Venting Thinking about CTB so much it has become a part of me

[PropaneOctane]

DAE feel this way or am I alone?
Been like that since I was 13, but things really started going downhill ever since I was 15.

I'm 19 now, and I realized just now that instead of it being just "this thing I'm suffering with", it has formed this metaphorical crust that became permanently attached to me and now I can no longer separate "the suffering" from "the self".
It's technically been 7-ish years, so maybe it's just that, but I don't really know for sure.

 

[sanctionedusage]

yeah, like catching the bus being the end-all-be-all in the background of every decision you make, mundane or ctb related. or thinking it's your ultimate purpose and without that end, you wouldn't even be you anymore. people who try to take it away from you, intentionally or not, seem like demons

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

i feel the same

 

[itsgone2]

Same. I've gone through stages of this in life, but it's been near constant the past four months and I'm afraid my brain isn't even trying to think of any other options now.

 

[UserFromNowhere]

Yeah. It feels like I'm bound to die by suicide. My thoughts are wholly consumed by it and its shadow lingers on my mind with every passing day. Every decision I make is overshadowed by the thought that I'm going to die by my own hand and nothing can stop it. It's tormenting and prevents me from truly focusing or interacting with anything.

Nice pfp btw.

 

[Uncounted1846]

Same here. Since I turned 13 suicide has always been in the back of my mind. It wasn't until I turned 30 that thoughts grew louder and became harder to ignore. Now it's like part of my personality it feels like.

 

[dhk96]

Yeah. A psychiatrist once, smirking and all, very smugly told me "you don't want to be happy." It felt like I was being blamed for my depression because who doesn't want to be happy?

But I don't want "happy" to mean that I simply become a functional adult with CBT skills. That just translates to "keep coping until you pass naturally." With their ego, they must've believed that my own happiness was within grasp and that I was the one holding myself back from grabbing it.

It's not that I don't want to be happy--I know that I can't be happy when living is what makes me unhappy. I didn't want to grow up. I didn't want to be a failure. I still don't want to experience my parents' inevitable deaths.

Sentience is a cruel punishment and thinking/feeling is so painful. I hate myself and my being. I hate being sad. I hate being mad. I hate being embarrassed. I hate things changing within or around me. I hate my OCD. And I hate my diminished ability to enjoy any moment of happiness because those moments just become painful, nostalgic memories that remind me that I can't stop time and that I'm still here. I'll always be a childish mess that can't grow up mentally and emotionally despite the reality being that I'm already physically grown up. The things I loved are washed away by time and the people around me scare me/stress me out by changing in personality/tastes or showing signs of growing older.

I hated not being taken seriously because I was "young." And I hate that people can still tell me "you have your whole life ahead of you" despite not being that young anymore. I've been self-aware about how much despair and anxiety I would feel since elementary school. I've lived way more years in fear and anger than one without them. All these negative thoughts and emotions are so compounded that they're just "me" now.

I'm a self-made failure that was so scared of the future and believed that I would become what I am now (a child in the shell of an adult) that I sabotaged myself from the very beginning. I killed off any potential in me and lived half-assedly with the hope that I would be gone by the next year every single year. I can't change how I think and feel if I've always thought/felt this way.

If that means that I "don't want to be happy," then so be it. I don't want to be happy if even happy things make me sad and change is something I can't control.

 

[InvasionOfPublicity]

Yeah Ik what u mean. i used to just visualize myself dead via bullet wounds in the streets every night as I tried to go to sleep. it kind of just became a routine thing for me. It's been about 10 or so years since I've seriously been considering CTB. it just feels like another part of me.