with a business degree, my spotty work history, severe anxiety, and chronic depression have led me to working as a landscaper. I call out at least twice a month and do not work Monday's saying that I need to see my probation officer that day. The job is not terrible itself, but it demands 60+ hour work weeks despite rain and blistering heat.

Between caging myself in my parents house for the next 2 years and working in slave labor conditions, I cannot see the point of this life anymore. It's very painful for me to look back at my past, realizing that I will never have that type of happiness/hope for the future again.

As much as I want to catch the bus, I cannot seem to muster up the courage. First, I thought about jumping, then thought about hanging myself with an exercise band after reading about how Chris Cornell killed himself. After that, I found this forum and saw SN and the discussion where someone literally watched Moonicide die from it and described it to a tee.

Honestly, like a lot of us, I just want to stop feeling pain. I want to stop waking up everyday feeling like a complete loser/failure. I want to be free. As much as I say I want to die, when I read people's final posts/watch videos on assisted suicide, it scares me to the core.

Because of this I am GREATLY considering moving to Cambodia. I can make $1500 a month teaching English. The only qualification is being a native speaker. Rent is 150 a month, and everything else is dirt cheap.

The one thing I worry about is violating my probation. But then again, why am I worried about violating probation when I am seriously considering killing myself? I can always CTB there if my passport expires and I can't renew it due to a VOP.

I just can't see why I'm living if I can't get any joy out of my current situation. Is it worth the risk to move across the world? It seems like a better better than dying by my own hand. Anyone want to go with me?

 

[Throwmyselfaway]

Wow that's a hell of a story. I'm sorry things are so crazy for you. If you haven't given up your passport due to probation, then you should be able to go to Cambodia. It may be a fresh start that you need. I've known a few people to go teach English in another country and they loved it. Whatever you choose I hope you find peace.

 

[DrummerWhoLovesMilk]

Wow that's a hell of a story. I'm sorry things are so crazy for you. If you haven't given up your passport due to probation, then you should be able to go to Cambodia. It may be a fresh start that you need. I've known a few people to go teach English in another country and they loved it. Whatever you choose I hope you find peace.

Yeah, the only thing making me second guess myself is the fact that my passport expires in 4 years, and I may not be able to renew it after that due to a warrant I would have from not showing up to my VOP hearing (because in theory, I'd be in Cambodia)

 

[Throwmyselfaway]

Yeah, the only thing making me second guess myself is the fact that my passport expires in 4 years, and I may not be able to renew it after that due to a warrant I would have from not showing up to my VOP hearing (because in theory, I'd be in Cambodia)

In theory too you may not have to come back either. Who knows you may end up loving it there and decide to stay. Don't see the states extraditing you from there. Could be wrong though. You might be able to put in for permanent citizenship. I would research that part of it and see what it takes.

 

[DrummerWhoLovesMilk]

In theory too you may not have to come back either. Who knows you may end up loving it there and decide to stay. Don't see the states extraditing you from there. Could be wrong though. You might be able to put in for permanent citizenship. I would research that part of it and see what it takes.

When my passport expires I can't renew the visa which would make me an illegal immigrant. The fastest way to get citizen ship is either pay the country around 75,000 dollars (not possible for me) or marry and live with wife for 3 years, then apply for citizenship. We'll see though. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go there anyways despite the repercussions. I can always CTB there if my options run out, or if I don't find happiness

 

[Throwmyselfaway]

When my passport expires I can't renew the visa which would make me an illegal immigrant. The fastest way to get citizen ship is either pay the country around 75,000 dollars (not possible for me) or marry and live with wife for 3 years, then apply for citizenship. We'll see though. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go there anyways despite the repercussions. I can always CTB there if my options run out, or if I don't find happiness

Ah gotcha.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Lovely idea. I myself might just go to a place surrounded by hundreds of miles of beautiful mountains in the middle of nowhere. Likely such an opportunity will present itself in the next several months, so, if my problem degrades beyond the point of repair, I just might do that. As for yourself, if that can bring you peace in one way or another, I wish you luck with that and you should pursue it.

 

[NeverMatteredAnyway]

I really, really like Beaker. Just wanted to say that. Im wondering, could you tell your job you only want to work 40 hrs a week? Maybe then you would start to feel differently about your situation. 60 hr work weeks dont sound great for anyones outlook, unless you love love your job. Also, who cares what the neighbors think. Theyve probably gotten arrested for something or have some other skeleton in their closet. My fear of doing something that cant be reversed is clearly showing up in my response to you. Cambodia sounds beautiful, but Id be scared to give up the security of a supportive family and possibly get in more trouble with the law on something you dont know youll like for sure.

 

[DrummerWhoLovesMilk]

I really, really like Beaker. Just wanted to say that. Im wondering, could you tell your job you only want to work 40 hrs a week? Maybe then you would start to feel differently about your situation. 60 hr work weeks dont sound great for anyones outlook, unless you love love your job. Also, who cares what the neighbors think. Theyve probably gotten arrested for something or have some other skeleton in their closet. My fear of doing something that cant be reversed is clearly showing up in my response to you. Cambodia sounds beautiful, but Id be scared to give up the security of a supportive family and possibly get in more trouble with the law on something you dont know youll like for sure.

You're absolutely right. This decision is as tough at it gets. I love my supportive family, but they have also enabled me for a long time which hasn't helped my situation.

I can't shake the feeling about my neighbors. I could when I was younger, but being 29, things feel so much different. After this last manic episode, I feel extremely embarrassed about the things I have done/said and what my neighbors have seen. (told my neighbor my girlfriend liked girls. Pressed up against a cop car and searched in front of my court, then arrested. Chased down in my court after escaping a hospital that was about to send me to a mental ward.) When I returned home, my neighbor was just standing outside mean mugging me lol.

As for the job, I can't survive on my own working 40 hours a week. I can't stand staying at my parents any longer. Staying there longer will only make me off myself much more quickly. I wouldn't be considering this move if it wasn't the absolute last resort. To me it's either catch a plane or catch the bus.

Despite all this, I do appreciate your concern and it is completely rational and valid.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

I once moved across the country, took a pay cut and lived there for 6 months before I did it in reverse.

If I hadn't gone, I'd always wonder how my life would have turned out otherwise.

I'd give another country a try. Can you ask your PO if you can go? If you can secure a job offer before you leave, they might say okay.

 

[DrummerWhoLovesMilk]

I once moved across the country, took a pay cut and lived there for 6 months before I did it in reverse.

If I hadn't gone, I'd always wonder how my life would have turned out otherwise.

I'd give another country a try. Can you ask your PO if you can go? If you can secure a job offer before you leave, they might say okay.

-Where did you move/why did you move? Why did you come back. 6 months doesn't seem like it would impact your life that drastically. What happened?

-There's no way my PO would let me move across the globe, haha. Besides, in Cambodia it's not typical to have a job lined up before you go. It is recommended that you hit the streets when you get there and drop off resumes. Most find jobs within a week because English teachers are always in demand.

 

[NeverMatteredAnyway]

I once moved across the country, took a pay cut and lived there for 6 months before I did it in reverse.

If I hadn't gone, I'd always wonder how my life would have turned out otherwise.

I'd give another country a try. Can you ask your PO if you can go? If you can secure a job offer before you leave, they might say okay.

Youre so brave. Ive only ever moved bc I was forced to or I lost my apt. It terrifies me in fact.

 

[waterbottleman]

Hey,

Like many people here I've been plagued with everyday thoughts of suicide. I've been suicidal on and off for the past 10 years and have been recently diagnosed with Bipolar 1 after three consecutive hospitalizations for mania.

I rarely have mania, but when I do it leads me to legal problems/creating issues my friends with my immediate and family. Over time, the things I have done while manic have collectively gotten worse and has made my periods off deep depression much more devastating.

After serving some jail time for a DWI on a bike, I returned to live with my parents. My neighbors have seen police arrest me multiple times and has seen them chase me down. This is leading me to develop agoraphobia. Basically, I'm afraid to go outside of my house. Besides this, I'm currently on probation for 2 years, and cannot leave the state.

I am embarrassed of what I have become over the past 10 years, and don't want to go ANYWHERE, in fear that I'll see someone that I know. I don't have a car or license and my dad drives me to work and probation which adds to the feeling of worthlessness and embarrassment. (I'M 29 YEARS OLD)

Despite graduating college with a business degree, my spotty work history, severe anxiety, and chronic depression have led me to working as a landscaper. I call out at least twice a month and do not work Monday's saying that I need to see my probation officer that day. The job is not terrible itself, but it demands 60+ hour work weeks despite rain and blistering heat.

Between caging myself in my parents house for the next 2 years and working in slave labor conditions, I cannot see the point of this life anymore. It's very painful for me to look back at my past, realizing that I will never have that type of happiness/hope for the future again.

As much as I want to catch the bus, I cannot seem to muster up the courage. First, I thought about jumping, then thought about hanging myself with an exercise band after reading about how Chris Cornell killed himself. After that, I found this forum and saw SN and the discussion where someone literally watched Moonicide die from it and described it to a tee.

Honestly, like a lot of us, I just want to stop feeling pain. I want to stop waking up everyday feeling like a complete loser/failure. I want to be free. As much as I say I want to die, when I read people's final posts/watch videos on assisted suicide, it scares me to the core.

Because of this I am GREATLY considering moving to Cambodia. I can make $1500 a month teaching English. The only qualification is being a native speaker. Rent is 150 a month, and everything else is dirt cheap.

The one thing I worry about is violating my probation. But then again, why am I worried about violating probation when I am seriously considering killing myself? I can always CTB there if my passport expires and I can't renew it due to a VOP.

I just can't see why I'm living if I can't get any joy out of my current situation. Is it worth the risk to move across the world? It seems like a better better than dying by my own hand. Anyone want to go with me?

This is interesting I'm pretty much considering the same thing myself.

I'm also 29 years old and see no point to living anymore for various reasons that I won't bother explaining here.

The only life I can see worth living is moving to Thailand and being a Math and/or English teacher there (my degree is in Math).

I also have the advantage of having a large savings account, so I could supplement the small income I get as a teacher with the dividends I receive from the stocks I own. I get a couple hundred dollars a month in dividends which is chump change in the US (particularly where I live) but goes a long way in Thailand.

Its either this or I want to CTB, I see no purpose for me living in the United States any longer.

 

[DrummerWhoLovesMilk]

This is interesting I'm pretty much considering the same thing myself.

I'm also 29 years old and see no point to living anymore for various reasons that I won't bother explaining here.

The only life I can see worth living is moving to Thailand and being a Math and/or English teacher there (my degree is in Math).

I also have the advantage of having a large savings account, so I could supplement the small income I get as a teacher with the dividends I receive from the stocks I own. I get a couple hundred dollars a month in dividends which is chump change in the US (particularly where I live) but goes a long way in Thailand.

Its either this or I want to CTB, I see no purpose for me living in the United States any longer.

I think it's worth it to just move to South East Asia. If I were you, I'd just start in Cambodia. It's cheaper, You can just show up and get the visa there, It's much easier to find a teaching job if you don't have any experience, ect..

I'm personally very nervous about teaching since I have pretty bad stage fright. Fortunately, you can buy anti-anxiety meds over the counter. Plus, I'm hoping that doing this will help deal with my anxiety. This is another reason I need to leave my parents and venture. I'm stuck in my room all day with minimal interaction which is increasing my anxiety and destroying my brain.

 

[waterbottleman]

I think it's worth it to just move to South East Asia. If I were you, I'd just start in Cambodia. It's cheaper, You can just show up and get the visa there, It's much easier to find a teaching job if you don't have any experience, ect..

I'm personally very nervous about teaching since I have pretty bad stage fright. Fortunately, you can buy anti-anxiety meds over the counter. Plus, I'm hoping that doing this will help deal with my anxiety. This is another reason I need to leave my parents and venture. I'm stuck in my room all day with minimal interaction which is increasing my anxiety and destroying my brain.

I'd look into which country I'd go to before I pack up but yeah, Thailand, Cambodia, or the Philippines. Id prefer Thailand out of the three from what I've read.

Im sure teaching would be scary at first, but just like with any other job you mold into it and get used to it. It's always pushing past your comfort zone at first that is the most challenging part.

Yeah I'm the same as you. I have no social life at all and am rotting away alone in my apartment. People have never really liked me that much in the US which plays a big role in me wanting to CTB. I want to move to Southeast Asia to escape not only my surroundings but also my past, escape how people perceive me. I pretty much just want to hit the reset button on my life, have fun, socialize, get friends and date, etc.

Im a simple guy, I don't need lots of "stuff" to make me happy. I'm a really frugal person, I think if I just lived comfortably and had a social life I'd be happy with my life. I can only see this happening outside the US since people don't really like me in the US.

 

[DrummerWhoLovesMilk]

I'd look into which country I'd go to before I pack up but yeah, Thailand, Cambodia, or the Philippines. Id prefer Thailand out of the three from what I've read.

Im sure teaching would be scary at first, but just like with any other job you mold into it and get used to it. It's always pushing past your comfort zone at first that is the most challenging part.

Yeah I'm the same as you. I have no social life at all and am rotting away alone in my apartment. People have never really liked me that much in the US which plays a big role in me wanting to CTB. I want to move to Southeast Asia to escape not only my surroundings but also my past, escape how people perceive me. I pretty much just want to hit the reset button on my life, have fun, socialize, get friends and date, etc.

Im a simple guy, I don't need lots of "stuff" to make me happy. I'm a really frugal person, I think if I just lived comfortably and had a social life I'd be happy with my life. I can only see this happening outside the US since people don't really like me in the US.

Why do you believe that people don't like you? I personally have problems connecting to other people because of my views on life (Don't want kids, Don't want marriage, don't want to live in the same place all the time.) Plus, spending a lot of time thinking about/looking up suicide and other problems I have has made it hard for me to have a normal conversation with people.

 

[Jean Améry]

Cambodia seems like an excellent idea. The problem with leaving now as you pointed out is that you'd be violating the terms of your probation and you'll likely be arrested if you ever return to your home country.

I'd advise to wait untill your probation is over and then move to Cambodia asap. I once had the opportunity to move abroad (South-Africa) but I blew it. It's something I regret to this very day. Of course there are no guarantees but I might actually have been happy, who knows?

 

[waterbottleman]

Why do you believe that people don't like you? I personally have problems connecting to other people because of my views on life (Don't want kids, Don't want marriage, don't want to live in the same place all the time.) Plus, spending a lot of time thinking about/looking up suicide and other problems I have has made it hard for me to have a normal conversation with people.

It has just been my experience for a large part of my life that people don't like me. People liked me when I was a kid and a teenager, I had a vibrant social life. However something happened when I became an adult/went to college and people just don't like me anymore.

I'm not entirely sure why because people don't explicitly say bad things about me (at least to my face, maybe they do behind my back idk though) but I can just pick up on their behavior that people don't like me. Sooner or later people avoid me and make it obvious they don't want to interact with me.

I can only speculate why, but I think part of the reason is that I'm autistic. So I think people can just tell that there's something "off" about me and it creeps them out or something. Furthermore I think another issue is that I don't really fit in anywhere. I don't pay attention to mainstream stuff like sports, video games, my musical tastes are abnormal (just random edm stuff I find on YouTube/Spotify), celebrity culture, etc. I have pretty narrow interests that most people in our age group don't have. So that can make trying to talk to people more of a challenge.

There is one caveat to people not liking me though, for some reason elderly people like me. People who are like 60+ years old. Idk why but I can just tell I get far more of a positive vibe and feedback from them. I also get compliments from them that I never hear from my peers.

 

[NeverMatteredAnyway]

Cambodia seems like an excellent idea. The problem with leaving now as you pointed out is that you'd be violating the terms of your probation and you'll likely be arrested if you ever return to your home country.

I'd advise to wait untill your probation is over and then move to Cambodia asap. I once had the opportunity to move abroad (South-Africa) but I blew it. It's something I regret to this very day. Of course there are no guarantees but I might actually have been happy, who knows?

Yes I think finagaling it to not have unwanted problems with the law is best. Last thing you need is wanting to come home, and being faced with that stuff.

It has just been my experience for a large part of my life that people don't like me. People liked me when I was a kid and a teenager, I had a vibrant social life. However something happened when I became an adult/went to college and people just don't like me anymore.

I'm not entirely sure why because people don't explicitly say bad things about me (at least to my face, maybe they do behind my back idk though) but I can just pick up on their behavior that people don't like me. Sooner or later people avoid me and make it obvious they don't want to interact with me.

I can only speculate why, but I think part of the reason is that I'm autistic. So I think people can just tell that there's something "off" about me and it creeps them out or something. Furthermore I think another issue is that I don't really fit in anywhere. I don't pay attention to mainstream stuff like sports, video games, my musical tastes are abnormal (just random edm stuff I find on YouTube/Spotify), celebrity culture, etc. I have pretty narrow interests that most people in our age group don't have. So that can make trying to talk to people more of a challenge.

There is one caveat to people not liking me though, for some reason elderly people like me. People who are like 60+ years old. Idk why but I can just tell I get far more of a positive vibe and feedback from them. I also get compliments from them that I never hear from my peers.

Ppl dont like me either. I felt flawed for many years. Then I realized, its them, not me. 99% of the world is ppl I dont like bc they are generally bad and or mean, thoughtless, have no empathy or remorse or integrity. It leaves me feeling lonely though. I tend to want whatever job I have to fulfil me, and thats never good bc no one where hours and money is involved can be trusted. Ppl just use me and throw me away. I try to avoid it and isolate. But its lonely as hell. I love this site. Its the only nice place in my world.

 

[DrummerWhoLovesMilk]

Cambodia seems like an excellent idea. The problem with leaving now as you pointed out is that you'd be violating the terms of your probation and you'll likely be arrested if you ever return to your home country.

I'd advise to wait untill your probation is over and then move to Cambodia asap. I once had the opportunity to move abroad (South-Africa) but I blew it. It's something I regret to this very day. Of course there are no guarantees but I might actually have been happy, who knows?

I realize this and have thought about it for so long. I'm willing to risk that at this point. I think about suicide 24-7 and the idea of escaping to Cambodia is the only thing that curbs that. 2 years of constant thoughts of suicide + isolation + anxiety will be much worse. I will definitely end up dead if I stay here.

Risking trouble with the law seems better to me than killing myself (that's my way of justifying it to myself)

It has just been my experience for a large part of my life that people don't like me. People liked me when I was a kid and a teenager, I had a vibrant social life. However something happened when I became an adult/went to college and people just don't like me anymore.

I'm not entirely sure why because people don't explicitly say bad things about me (at least to my face, maybe they do behind my back idk though) but I can just pick up on their behavior that people don't like me. Sooner or later people avoid me and make it obvious they don't want to interact with me.

I can only speculate why, but I think part of the reason is that I'm autistic. So I think people can just tell that there's something "off" about me and it creeps them out or something. Furthermore I think another issue is that I don't really fit in anywhere. I don't pay attention to mainstream stuff like sports, video games, my musical tastes are abnormal (just random edm stuff I find on YouTube/Spotify), celebrity culture, etc. I have pretty narrow interests that most people in our age group don't have. So that can make trying to talk to people more of a challenge.

There is one caveat to people not liking me though, for some reason elderly people like me. People who are like 60+ years old. Idk why but I can just tell I get far more of a positive vibe and feedback from them. I also get compliments from them that I never hear from my peers.

Understandable. I only connect with musicians (and suicidal people apparently.) If I didn't play music I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to connect to anyone. I also think that I'm on the spectrum, but I haven't been diagnosed.

Generally old people are happy to talk to anyone, haha. Honestly, getting older is another reason that makes me want to CTB. When I was 19, decided I would take my life at 25. I'm 29 now and nothing good has happened in my life since I was 25. I feel like my best years are over. I just want to give it one more chance before I go.

 

[NeverMatteredAnyway]

You're absolutely right. This decision is as tough at it gets. I love my supportive family, but they have also enabled me for a long time which hasn't helped my situation.

I can't shake the feeling about my neighbors. I could when I was younger, but being 29, things feel so much different. After this last manic episode, I feel extremely embarrassed about the things I have done/said and what my neighbors have seen. (told my neighbor my girlfriend liked girls. Pressed up against a cop car and searched in front of my court, then arrested. Chased down in my court after escaping a hospital that was about to send me to a mental ward.) When I returned home, my neighbor was just standing outside mean mugging me lol.

As for the job, I can't survive on my own working 40 hours a week. I can't stand staying at my parents any longer. Staying there longer will only make me off myself much more quickly. I wouldn't be considering this move if it wasn't the absolute last resort. To me it's either catch a plane or catch the bus.

Despite all this, I do appreciate your concern and it is completely rational and valid.

I get it. I do. The neighbor though, you seriously dont know whats in his closet. If hes looking at you funny then hes a jerk. Who cares what a jerk thinks. All of his thoughts are probably not worth much lol
I fear the fire more than the fire pan. I would do WHATEVER it takes to avoid the criminal justice system. Its expensive and soul depleting. To return to that nightmare is unthinkable to me. And I like choices. If you go without being done with your probation, the choice to an easy come home is annihilated. Can you ask for community service to shorten your probation?