SadCryingBunny
Student
- Apr 10, 2025
- 159
I'm actively trying to setup my nitrogen exit bag to ctb very soon on the beach at night. However what is truly stopping me from going through with it is I'm so afraid of the autopsy after I'm dead. I've told my doctor many times I'm fucked and I can't work and he writes me 3 month medical certificates. I have severe self harm cuts that cause me so much skin pain with keloid lumps that I constantly cut out and my hair loss is very bad. I am age 27 and I suffer major depression and bipolar like symptoms where I go from a normal hopeful stable mood to severe anxiety, anger and suicidal behaviour where I will smash my belongings and cut myself. I have been transferred to the disability employment agency by Centerlink as I'm in Australia and they're still a headache. I'm thinking of jumping off a certain height from my roof or couch and breaking my legs or paralysing myself in an act of self hatred and self harm if I can't gain the courage to kill myself since I'm very afraid of the autopsy. That should permanently put me on the disability pension since I'll be in a wheelchair for life which is better than being homeless if they cut my payments off. I can't do any office work due to my major cognitive impairment. I have a diploma in commerce from my late teens from Curtin College and a cert 4 in accounting and its useless since I can't focus at all. All my problems started when I lost my hair in my early 20s. What a damn waste of my mental effort studying was, only had I known my life would end up like this. My mental health situation is BAD, VERY BAD. If I heal after breaking my legs and ain't paralysed and I'm forced to stand which I doubt I barely will be able to after me initially breaking my legs and work whatever shit low wage jobs they will put me forward to, I'll just jump again until I'm fucked enough to not be able to work. I've thrown myself from my bed 2 years ago and I could barely breath. I permanently suffer from hip pain that comes and goes by itself. I've told the mental health professionals I would like assisted suicide or to be put straight into the ground after I'm dead without an autopsy and they just look at me in shock. My mums called the police during my suicidal aggressive behaviour and I was taken to the hospital for suicidal ideation and the physiatrist there was useless. I told him I want to die and not be cut open. SIMPLE. They wanted to hospitalise me, so I convinced them I wasn't suicidal so I could just leave. I got a 3 day restraining order for my aggressive behaviour at home and slept in a hotel for 3 days which costed me $550. I've been unable to work for many years beside the few hours a week of uber eats I do. Long hour shifts increase my depression and stress and I can't drive Uber everyday especially in the summer heat or winter rain. My life is over and it's done. I've accepted the situation and moved on. My only hope if I don't end up paralysed soon or decide to live and centerlink leaves me alone is to save whatever small money I can over the next decade or two along with my parental inheritance so I can comfortably retire in a very cheap cost of living country by age 50. I don't need much and will never have kids or a partner. Seriously, what kind of father can I be with this severe mental health and why would I bring a child into this disgusting existence. This life and everybody has been nothing but cruel. The YouTube video link below is sufficient to shut up any Natalist or god believer.
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