My mom recently had a stroke. It was a complete shock for me. Also because I know when she dies I will commit suicide soon afterwards. She supports me on many levels because I am a wreck. Everything will be way more difficult now. Another major reason why I would ctb are the financials. I probably cannot work and I comforted me with the thought at least my parents can work for some more years. When she dies I would be finanically extremely screwed. So much that I would ctb instantly.
She is too too vulnerable to talk about that now. Usually she is too young to get a stroke. But the last years were very rough for her. I already suspected something like that could happen. Even though I was still surprised that it happened now. I got several psychosis and I am now disabled. My sister got several psychosis and is now disabled. My grandma is always lonely and my mom also supports her. The main root of the unluck of this family was the abuse. The child abuse which ruined all of our lives. My family members are morons and rather refer to destiny or that this all was accidental. Sorry but if you would not have abused chidlren for more than a decade we could all have way more life quality now. But instead of blaming the roots of it they blame the symptoms. Also my sister does blame me but honestly I think her brain is not working right anymore. I should be more understanding towards her. But she makes that difficult for me.
I often ask myself do I or do we deserve exactly this? This can be a cyncial question which I associate to some religious faith that I had. The answer is me and probably the rest of my family does not desevere this. But all of this thinking about desevering suffering just increases suffering for me. LIfe is not unfair it is just a fact.
I really think a life insurance for my mom could postpone my suicide for several years. I am not sure how expensive this is despite her stroke. They are no idiots they won't give you money for free. There are some factors in favor of many more years to live in case of my mom. But there are also some contra-arguments. I already looked up the question they ask. And for me the descisive thing that might could be the death for my mom were several things. In case my grandma had an horrible accident and my mom worries too much . I don't think this is the most likely scenario.
The most likely scenario would be me an/ or my sister relapse. Maybe even at the same time. I think it always burdened my mom to see her kids suffer this much. When I was acute suicidal and in extreme pain I blamed her for the abuse. I always do that when i am in extreme pain. I know for the sake of her life I should turn that off. But honestly this extreme pain lasts several months and I just cannot underego that one more time. I am already planning detailed to kill myself after the next relapse. I am so extremely anxious my mom dies because my suicide (attempt) or extreme suffering after my third psychosis. Everyone blamed me after the death of my granddad exactly for that. I don't know maybe my life is a suffering and torment simulator. I try to be rational but sometimes I feel cursed.
So yesterday when the life of my mom was more uncertain I was very determined to kill myself in case she dies. Without her support I cannot cope with this curel and cynical world. I had an idea. What if I conclude a life insurance for myself before I commit suicide. Seeminly insurances pay even when someone commits suicide in my country. A quick research destroyed my idea. The notion my suicide would give the people that I love more money felt good for me. But you seemingly have to conclude the contract 3 years prior to the suicide. This does not fit into my plans. And don't trust my words I only read that on a random website not sure whether it is true. Probably this clause is reasonable so that peole don't commit suicide just for their family getting money. I understand that.
I will wait with explaining my idea to my mom. She is too vulnerable right now. But I think such a life insurance could postpone my suicide a lot. I am so anxious. We are already financially so fucked everything gets worse and worse.
She is too too vulnerable to talk about that now. Usually she is too young to get a stroke. But the last years were very rough for her. I already suspected something like that could happen. Even though I was still surprised that it happened now. I got several psychosis and I am now disabled. My sister got several psychosis and is now disabled. My grandma is always lonely and my mom also supports her. The main root of the unluck of this family was the abuse. The child abuse which ruined all of our lives. My family members are morons and rather refer to destiny or that this all was accidental. Sorry but if you would not have abused chidlren for more than a decade we could all have way more life quality now. But instead of blaming the roots of it they blame the symptoms. Also my sister does blame me but honestly I think her brain is not working right anymore. I should be more understanding towards her. But she makes that difficult for me.
I often ask myself do I or do we deserve exactly this? This can be a cyncial question which I associate to some religious faith that I had. The answer is me and probably the rest of my family does not desevere this. But all of this thinking about desevering suffering just increases suffering for me. LIfe is not unfair it is just a fact.
I really think a life insurance for my mom could postpone my suicide for several years. I am not sure how expensive this is despite her stroke. They are no idiots they won't give you money for free. There are some factors in favor of many more years to live in case of my mom. But there are also some contra-arguments. I already looked up the question they ask. And for me the descisive thing that might could be the death for my mom were several things. In case my grandma had an horrible accident and my mom worries too much . I don't think this is the most likely scenario.
The most likely scenario would be me an/ or my sister relapse. Maybe even at the same time. I think it always burdened my mom to see her kids suffer this much. When I was acute suicidal and in extreme pain I blamed her for the abuse. I always do that when i am in extreme pain. I know for the sake of her life I should turn that off. But honestly this extreme pain lasts several months and I just cannot underego that one more time. I am already planning detailed to kill myself after the next relapse. I am so extremely anxious my mom dies because my suicide (attempt) or extreme suffering after my third psychosis. Everyone blamed me after the death of my granddad exactly for that. I don't know maybe my life is a suffering and torment simulator. I try to be rational but sometimes I feel cursed.
So yesterday when the life of my mom was more uncertain I was very determined to kill myself in case she dies. Without her support I cannot cope with this curel and cynical world. I had an idea. What if I conclude a life insurance for myself before I commit suicide. Seeminly insurances pay even when someone commits suicide in my country. A quick research destroyed my idea. The notion my suicide would give the people that I love more money felt good for me. But you seemingly have to conclude the contract 3 years prior to the suicide. This does not fit into my plans. And don't trust my words I only read that on a random website not sure whether it is true. Probably this clause is reasonable so that peole don't commit suicide just for their family getting money. I understand that.
I will wait with explaining my idea to my mom. She is too vulnerable right now. But I think such a life insurance could postpone my suicide a lot. I am so anxious. We are already financially so fucked everything gets worse and worse.
