Things to look for in a therapist

[LonelyDude15]

I have already tried therapy 4 times each of them being an absolute failure. I'm thinking of maybe trying again this time with a male therapist. Any idea of what I should look for in a therapist?

 

[LittleJem]

Why didn't the first four work?
I have had maybe 4 or 5 therapists through work, then 2 couples therapists and 2 individual therapists. I like one who is kind. The ones I like have a basic kindness.

You could look for one who specialises in what you are going through.

There are websites on 'how to choose a therapist' that can be helpful.
I've found...that they take your money even if they don't specialise in what you need. So it's worth looking around.

 

[LonelyDude15]

It's hard to look for kindness through a website though. I should you could go for a session o two with a therapist as a trial before you commits

 

[LittleJem]

It's hard to look for kindness through a website though. I should you could go for a session o two with a therapist as a trial before you commits

I think you can book a trial session. Some therapists charge for these and some it's free of charge.

some therapists will let you have an introductory phone call.
Some charge for that.
It can be the good ones who charge...hard to say.
I would have a shortlist of three and try and speak to each of them before deciding.

Also, another important thing is what type of therapy. Like psychodynamic or whatever. Integrative therapy brings in different types.
I am not personally a fan of Freudian stuff which I think is called psychodynamic. There are lots of types of therapy.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i've only had one, but i hope this advice is of some use anyway.

• like littlejem said, basic kindness
• understanding, refrain from judgement
• neutrality
• honesty
• investment in you (as in, they don't see you as just another client)

 

[Jellyfish42]

Avoid the ones that are noticably condescending. I've had a therapist that was condescending before and it was absolutely horrible. I didn't even want to share anything. They don't care for the patient and seem to only fix problems with upping your medication dosage :/

 

[HadEnough1974]

I have already tried therapy 4 times each of them being an absolute failure. I'm thinking of maybe trying again this time with a male therapist. Any idea of what I should look for in a therapist?

Penis size? If you're gonna lay on his couch and open up...

Ok, so on a serious note, most therapists suck at their job. Start with "what made you decide to become a therapist?"

See if they open up about themselves. Have they ever been in your shoes or did they have a family member who suffered from mental health issues?

Your first meeting should be "I'll tell you about myself but first tell me why you think you can help me and what made you chose this profession?

Please forgive my first sentence, it was my attempt at humour.

 

[LonelyDude15]

Avoid the ones that are noticably condescending. I've had a therapist that was condescending before and it was absolutely horrible. I didn't even want to share anything. They don't care for the patient and seem to only fix problems with upping your medication dosage :/

I HATE that, it's terrible to feel like your just being given pills and told to go away.

Penis size? If you're gonna lay on his couch and open up...

Ok, so on a serious note, most therapists suck at their job. Start with "what made you decide to become a therapist?"

See if they open up about themselves. Have they ever been in your shoes or did they have a family member who suffered from mental health issues?

Your first meeting should be "I'll tell you about myself but first tell me why you think you can help me and what made you chose this profession?

Please forgive my first sentence, it was my attempt at humour.

Lol it's fine, the reason I'm looking for a male therapist is because that's the one I had the most success with so I'm thinking that perhaps I'm just more comfortable with male therapists. I tend to feel like female therapists are condescending or judgemental it could all be in my head though idk.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

i've only had one, but i hope this advice is of some use anyway.

• like littlejem said, basic kindness
• understanding, refrain from judgement
• neutrality
• honesty
• investment in you (as in, they don't see you as just another client)

I agree with a lot of this.
- Ethics and appropriate boundaries are also very, very important. A therapist being too friendly and disclosing a lot may seem okay at first, but it's rather damaging to the client. I also love being "called out" by the right person, if that makes sense...
- I look for a therapist who isn't afraid to be blunt and call me out on my shit.
- Uh, I also think it's important to have a therapist who is comfortable with silence. To me it shows that the therapist is confident, and silence allows the client to have time to reflect, think about what they want to say....and it allows rapport to build between the therapist and the client.

 

[sufferingalways]

I agree with a lot of this.
- Ethics and appropriate boundaries are also very, very important. A therapist being too friendly and disclosing a lot may seem okay at first, but it's rather damaging to the client. I also love being "called out" by the right person, if that makes sense...
- I look for a therapist who isn't afraid to be blunt and call me out on my shit.
- Uh, I also think it's important to have a therapist who is comfortable with silence. To me it shows that the therapist is confident, and silence allows the client to have time to reflect, think about what they want to say....and it allows rapport to build between the therapist and the client.

Hi what do you mean by being called out?
I agree on the comfortable with silence point. I had a female dr who was okay with it. It helped.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Hi what do you mean by being called out?
I agree on the comfortable with silence point. I had a female dr who was okay with it. It helped.

If my perspective is limited or if my anxiety is getting out of control and affecting my view, I like to be "called out" and talked to directly. I was freaking out a bit about the idea of EMDR with my new therapist for various reasons. Instead of going "Ohhh I understand" she simply said "Why don't you let *me* be the therapist? trust in the process". It worked for me

 

[Myforevercharlie]

I have had many therapist over the years. I learned most from the younger ones. They are still eager to learn and be there for their clients. If I could chose again I would go for a young man or woman

Anyway, I hope therapy does help you this time!

 

[Irishman]

Age. I had my fare share of trouble with older therapists rather than the younger ones.

 

[Life_and_Death]

my first therapist didnt listen to me. so i got another therapist and i made it very clear the first day what i was looking for. "its nice you can read a book but each individual is different and is not one book fits all so we're going to listen to me" she said yeah ok that makes sense and we havent had a problem yet.

 

[LonelyDude15]

Scrolling through the list of names on Psychology Today is so stressful. I don't know who to get in contact with and I feel kinda lame paying someone to talk to me. What exactly is it that psychologists do anyways?

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Scrolling through the list of names on Psychology Today is so stressful. I don't know who to get in contact with and I feel kinda lame paying someone to talk to me. What exactly is it that psychologists do anyways?

It's so difficult to get a feel for people from just a website. I used to go to the office and look at the environment, how well its cared for (winter was great because some people didn't salt the parking lots at all and that was an automatic no), etc. If the outside seems acceptable, I would even go into the office to schedule an appointment with the therapist on my list. If the staff seemed rude, dismissive, if the atmosphere was weird, I just walked out.

I crossed off a good number of potential therapists this year based on these things alone.

Psychologists can perform clinical tests for diagnostic purposes. They may also conduct therapy.

 

[kappa]

I HATE that, it's terrible to feel like your just being given pills and told to go away.

Lol it's fine, the reason I'm looking for a male therapist is because that's the one I had the most success with so I'm thinking that perhaps I'm just more comfortable with male therapists. I tend to feel like female therapists are condescending or judgemental it could all be in my head though idk.

In my personal experience, the women I've seen have been catty AF, and let their own emotions into their work. I had one woman that was trying to help me, and she was my only good experience with a woman in mental health. One got mad and say "I refused help" because I wasn't comfortable with a certain medication.

I prefer a male therapist/psychiatrist- but it's still a huge gamble. In my opinion, the people that worked in mental health are kinda fucked up themselves.. so it's hard to find a good one. If you're paying out of pocket, this is very frustrating. Hopefully you have insurance so you aren't eating all those charges.

 

[LittleJem]

I spent a year trying to make a therapist who didn't like me like me. It took a long time for me to realise it was abuse and I was paying for it. I would say an essential quality in a therapist is unconditional positive regard. And if they or the relationship reminds you of abuse from parents and that is not resolved in the name of transference then avoid.

Therapy is most effective in combo with medication. That's what the research says.

I don't have a working medication, so my therapy is currently me paying for talking about how much I want to die. I am considering stopping and spending the money on cocaine instead. I have only tried cocaine once and it was one of the best experiences of my life.

 

[LonelyDude15]

I spent a year trying to make a therapist who didn't like me like me. It took a long time for me to realise it was abuse and I was paying for it. I would say an essential quality in a therapist is unconditional positive regard. And if they or the relationship reminds you of abuse from parents and that is not resolved in the name of transference then avoid.

Therapy is most effective in combo with medication. That's what the research says.

I don't have a working medication, so my therapy is currently me paying for talking about how much I want to die. I am considering stopping and spending the money on cocaine instead. I have only tried cocaine once and it was one of the best experiences of my life.

Cocaine is highly addictive, you can bet pharmaceutical stimulant but please don't go down the druggie route. Not be be preachy just had to say something

 

[LittleJem]

Cocaine is highly addictive, you can bet pharmaceutical stimulant but please don't go down the druggie route. Not be be preachy just had to say something

I can't afford it every day! I don't have an addictive personality. I even tried heroin to try and escape depression, but I really didn't like it. My main addiction is shopping and over-spending.

 

[LonelyDude15]

I can't afford it every day! I don't have an addictive personality. I even tried heroin to try and escape depression, but I really didn't like it. My main addiction is shopping and over-spending.

Ain' that relatable. Doesn't the withdrawal from stimulants make it not worth it anyways?

 

[LittleJem]

Ain' that relatable. Doesn't the withdrawal from stimulants make it not worth it anyways?

I only tried it once. It was like floating on a river and being part of a river. There wasn't a come down for me.
Speed doesn't do much for me. MDMA barely works on me. I asked a psychiatrist why and he said it was maybe bad drugs. Which just showed they really don't know that much. I think it is more likely that my brain doesn't produce those nice chemicals these drugs would work on. I have experienced MDMA maybe 3 times out of 10.

 

[Caspers]

You could play the questions game with new therapists. You ask them a question (eg did they like school) and then they ask you a question (eg what do you do in your spare time). It can get as deep as you want it, and it's a great way of getting to know someone

 

[LittleJem]

You could play the questions game with new therapists. You ask them a question (eg did they like school) and then they ask you a question (eg what do you do in your spare time). It can get as deep as you want it, and it's a great way of getting to know someone

Professional therapists wouldn't answer these questions. The therapy should be about the client, not about the therapist. A little bit of humanity is nice, but it it isn't about getting to know them! That's not what they are paid for and it's a different relationship to a friendship.

The therapists will all have been through therapy themselves as part of their training!!!! It's a bit like a cult ;)

 

[LonelyDude15]

What exactly is therapy? Like what do they say that a normal person can't? I used that fancy degree must've come with some tricks, right?

 

[WhiteDespair]

I have already tried therapy 4 times each of them being an absolute failure. I'm thinking of maybe trying again this time with a male therapist. Any idea of what I should look for in a therapist?

I only go for male therapists. It's whomever you're most comfortable with.

 

[kappa]

What exactly is therapy? Like what do they say that a normal person can't? I used that fancy degree must've come with some tricks, right?

Apparently some people get "homework" whatever that is... A friend can't be your therapist though, it's really tiring to have someone dump a bunch of heavy stuff on you.

Mine was really good for what I called "Reality checks." Basically I'd tell him something that has happened to me, or currently was happening. He helped a ton with validation, and helped me realize my feelings are valid. He has told me things he has noticed about me, which is always positive of course.

There was a lot of things that I thought I was making too big of a deal over, and once again, validation. Lots of family stories where his expression was very WTF, and asked me and told me that it wasn't right or normal.

For me that was helpful, because I was always told I was "too sensitive", or flat out "made stuff up."

 

[Caspers]

Professional therapists wouldn't answer these questions. The therapy should be about the client, not about the therapist. A little bit of humanity is nice, but it it isn't about getting to know them! That's not what they are paid for and it's a different relationship to a friendship.

The therapists will all have been through therapy themselves as part of their training!!!! It's a bit like a cult ;)

There's no way I'd have therapy if it was a one way street. I am telling him things I have never told a soul, and he openly replies to anything I ask as he trusts my discretion. I see no wrong asking whether they have mental health issues, and whether they have a partner. I don't like therapy to be a one way street, there is no chance we would have progressed if I only knew his name and qualifications. Each therapist has a different view on letting clients know personal information, but there is no chance I would progress with mine if it was a one way street.

 

[watsonsmith]

What exactly is therapy? Like what do they say that a normal person can't? I used that fancy degree must've come with some tricks, right?

It's pretty much like an experienced and non-judgmental best friend that you pay for listening to you. Then the therapist might be trained in some particular mode of therapy and use it to guide you through a process of self-discovery, understanding and eventually healing.

There's nothing wrong with pursuing this kind of help and I believe it's far better than any medication.

As for what to look for in a therapist... well, that's quite frustrating, because it is hard to tell after the first or even a few first conversations. But I would take good notice of whether they are listening to you, understanding what you are saying, if they are empathetic and seem to genuinely want to help you.

After a few sessions I would make sure whether they are responsive and helpful. I spent 3 years in psychodynamic psychotherapy, where the therapist was pretty much like a mirror and wouldn't say much. It has it's place, but in hindsight, I needed someone to point out certain patterns to me and help me realise some of the lessons before it was too late.

Basically, go into the first session with the idea that this is a person who is to become akin to your friend (but that you pay for being trained), feel them out.

 

[MyStateKilledMe]

I have already tried therapy 4 times each of them being an absolute failure. I'm thinking of maybe trying again this time with a male therapist. Any idea of what I should look for in a therapist?

Seeing a male therapist is a very good idea. In my experience, women do not make good therapists (sorry!), unless they do narrowly specialized therapy, like career counseling. They tend to hyperfocus on your emotions, and believe that "talking about your feelings" is the answer for everything. When in reality, they end up retraumatizing the client, leaving him/her worse than he/she came in. They try to explain things away by saying how "they're helping you feel better in the long run", only the long run never comes. Due to their stronger EQ than men's, they're harder to outwit, too. Male therapists, by contrast, tend to be more pragmatic and solution focused. Even when they won't give direct advice, they still keep the goal of finding a solution in mind, with emotions being secondary.

Outwitting your therapist may seem contradictory and self-sabotaging. But when your therapist is getting too pushy with you, refuses to believe you when you tell the truth, or is trying to retraumatize you "for your own good", you'll be very glad you have working emotional weapons in your arsenal. And it's even better if you know how to use them on the enemy.

What exactly is therapy? Like what do they say that a normal person can't? I used that fancy degree must've come with some tricks, right?

In my experience, therapists are totally useless. They're a paid listener at best, and a suicide cop at worst. They're not allowed or don't want to give advice, allegedly for your own good. Most often, they're shifty and dishonest about it; they dangle a solution in front of you just out of your reach, to get you to keep coming back. And when they notice you acting and feeling happier, they hit you with an emotional sucker punch in the stomach, to make you sad again, so you return to fix that new sadness. Lather, rinse, repeat.

My best recommendation is to get yourself antidepressants. Psychiatrists can prescribe almost anything you want, but your garden-variety nurse practitioner can prescribe most pills that aren't Schedule 2. Visiting them costs a lot less than visiting an MD, too. Also, get yourself some good psychology books, either in the few bookstores left around or on A; look for "MD", "PhD", or "PsyD" in the author's name. Read them, filter out trash from treasure, and apply the "treasure" part to your life.