Venting Thinking about doing it today

[trouble]

I decided that two days ago, pretty impulsive, huh?
I've been depressed for a long time already and I don't think I can take this anymore.
I get stressed so easily, and angry, too- just like I get sad and empty. Earlier that day, at 1 AM I already "tried". AKA I had a breakdown and tried to strangle myself, didn't work.

In all honesty, I don't think I'm 100% ready. I'm nervous and scared but there's also this excitement- and my mind. It won't stop until I try. Just like when I swallowed pills, drank hand sanitizer or bit into a dishwasher tab (that was pretty disgusting)-unless I try, my thoughts will keep nibbling at my brain.

If I keep on living, it'll just get worse because I'm not willing to change anything about myself or my life. It's already going downhill, anyway.

So, CTB it is- even though one part of me is telling me not to, I know that I have to.

Thanks for listening to my rant, by the way

 

[RileyTanaka]

I hate to be the one to discourage your choice, but I must say - if any part of you is doubting this, I would seriously consider taking a step back and evaluating your motives carefully before going through with a permanent decision. Have you sought out treatment from different sources? Have you told people in your life about your struggles with depression and anger? If not, then why does this need to happen now?

I understand how pain can reach a point of feeling intolerable and permanent. And yes, for some, pain will be permanent. But if you can't validate this understanding through experience, then how can you know for sure you will continue to suffer?

To be clear, no one can take away your choice to CTB - but do make sure you have tried absolutely everything to cope and recover before taking that plunge. For your own peace of mind.

 

[idontevenknowanymore]

Please don't rush into this, you should be absolutely sure that you wanna ctb!
If you do go through with it, I wish you the peace you want and deserve

 

[TheGoodGuy]

If I keep on living, it'll just get worse because I'm not willing to change anything about myself or my life. It's already going downhill, anyway.

I can definitely relate to this my apathy and anhedonia and also my physical problems such as my throat problem and psoriasis has gotten worse by each passing year so like you it´s going downhill anyways so why change and with change I mean my psychiatrist want me off benzos and stop drinking alcohol but I am not willing to change because long story short I have throughly thought it through and even written down on paper how my future will go so there will be no reward for all the extra suffering I will have to endure by quitting these drugs, alcohol makes the evening/night bareable lets say 2-3% happiness instead of nothing and benzos keep my anxiety at bay.

So like you I get it, it´s going downhill and will keep going downhill as it has done for years so it´s not a guess it´s statistics and I am not willing to change here in terms of the drugs but for social life, education, living life and all that shit I can´t change because of all my physical and mental prolblems I can´t even go to the mall or movies without being stressed out and anxious meanwhile previous friends are traveling the world with their friends in the summer break and living life to its fullest. So my psychiatrist want to take the only two things away from me that gives me just a little to cope with in "life"

 

[Deleted member 1465]

If you have doubts and are acting impulsively, be careful not to do something you may regret. I can't help but feel that impulsive actions often have an undesired outcome.
But I wish you well, whatever you decide.

 

[trouble]

Thank you for your replies, it sure means a lot. I'm still alive, unfortunately.
I didn't really have a plan nor did I have the balls to do it and now I feel like a, well, loser haha. I feel like I made all this drama for nothing- and am pretty much disappointed in myself, at some point a friend of mine even tried to help me CTB, told me that I should try with the sink but as soon as I ran out of air, my body jerked out of it. Then I proceeded to dump a lot of salt into my mouth, which didn't do anything, wanted to drink bleach but couldn't bring myself to do it and cried for the rest of the day lol.
Rushing into it surely wasn't a good idea, but I'm certain that I'll try again. When I have something that will work for sure and when the time is right.

Again, thank you for your replies- I appreciate it!