Discussion Thinking about/planning minor details of ctb

[falloutcarter13]

As my date with death draws nearer every day, I find myself having obsessive thoughts about the "how" of it. I always thought that picking the method and the date would be it, after I had those there would be nothing to do but try to squeeze a little enjoyment and happiness out of the time I have left. Now that I have them, I find myself obsessing over minor details related to it, things I know, logically, won't really matter at all after I'm gone. Things like what I'll wear, should I get a haircut beforehand, should I put on music to possibly ease the transition from life to death, where exactly to leave my letters/notes, should I wear an adult diaper in case I shit myself (sorry)...now I'm just obsessing over the tiny details, and its kinda driving me crazy lol.

Does anyone else think of these things? If so, what are some of your obsessive thoughts over the details of your upcoming ctb?

 

[restingspot]

The only obsessive thought I have is what happens to my body after. I want no funeral, and to be cremated, and some of my ashes sent to a friend. I don't even know if my wishes will be fulfilled, so I just. Worry.

 

[rt1989526]

Im gonna rent a private cabin for two nights to make sure Im not found too quick. Outside of that I dont give a fuck.

 

[clocktower]

haven't seen the adult diaper idea suggested before. gave me a chuckle i needed, thanks

i often think about those minor details. "should i paint my nails?" "should i be freshly shaven?" "what if they judge my corpse?" etc even though none of that will matter when i'm gone...

 

[TotallyIsolated]

Yeah these little things seem really important.

I'm thinking I should take a day off work to reduce the risk of being found before it's too late.

I know that funeral wishes aren't legally binding but I'd like to at least state for the record that I don't want a funeral, but that means writing a damn note to leave behind.

 

[so tired or manic]

I'll worried the diabetes is going to impact how sn works. if the blood sugar is high for a long time, which mine can be, the blood cells get coated in glucose and the glucose acts as a barrier for delivering the food nutrients to the cells. death by high blood sugar is your cells starving to death because the blood can't deliver what the cells need. diabetic ketoacidosis.

my plan is to be very on top of my diabetes as best I can for a while, but the what if will always exist.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

I'm doing that now:

• In which room should I do it?
• Who is going to find me and how (contact wise)?
• What if I can't get past the taste?
• Do I try to empty my apartment so my family won't have so much work to do?
• What do I do with precious things of value that I don't want just donated away?

So many little, insignificant details but I'm like that - I like to plan well. And I want to be ready for anything.

I just want it over with.

 

[UpsidedownStar]

. . .Now that I have them, I find myself obsessing over minor details related to it, things I know, logically, won't really matter at all after I'm gone. Things like what I'll wear, should I get a haircut beforehand, should I put on music to possibly ease the transition from life to death, where exactly to leave my letters/notes, should I wear an adult diaper in case I shit myself (sorry)...now I'm just obsessing over the tiny details, and its kinda driving me crazy lol.

Does anyone else think of these things? If so, what are some of your obsessive thoughts over the details of your upcoming ctb?

I can relate. I've had many similar thoughts - I'd get all dressed up in clothes that have personal significance to me, put a song on loop, skip all meals and drinks for the day, use the bathroom, what I want beside me as I die (comfort objects, notes, etc.) I have a disabled brother who needs adult diapers so I've considered that before too, because as you've probably figured, the bowels are released near/after death and I'd rather not sit in a pile of guck.

 

[Deardaddy]

Here's mine,

No messy funeral
Less visits as possible

Peace be w you brother and father.

 

[TAW122]

I had thoughts about how to keep secret, how unseen circumstances could alter my plan (even so slightly), and of course making sure my notes, manifesto, and whatever I do is 100% exactly as I have hoped for. Ultimately, yes it wouldn't matter once I have attempted and succeeded at CTB'ing, but part of me believes in leaving an impact, a voice of reason, and some contribution to our cause (the pro-choice cause).

 

[Rue89]

I think a lot about my ctb place; if it's really safe from being found, the best time to do it, and how best to make it more comfortable since it's outside on hard ground. I also thought a lot about notes. I finally settled on writing one to my mom and one to my dad. I wasted so much time thinking about what to do, if anything, for my brother. Depending on the day and how he treated me, my thoughts ranged from trying to write a heartfelt note to sending a delayed email telling him to go fuck himself. I've decided not to do anything. This may sound stupid but I also want to send a message to all the pro-lifers. Some people on SS have asked me why I care since I'm going to be dead. Honestly I don't know; I just do. I guess maybe because I've been stopped by pro-lifers for so many years. Now I have my message finalized, both written on paper, and typed and screenshotted on my iPad, and I'm trying to figure out how best to display it.

 

[Ulisses]

I think about my look. I intend to cut the hair, nail and shave the hair and the hair, so that nobody has to work with it.

 

[InevitablePattern91]

Yea. I think about the place I will ctb, and what will happen to the person who finds my body.

I'm willing to ctb using SN inside my car, but probably my mom will be the first to see me dead (she wakes up at 5 AM), I'm worried it may traumatize her or even causing her a heart attack.

Maybe I'll drive to another place in the city, a place where I will be only found in the morning, then I let a paper with my father's number and then someone call him when founding the corpse.

I will let a video recorded in a pendrive plugged in the TV, saying everything I want to say for everyone. I think it may bring them more comfort than a letter. I can express better my feelings in a video.

I want to make sure everyone knows it's not his/her fault. it's just my decision.

 

[sadghost]

Oh yes I start to think about these things more and more with each passing day. Some things on my mind:

- Should I shave my legs?
- How should I do my hair?
- Should I take my contact lenses out? What if I wake up in the hospital and I can't see? Should I pack my contacts in my bag?
- Should I wear makeup? Maybe just fill in my eyebrows?
- What should I wear? I definitely want to be comfortable
- Should I have one last "cheat" meal that my eating disorder never let me have?
- What time should I do it?
- How do I make myself untraceable so I don't get "saved"?
- What should I put in/leave out of my note?
- What should I do with my belongings?

 

[LetzteAusfahrt]

I don't worry about such things. They are not necessary to my wish to die, but they make preparations unnecessarily complicated. I've set my date and have a pretty good idea of the process, but I'm not interested in details that are irrelevant to the method.

This gives me the freedom to choose where and when I should be forced to take the bus unplanned.

 

[Silver]

Yep, I think the closer we get to a (hopefully successful) attempt, the more we focus on the minutiae. The big stuff is taken care of; now we can focus on the little things that might make a difference to how we are seen after death.

 

[Isadeth]

My own obsessive thoughts:

Do I have enough recordable books and backups to last through the years for my children?
Do I have enough cards for their birthdays, milestones like graduation, first date, marriage, etc.?
Do I record a video for my family to say goodbye and give what closure I can, or do I write a letter and let them determine the closure?
Who will I get to find me that won't traumatize anyone?
Are my final affairs in order down to the exact details and paid for so that my family has no added burden while going through grief?

The list goes on...

 

[MartyByrde]

Reading all these concerns is giving me increased anxiety. My wife basically took anything of value or care for with her months ago. So I guess that's all been taken care of.

 

[Goghaway]

I think about this stuff CONSTANTLY. I know how, but I can't figure out where. I need help with figuring that out sometime soon. I am going to let my mom know to call the police, so that they find the body and no one is traumatized without getting paid for it. I wonder if I can prepay for my cremation with my credit card before I max it out...

 

[Isadeth]

Reading all these concerns is giving me increased anxiety. My wife basically took anything of value or care for with her months ago. So I guess that's all been taken care of.

I'm so sorry about your situation, especially your anxiety with reading the content of replies. ♡ These thoughts give me horrific anxiety too.

I think about this stuff CONSTANTLY. I know how, but I can't figure out where. I need help with figuring that out sometime soon. I am going to let my mom know to call the police, so that they find the body and no one is traumatized without getting paid for it. I wonder if I can prepay for my cremation with my credit card before I max it out...

You can pay for everything ahead of time. I'm not sure where you're located, but it's usually between $600-$1500 for the costs of cremation. I'm sure there are some cheaper options too (example, buying an urn online instead of directly from the funeral home, which package you choose that they offer)... but remember, funeral directors are mandated reporters so be cautious with your reasons for preparing, especially if you're young. You can also withdraw money and leave it out for expenses. If you have a bank account, most require a bill from the funeral home to be paid with your money for closing out the account from your family first. They write a check to the funeral home being used. It can get confusing. I wish you the best ♡

 

[Goghaway]

I'm so sorry about your situation, especially your anxiety with reading the content of replies. ♡ These thoughts give me horrific anxiety too.

You can pay for everything ahead of time. I'm not sure where you're located, but it's usually between $600-$1500 for the costs of cremation. I'm sure there are some cheaper options too (example, buying an urn online instead of directly from the funeral home, which package you choose that they offer)... but remember, funeral directors are mandated reporters so be cautious with your reasons for preparing, especially if you're young. You can also withdraw money and leave it out for expenses. If you have a bank account, most require a bill from the funeral home to be paid with your money for closing out the account from your family first. They write a check to the funeral home being used. It can get confusing. I wish you the best ♡

Thank you dear! This is most helpful! I'm in the US (unfortunately, lol). Re: "If you have a bank account, most require a bill from the funeral home to be paid with your money for closing out the account from your family first. They write a check to the funeral home being used." - I'm confused by the wording of this. Could you rephrase? I'm sorry, I don't quite understand what you mean.

My own obsessive thoughts:

Do I have enough recordable books and backups to last through the years for my children?
Do I have enough cards for their birthdays, milestones like graduation, first date, marriage, etc.?
Do I record a video for my family to say goodbye and give what closure I can, or do I write a letter and let them determine the closure?
Who will I get to find me that won't traumatize anyone?
Are my final affairs in order down to the exact details and paid for so that my family has no added burden while going through grief?

The list goes on...

One of the few things I think about that I may be thankful for now is that I never had kids. I can't imagine how hard that may feel.