Venting thinking about my inner child

[february in alaska]

I don't really mean "inner child" in the sense of an internal, deep sense of childhood wonder or a traumatic need to revert back to a more childlike state of mind. I mean "inner child" in the sense that I don't see myself in the present and childhood self as the same person. It feels like I'm carrying around this kid in the back of my mind, trying and failing to protect them from all the shit and bad thoughts and mental illness. In some ways I hate them, resent them, in some ways I want to protect them, in some ways I just don't give a shit about them.

Mentally I think I've started associating fear and SI with them. When I go to CTB, I want to hold their hand and let them know they aren't going to go alone, because I'll be with them. We'll go together, and we'll finally both be at peace.

I know I sound insane with all of this. Logically, I know it's all bullshit and weird end-of-the-road ideation. I don't have DID or any kind of proper mental illness causing this, it's just something I've been thinking about and visualizing a lot lately. My entire life, my biggest fear has been dying alone with no one to be there with me. It's kind of nice to imagine that I'll never be alone, that this kid will be right there with me and they need me just as much as I need them. Am I actually just losing it, or does anyone else get this kind of feeling, like your "self" is more of a "we", or a collection of consciousness?

 

[SolomonKado]

i get the feeling and seeing your inner child suffer painfully the longer your here. I have had that same feeling. Like I'm failing him. I wasn't supposed to make him scared of being an adult. I was supposed to make his dreams come true. Not cause him nightmares.

I'm sorry you're going through all this. Just know your not alone and you are accepted here no matter what. I hope no matter what you do you find the peace him and you deserve.

 

[february in alaska]

i get the feeling and seeing your inner child suffer painfully the longer your here. I have had that same feeling. Like I'm failing him. I wasn't supposed to make him scared of being an adult. I was supposed to make his dreams come true. Not cause him nightmares.

I'm sorry you're going through all this. Just know your not alone and you are accepted here no matter what. I hope no matter what you do you find the peace him and you deserve.

Thank you, I appreciate it. And yeah, that's exactly it... it feels a lot like being an older sibling or some twisted kind of parental figure

 

[lwlaiet8887]

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...third-person-perspective.134434/#post-2173971 I made a similar thread if that helps at all it's a hard concept for me to explain as well although I don't know if we're similar. I kind of see myself as my own caretaker, it has helped me greatly cope with a lot of hard times especially when I'm deeply depressed. I think this is an intelligent coping mechanism.

 

[AllCatsAreGrey]

I really appreciate your insight here, OP. This resonates greatly with the modality of therapy I'm in - Internal Family Systems. The doctor that developed it originally did family therapy. While working with people with eating disorders he started to incorporate the method on individuals. It highlights different internal parts and their relationship in the individual. I've been getting a lot out of it.

 

[february in alaska]

I really appreciate your insight here, OP. This resonates greatly with the modality of therapy I'm in - Internal Family Systems. The doctor that developed it originally did family therapy. While working with people with eating disorders he started to incorporate the method on individuals. It highlights different internal parts and their relationship in the individual. I've been getting a lot out of it.

Absolutely. I'm actually doing a minor in psychology, and so although I'm seeing my own psyche from a pretty warped and personal viewpoint, I do find this kind of thing overall really interesting. I haven't heard of Internal Family Systems before but I can definitely kind of see elements of that in my own mind

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...third-person-perspective.134434/#post-2173971 I made a similar thread if that helps at all it's a hard concept for me to explain as well although I don't know if we're similar. I kind of see myself as my own caretaker, it has helped me greatly cope with a lot of hard times especially when I'm deeply depressed. I think this is an intelligent coping mechanism.

For sure. I think a caretaker is a great word to describe it, and I've practically overdosed on self pity before, so I think I understand. It's strange, because I am simultaneously my own caretaker and my own worst enemy. I hate myself, I have constant negative self-talk, etc etc etc, and yet I'm also the one who comforts myself and holds my own metaphorical hand. Sometimes it's a great coping mechanism, sometimes it's the cause of my downward spiral. I don't understand it myself.

 

[AllCatsAreGrey]

Very cool! I was interested to study psych in school. I wound up in an art school.

I highly recommend "No Bad Parts" by Dr Schwartz. When I first read it I skipped all the exercises to get the theory first. As your studying, it may be interesting for you.

 

[angel444]

i relate to this in a way. i feel kind of similar , i feel like my past self, who i was when i was a child is like a completely different person then who i am right now. as if its another identity in a way? im unsure how to describe it.. but i feel our situation regarding this is somewhat similar lol . the middle section of ur post is rlly kind of sweet in a way ... i also want to do that, since no one else has ever really been there for me or my younger self .