*Psyche*
Someday, I hope to see you in the light.
- Dec 10, 2021
- 57
So, when I came here it gave me solace to find others like me who could talk openly & honestly about CTB. I've been suicidal all my life. Some days are worse than others. Sometimes the feeling sticks around for weeks & that's when I get into planning. But finding this forum made me feel like I might not need to feel like ctb ever again. I was wrong, unfortunately.
I know I've only been a member for a couple of weeks, but my life circumstances have been deteriorating for a while. I'm just fed up with everything. Friday night I read the method for how to use SN to ctb & I finally don't feel scared to do it. The methods I've thought about using before were the typical ones that people use - drug OD, jumping from a high bridge, or using a firearm. But those all gave me anxiety. SN seems peaceful & it sound fairly solid in its ability to work. The other ones weren't.
With that being said, I only want to vent a bit. My life feels like a downward spiral. I describe my depression (I have chronic major depressive disorder) as if being in a muddy pit that I'm trying to climb out of. I can see light & people going by at the top. I can hear their voices & talking of going about their day. But no matter how I cry & scream for help, no one hears me. No one helps me. I try to climb the walls of this pit. Sometimes I make a little progress, but then I slide back down & sometimes deeper then before. I'm trying desperately to keep from falling to the bottom because I know what's down there... death. And I'm trying my hardest to avoid it. But I'm tired. I can only rest on a foothold for so long before I keep sliding down again. Maybe I should just stop fighting this everlasting slide in a mud filled pit & let go?
I'm fighting for my life with handicaps, too. I have fibromyalgia & other chronic pain problems. I have a neurological condition that makes me feel everything on a level of 10 when others experience those feelings/pain as a 2 or 3. I have other physical & mental problems too, but no need to list them all.
I'm of no use to anyone. I don't have a purpose in life. Yes, I have people who love me, but I rarely hear from them. My intimate life with my partner is in the trash & we argue all the time whereas we never did before.
I keep losing people I love & I grieve HARD. For years I'll stay in the initial grief stage. I just lost a close friend who I didn't keep in contract with as much as I should have in the last couple of years. I feel overwhelming guilt & excruciating pain because of her death - which was a surprise to me. I don't want to go through this process again as I just finished grieving for my beloved Duchess (my dog, who saved my life - literally - & was my whole world... my joy) who passed 3.5 years ago.
I'm just tried. Tired & in pain & sad. However, I feel I have some obligations to stick around. #1 my mother. She has her own problems (physical & mental) & has pushed 3 of her 4 children away. I'm really the only one who she talks to & even that is not very often. I've hinted at suicide to her before. She knows I've been in the hospital & that my depression is very bad. But I don't feel it's right for a parent to have to bury their child if they don't have to. My death is preventable. So, she wouldn't have to if she goes first. It's just so hard waiting. #2 I now have 2 dogs that depend on me, but not me alone. My partner helps, but he wouldn't take care of them as well as I do. Again, waiting is hard. But I want to go.... but I can also wait (on some days - others it's not so easy).
Anyhow, thank you for taking the time to read my rant. I know it's all over the place... I'm just tired in mind, body, & soul. Peace & ❤ to all.
I know I've only been a member for a couple of weeks, but my life circumstances have been deteriorating for a while. I'm just fed up with everything. Friday night I read the method for how to use SN to ctb & I finally don't feel scared to do it. The methods I've thought about using before were the typical ones that people use - drug OD, jumping from a high bridge, or using a firearm. But those all gave me anxiety. SN seems peaceful & it sound fairly solid in its ability to work. The other ones weren't.
With that being said, I only want to vent a bit. My life feels like a downward spiral. I describe my depression (I have chronic major depressive disorder) as if being in a muddy pit that I'm trying to climb out of. I can see light & people going by at the top. I can hear their voices & talking of going about their day. But no matter how I cry & scream for help, no one hears me. No one helps me. I try to climb the walls of this pit. Sometimes I make a little progress, but then I slide back down & sometimes deeper then before. I'm trying desperately to keep from falling to the bottom because I know what's down there... death. And I'm trying my hardest to avoid it. But I'm tired. I can only rest on a foothold for so long before I keep sliding down again. Maybe I should just stop fighting this everlasting slide in a mud filled pit & let go?
I'm fighting for my life with handicaps, too. I have fibromyalgia & other chronic pain problems. I have a neurological condition that makes me feel everything on a level of 10 when others experience those feelings/pain as a 2 or 3. I have other physical & mental problems too, but no need to list them all.
I'm of no use to anyone. I don't have a purpose in life. Yes, I have people who love me, but I rarely hear from them. My intimate life with my partner is in the trash & we argue all the time whereas we never did before.
I keep losing people I love & I grieve HARD. For years I'll stay in the initial grief stage. I just lost a close friend who I didn't keep in contract with as much as I should have in the last couple of years. I feel overwhelming guilt & excruciating pain because of her death - which was a surprise to me. I don't want to go through this process again as I just finished grieving for my beloved Duchess (my dog, who saved my life - literally - & was my whole world... my joy) who passed 3.5 years ago.
I'm just tried. Tired & in pain & sad. However, I feel I have some obligations to stick around. #1 my mother. She has her own problems (physical & mental) & has pushed 3 of her 4 children away. I'm really the only one who she talks to & even that is not very often. I've hinted at suicide to her before. She knows I've been in the hospital & that my depression is very bad. But I don't feel it's right for a parent to have to bury their child if they don't have to. My death is preventable. So, she wouldn't have to if she goes first. It's just so hard waiting. #2 I now have 2 dogs that depend on me, but not me alone. My partner helps, but he wouldn't take care of them as well as I do. Again, waiting is hard. But I want to go.... but I can also wait (on some days - others it's not so easy).
Anyhow, thank you for taking the time to read my rant. I know it's all over the place... I'm just tired in mind, body, & soul. Peace & ❤ to all.
