Venting Thinking about trying again...

[BorderlineSuicidal]

So, if you've seen me around here a bit, you probably know that I attempted once with SN and failed. Well, since then I have moved back in with my emotionally abusive mother, and can't take living like this anymore. She makes me feel guilty for even existing, and treats it like my fault that I don't have a job. As if I'm at fault that nobody gets back to me no matter where I apply. She guilts me for being ungrateful despite all the trauma she's given me, and I am simply fed up. I've ordered more SN. A bigger bottle of it this time, as to have less of a risk of not having enough due to it spilling. I am trying so hard to fight to stay alive and tell myself it won't be this way forever, but.... I don't know if I can do this much longer. I'm essentially only alive at this point for my boyfriend, friends, and siblings. But honestly... part of me wants to do it, and wants it to work. I want my birth giver to realize just how great the pain she's inflicted on me over the years is. I want her to realize that she's the reason I've been so depressed for so long, and want her to realize that she's why I've been suicidal since seventh grade. But there will always also be that part of me who feels bad, and feels like I'm much too hard on her. After all, as she's said almost every time when I bring up the fact that she hurt me, "I was hard to raise". I'm aware of how petty this all is, but my tolerance for being treated the way she's treated me most of my life is growing very thin. If I can't get out of here soon, I may very well not make it.

 

[Ghost2211]

Would things be better if you lived elsewhere? Strangely comforting to hear SN is painless enough you would use it a second time.

 

[BorderlineSuicidal]

Would things be better if you lived elsewhere? Strangely comforting to hear SN is painless enough you would use it a second time.

It would be much better. Unfortunately, I don't drive nor do I have the money to live on my own. I also don't really have anyone I could move in with. Also, yeah while there was a fair amount of suffering when I attempted with SN, I do genuinely believe I wouldn't have survived if my brother didn't hear me. It is a gross method that tastes awful, but I do believe it's reliable and involves less suffering than some other methods. I would just have to wait for a day when my mother isn't home to be able to pull it off, I think.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

That sounds hard to deal with.
You've mentioned boyfriend, friends and siblings. If any of them live independently, maybe it can be an option to move in with them, at least until you can find a job?

 

[Ghost2211]

It would be much better. Unfortunately, I don't drive nor do I have the money to live on my own. I also don't really have anyone I could move in with. Also, yeah while there was a fair amount of suffering when I attempted with SN, I do genuinely believe I wouldn't have survived if my brother didn't hear me. It is a gross method that tastes awful, but I do believe it's reliable and involves less suffering than some other methods. I would just have to wait for a day when my mother isn't home to be able to pull it off, I think.

I'm sorry to hear that. It's really sad when people are trapped by potentially solvable. I hope it goes better for you next time. Im sorry life has come down to this.