Things don't make sense to me *rambling nonsense, sorry*

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I'm still here despite having stood in my setup everyday for the past week.

I've been thinking back over my life and things just don't make sense. Things started to go wrong for me when I was 10, things were awful, everyday not knowing what horrors would unfold in the evening. Something awful didn't happen every evening but the uncertainty of when it would next happen kept me permanently on edge. But I got through it, I got through the fear and the pain and the sadness. As the years went on and the horrors got worse I used my school work to get me through. Fast forward to now, when the horrors are different, less horrific and much less frequent but I can't cope. My child and teenage self could use study to escape, my adult self can't focus on studying because fear, anxiety and memories invade my thoughts constantly. Why could my young self cope with more than what my adult self can't cope with now? It doesn't make sense.

I've also been thinking about all the people who die everyday not wanting to. People who get sick but want to live, people who have accidents, people who get murdered, all with hopes and dreams and love and happiness in their lives. Then there's me. My situation isn't enviable by any means but there are people so much more worse off than me. There are people in worse situations than me who are fighting to make their lives better or who just get on with it, accept their situation and just live it. I don't know when the horrors are coming so I have the same anxiety I had when I was younger but when they do come they're not as bad as they used to be but It's still too much. I feel selfish and pathetic for not being able to cope with things, for wanting to find the courage to ctb, for not having the resolve to keep fighting. I feel I have nothing to fight for but I feel that I don't have the right to think this.

I went out today for the first time since April. I went to the shop and brought a load of food. I hated being out in the world. I was only out for 30 minutes and didn't speak to anyone and I still hated it. I brought so much and I don't know why, I felt so panicked that I just grabbed stuff so that I don't have to leave the house again. It seems stupid to have got so much when I want to die. I'm sure many will consider it a delay tactic, evidence that I don't want to ctb.

My flatmate hasn't returned but I have given her notice to move out. She's coming back at the end of the month to get her stuff. So in July I'll be able to ctb in my flat without her finding me and traumatising her. I've been wanting to ctb for so long and haven't managed it so 4 more weeks isn't really much. I stay up at night and try and sleep in the day so that I don't hear life going on outside.

It is mainly my mind that makes me want to ctb, it holds me prisoner and tortures me in ways that I'm sure my abuser would be envious of if he knew about them. But it is also my mind, SI, that keeps me facing these tortures that i self-inflict.

If I know I have nothing to live for why is it so hard to put myself out of my misery?

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I wonder if you could cope in that way when you were younger because you were trapped in that home and study was your escape. Now you don't have an abuser in your home, so you don't need to escape the home environment. I could be totally off, it's just that I noticed there's a difference in environment.

Glad to hear you were able to effectively deal with the roommate situation, and finally got some food.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I wonder if you could cope in that way when you were younger because you were trapped in that home and study was your escape. Now you don't have an abuser in your home, so you don't need to escape the home environment.

This should make things better though shouldn't it? I'm not trapped anymore, I'm free to live my life how I choose but I'm keeping myself trapped and choosing to concentrate on ctb rather living.In the past I have tried my best to get on with living but my mind won't let me be free. The past few months I haven't tried life, I have thought only about ending it because all that trying got me nowhere. I feel guilty for coping better as a child than I have as an adult.

It's my mum's birthday on Sunday, I didn't want to live to see another of her birthday's but I'm sure I will and it's devastating to me. My heart aches so much tonight

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

This should make things better though shouldn't it?

I don't know. I wish I could tell you.

 

[FriendofDeath]

You now have options. When you were younger, you had no options. You were trapped and used what was available to you. But now you have a world of possibilities, which can be scary or awesome. Most of your surprises, however, have been horrid, so why would you expect something different now, even if you think, since you're older, that you can handle it. The thing is, you are still that little kid. You didn't get a childhood. You didn't get to grow up. You had to survive.

I could be way off - I'm not a therapist or anything, but it just seems to me you haven't had a real chance, which you deserve. I'm sorry things are so difficult.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

it just seems to me you haven't had a real chance, which you deserve

I got out of the horrible situation (sort of) and I gave myself a chance, I gave myself so many chances but I just never manage to keep my head above water. I am so tired of it all.

I have just booked an online counseling session for 9am, not because I'm hopeful of recovery but I need to ask someone who should know why I coped as a child better than now. I don't know why this is so important all of a sudden but it it is.

 

[Painless_end]

A lot of this is quite similar to my situation. I believe the reason I coped better as a child was also studies, but also I had no real world responsibilities apart from that.

As an adult who entered the job world after my college degree, I fell flat on my face after 1 year and have been steadily falling since then. I am 31 now. The last 8 years have been hell for me.

I know the reason for my difficulties is my mind is not normal. It is not motivated by anything : fear, force, or even failure. I just gave up a long time ago and only picked things up briefly to give them up again.

Even as I write this from my bed, I feel like I am writing this sitting on the edge of a cliff.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I just gave up a long time ago and only picked things up briefly to give them up again.

I've had so many jobs since leaving home, none of them lasting more than a year. I've been unemployed for 10 years. I had the chance of a job before the virus struck but I was too terrified that I wouldn't cope. I know life has it's ups and downs and we don't know unless we try but I just can't do it anymore.I don't want to feel better anymore, I want it to be over

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

The therapist I spoke to said that what I did as a child wasn't me coping it was me surviving. I threw myself into school work to survive, I maintained the semblance of a normal life to survive and now in adulthood I'm continuing to do what I need to to survive. Staying in my flat with the curtains closed, sleeping in the day because it feels safer are what my brain is telling me is the best way to survive.

So not only does my brain want me to both die and live, my survival instinct is perpetuating my living hell and preventing me from escaping it - nice one brain, thanks for that!

 

[DumbBoi]

Its so rough feeling like our brains are our own worst enemy, theres things that we can do to combat it be it medically or therapeutically, theres defeinitely an upside to knowing that its volatile to change chemically but its just so hard to not feel likes it unbeatable whens its the core of our being
I want something more than this,but anything i can be involves tackling our brains and they're a constant enemy at times

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

His explanation made me feel slightly less pathetic in that I can see that maybe I'm not less capable as adult than I was as a child, but it hasn't changed my mind about ctb, I still want out.

I surprised myself because I cried and I haven't cried in front of someone for a long long time, I save my tears for myself. I didn't talk about being suicidal, I talked about feeling guilty all the time but not specifically about the problems I have with someone having to find my body. I talked about my mum and that was when the tears flowed and I choked on my words. I'm more broken than I thought