LaNausée
Member
- Jan 8, 2025
- 5
So. I just got an email saying I got rejected from a housing program (because I'm not working or in therapy, despite living in a hotel paid for by the county..). Anyways, I had been waiting for this meeting for a while, and I decided that if I got in, I would try for a little longer— if I didn't, I wouldn't. I made an account on here yesterday, and I wanted support on the off chance I had exhausted all of my options and decided to ctb.
I said earlier in a reply (just before the interview, ironically enough) that I didn't want to make this decision impulsively, but it feels like I don't get a choice in that, either. I don't know what to say; I tried the best I can, I don't know what I did wrong here- even my caseworker was confident it'd work out.
I've always been a firm believer in living as long as it's tolerable, and I can't keep tolerating this with only slim hope of improvement in the future.
I don't want to be homeless and on the street at 18, I don't want to be in and out of shelters and foster homes for years longer when I've only been going this long in hopes I'd find somewhere to live and reclaim my cats (my favorite things in this world) once I finally became an adult. That hope was all I had for years, and now the goalpost has been indefinitely pushed back once again and I don't even know why. I've been handling this all for so long, but I think I've finally reached the point where the idea of more is even scarier than death.
I have a few days left at the hotel, but I don't want to put a date on it. I can't handle the fear or anticipation, I'm exhausted. Where should I go from here? Should I come up with a manageable bucket list? I'll have to go see my cats one more time, if I commit to this.
For the first time, it really feels like I have my whole life ahead of me, and I'm scared. It's like every possibility is staring at me with the conclusion right at the end, and it feels awful. I wish I had been born ill so I wouldn't have to deal with the responsibility of ending the life I didn't ask for in the first place. Sorry if this was a bummer, any thoughts or advice are appreciated !
I said earlier in a reply (just before the interview, ironically enough) that I didn't want to make this decision impulsively, but it feels like I don't get a choice in that, either. I don't know what to say; I tried the best I can, I don't know what I did wrong here- even my caseworker was confident it'd work out.
I've always been a firm believer in living as long as it's tolerable, and I can't keep tolerating this with only slim hope of improvement in the future.
I don't want to be homeless and on the street at 18, I don't want to be in and out of shelters and foster homes for years longer when I've only been going this long in hopes I'd find somewhere to live and reclaim my cats (my favorite things in this world) once I finally became an adult. That hope was all I had for years, and now the goalpost has been indefinitely pushed back once again and I don't even know why. I've been handling this all for so long, but I think I've finally reached the point where the idea of more is even scarier than death.
I have a few days left at the hotel, but I don't want to put a date on it. I can't handle the fear or anticipation, I'm exhausted. Where should I go from here? Should I come up with a manageable bucket list? I'll have to go see my cats one more time, if I commit to this.
For the first time, it really feels like I have my whole life ahead of me, and I'm scared. It's like every possibility is staring at me with the conclusion right at the end, and it feels awful. I wish I had been born ill so I wouldn't have to deal with the responsibility of ending the life I didn't ask for in the first place. Sorry if this was a bummer, any thoughts or advice are appreciated !
