I had posted a few days back about my failed partial suspension attempt. And stupid me, actually thought that maybe I got saved for some reason, maybe I got saved for some purpose or something, that things would turn out ok. Why do I do this to myself, everytime I try to think to look at the brightside, life always manages to slap me straight.
There is also this thing, where I felt like a divine intervention saved me, but now Im being abandoned. I see no one who is here to rescue me from this.
Things for a fact have gotten worse, the things I have dreaded are coming true, the thoughts I had in my most anxious state, those events have come true.
So there is this thing that happened which I dont want to get into, its too lengthy and triggering to me, but I now truly feel nothing. Absolutely nothing, there is no anger inside me, no anxiousness, no fear, no hate, I'm unable to cry too.
It feels as if I have died. I've come to peace with myself, which I previously had thought I had achieved, 2 weeks back I thought I was at peace, but I cried, I was afraid, I felt broken. Today I feel nothing, is this what true detachment is? I stopped looking forward to a future long back, but you know there are moments when you feel you could do better, you imagine something for yourself, all that is gone now.
This year I had put 100% effort in improving myself. Since January 1 I've fixed my sleep schedule, I wake up at 5 and go to gym, walk some, stopped pornography and jacking off, dropped from 83Kgs to 70kgs. Started learning German and cleared german a1 at 91%.
But nothing changed, nothing has changed, my life is still shit, and I think it'll continue to be that way. Moreover Ive come to terms with it, I dont want it to change, I dont want to put any effort in anymore, I'm finally done.
This time I will not let things to chance, I will be going full suspension, hope that it wokrs out.
Thank you all for reading, I might delete the account after a few hours. Take care all.
There is also this thing, where I felt like a divine intervention saved me, but now Im being abandoned. I see no one who is here to rescue me from this.
Things for a fact have gotten worse, the things I have dreaded are coming true, the thoughts I had in my most anxious state, those events have come true.
So there is this thing that happened which I dont want to get into, its too lengthy and triggering to me, but I now truly feel nothing. Absolutely nothing, there is no anger inside me, no anxiousness, no fear, no hate, I'm unable to cry too.
It feels as if I have died. I've come to peace with myself, which I previously had thought I had achieved, 2 weeks back I thought I was at peace, but I cried, I was afraid, I felt broken. Today I feel nothing, is this what true detachment is? I stopped looking forward to a future long back, but you know there are moments when you feel you could do better, you imagine something for yourself, all that is gone now.
This year I had put 100% effort in improving myself. Since January 1 I've fixed my sleep schedule, I wake up at 5 and go to gym, walk some, stopped pornography and jacking off, dropped from 83Kgs to 70kgs. Started learning German and cleared german a1 at 91%.
But nothing changed, nothing has changed, my life is still shit, and I think it'll continue to be that way. Moreover Ive come to terms with it, I dont want it to change, I dont want to put any effort in anymore, I'm finally done.
This time I will not let things to chance, I will be going full suspension, hope that it wokrs out.
Thank you all for reading, I might delete the account after a few hours. Take care all.
