Synfrome
"normal" "well-adjusted" member of society
- Apr 18, 2023
- 9
Checked back into here after almost a year because I genuinely don't know where else I'm meant to express these feelings. I'm not actively suicidal atm but those thoughts have been creeping back into my brain as of recent. It's so frustrating how my outlook on whether or not all of this is worth it can change in only a few months, I hate how temperamental I am.
Anyways, I think my irl social circle is crumbling. I knew my best friend probably wasn't going to stay at this university but I wasn't ready for the impact it'd have on me. He's currently gone home for a week (he lives 5 hours away by car from the uni so it's not like I can hang out with him during this time anyway) but he's said he's probably not going to stay for third year. This paired with the fact he lives off campus while I don't means I already see him a lot less; the thought of not seeing him at all in my most stressful year of uni is doing laps on my mental state. Then we have my other "closest friend." We met in December but got involved physically with each other like April (she was in a poly relationship at the time though she was monogamous, it's a long story just know it was doomed to fail.) She broke up with her ex gf in May after her ex had crossed her boundaries multiple times and avoided doing proper communication with her. The few months after she had broken up were our best months of friendship; even though it was the holidays so we weren't seeing each other very often, we'd still talk frequently. Eventually us being a "secret third thing" turned into an official relationship. However, during this time I realised I wasn't into her romantically (and had never been into anyone romantically for that matter, but that's another long story/process of discovery) so I ended things. I had no hard feelings coming out of the relationship and I assumed she didn't either. Unfortunately I was wrong as she became very anxiously attached to me, messaging me a lot when she was unstable in ways I didn't know how to deal with which then created conflict. This wasn't helped by the fact I had/have my own anxious-avoidant attachment dynamic going on (I've talked about this at length in my other posts if you're curious) and so my knee jerk reaction was to get as far away as possible from any signs of strain in an interpersonal relationship.
I had hoped that when we got back to uni things would get better; they didn't. Although she stopped relying on me so hard for emotional support I couldn't shake the anxious feeling I had developed around her. In my head (whether exaggerated or not) she was an unpredictable person prone to frequent unstable episodes and my autistic ass cannot deal with people I think are unpredictable. At this point we had gone back to being a "secret third thing" which I thought I would be happy with but I wasn't. It felt different now. One day she mentioned to me how she found this girl who goes to the society we run together attractive and it's like a switch flipped in my brain. I became intensely anxiously-attached to her immediately which is still going on now. I talked to her about it but I was aware there isn't exactly anything she can do about it because it's my problem not hers. This hasn't meant my avoidance has gone away either, my brain still screams at me to disengage every time she brings up her emotions regardless of context. Recently I realised that although at the time I kept telling myself that her venting to me about her emotions semi-frequently was because of her own attachment issues and it wasn't my problem, I've realised the main reason I hated it is because it reminded me of myself. Reminded me of how I used to overdo it and turn people away. How I must've been such a burden on my previous partners as I acted similarly. Or, if they hadn't minded my frequent instability, then I'm an awful dismissive person for wanting my friend to not talk to me about how she feels. It turned a mirror up to how I am now, unable to express how I feel to other people in fear of rejection; this just exacerbates the issue because when I finally do speak everything I've been bottling up comes out all at once and I look crazy and overwhelm and discomfort other people. I'm in a national videogame community that do monthly meet ups and I've started vcing regularly with people and made some great friends. I've caught myself reacting with loathing when someone in those calls "breaks social cues" by "oversharing" or "being annoying" out of pure projection considering I'm also annoying as fuck and don't know when to drop a joke. And it's not like I feel like I can talk to any of them about how I feel, because either we're not close enough or the guy in the group I've developed somewhat of a co-dependency on doesn't deserve to deal with some mentally unstable undergrad when what he signed up to was a community that revolves around a set of fucking videogames.
I hate the person I've turned/I'm turning into. I hate how deep seated attachment issues eat away at all the kind and understanding parts of you until there's nothing of worth left, just black and hateful sludge running through your body. 80% of my disdain I've developed for others in these past few months comes from my own insecure projections. I want to be the kind and understanding person I was pre-transition, where I was able to suppress all these horrible feelings about the world and other people because I was suppressing other large parts of myself. But the cat's been let out the bag, and it feels like I've changed too much/the world has gotten too cruel for me to redevelop social value as a human being. Maybe it would be best for me to just die so I don't cause anyone else anymore pain. (TW: SH) I've been considering shing again because there's been quite a few times where I've been close to it due to my overwhelming workload.
Oh yeah. My fucking workload. I can't deal with it anymore. I specifically came to this uni so I could spend at least a few years of my life having fun before I was sucked into peak capitalist alienation in a job I hated. However I haven't shaken off my tendency to always bite off more than I can chew so I am now running a society, doing five modules this semester which is on top of just normal daily tasks like laundry, meals, showering, etc. I want to die. My ADHD only gets worse as I get over and the other day (TW: description of an autistic meltdown I had/SH ig) I had a meltdown where I was head banging, hitting myself, throwing myself at things, etc. I've reached my fucking limit but I have no choice to keep going unless I want my society to die or miss out on valuable work experience. I've been skipping meals and staying up late because it's the only time I feel like I can catch a fucking break, which only makes me feel worse the next day because I am the type of person that CANNOT function on less than 7 hours of sleep. The healthcare system in my country once I had to resubmit my diagnosis documents despite having ADHD already on my record sent me a message at the beginning of this month saying something about I'll get ADHD meds at some point but they had not clear answer when. So am I going to be waiting 3 months or 3 years? Whatever it is I don't know if I can cope until then, my brain is in a constant state of short circuiting. My memory is completely blank due to stress; I can't even remember what I did yesterday even after taking a dozen seconds to recall. I still bitterly lament the fact my mum said no to me being put on meds as a child because so much of the pain and suffering I went and still go through every day could have been averted then and there.
In summary, I don't know what to fucking do. I don't speak to many of my other friends that often because of how busy I am and I feel so overwhelmed and isolated. My plan is to just allow myself to disassociate like crazy so I can endure my shitty life until Christmas. But I feel like shit and mega stressed all the time now. I feel like I'll never have someone maintain a constant presence in my life long enough to become consistently close with them without the friendship falling apart. I want to go back to when it was just me and my old best friend when I was 17 before he got a boyfriend and left me in the dirt. I just want a break, to disappear for just a moment.
Anyways, I think my irl social circle is crumbling. I knew my best friend probably wasn't going to stay at this university but I wasn't ready for the impact it'd have on me. He's currently gone home for a week (he lives 5 hours away by car from the uni so it's not like I can hang out with him during this time anyway) but he's said he's probably not going to stay for third year. This paired with the fact he lives off campus while I don't means I already see him a lot less; the thought of not seeing him at all in my most stressful year of uni is doing laps on my mental state. Then we have my other "closest friend." We met in December but got involved physically with each other like April (she was in a poly relationship at the time though she was monogamous, it's a long story just know it was doomed to fail.) She broke up with her ex gf in May after her ex had crossed her boundaries multiple times and avoided doing proper communication with her. The few months after she had broken up were our best months of friendship; even though it was the holidays so we weren't seeing each other very often, we'd still talk frequently. Eventually us being a "secret third thing" turned into an official relationship. However, during this time I realised I wasn't into her romantically (and had never been into anyone romantically for that matter, but that's another long story/process of discovery) so I ended things. I had no hard feelings coming out of the relationship and I assumed she didn't either. Unfortunately I was wrong as she became very anxiously attached to me, messaging me a lot when she was unstable in ways I didn't know how to deal with which then created conflict. This wasn't helped by the fact I had/have my own anxious-avoidant attachment dynamic going on (I've talked about this at length in my other posts if you're curious) and so my knee jerk reaction was to get as far away as possible from any signs of strain in an interpersonal relationship.
I had hoped that when we got back to uni things would get better; they didn't. Although she stopped relying on me so hard for emotional support I couldn't shake the anxious feeling I had developed around her. In my head (whether exaggerated or not) she was an unpredictable person prone to frequent unstable episodes and my autistic ass cannot deal with people I think are unpredictable. At this point we had gone back to being a "secret third thing" which I thought I would be happy with but I wasn't. It felt different now. One day she mentioned to me how she found this girl who goes to the society we run together attractive and it's like a switch flipped in my brain. I became intensely anxiously-attached to her immediately which is still going on now. I talked to her about it but I was aware there isn't exactly anything she can do about it because it's my problem not hers. This hasn't meant my avoidance has gone away either, my brain still screams at me to disengage every time she brings up her emotions regardless of context. Recently I realised that although at the time I kept telling myself that her venting to me about her emotions semi-frequently was because of her own attachment issues and it wasn't my problem, I've realised the main reason I hated it is because it reminded me of myself. Reminded me of how I used to overdo it and turn people away. How I must've been such a burden on my previous partners as I acted similarly. Or, if they hadn't minded my frequent instability, then I'm an awful dismissive person for wanting my friend to not talk to me about how she feels. It turned a mirror up to how I am now, unable to express how I feel to other people in fear of rejection; this just exacerbates the issue because when I finally do speak everything I've been bottling up comes out all at once and I look crazy and overwhelm and discomfort other people. I'm in a national videogame community that do monthly meet ups and I've started vcing regularly with people and made some great friends. I've caught myself reacting with loathing when someone in those calls "breaks social cues" by "oversharing" or "being annoying" out of pure projection considering I'm also annoying as fuck and don't know when to drop a joke. And it's not like I feel like I can talk to any of them about how I feel, because either we're not close enough or the guy in the group I've developed somewhat of a co-dependency on doesn't deserve to deal with some mentally unstable undergrad when what he signed up to was a community that revolves around a set of fucking videogames.
I hate the person I've turned/I'm turning into. I hate how deep seated attachment issues eat away at all the kind and understanding parts of you until there's nothing of worth left, just black and hateful sludge running through your body. 80% of my disdain I've developed for others in these past few months comes from my own insecure projections. I want to be the kind and understanding person I was pre-transition, where I was able to suppress all these horrible feelings about the world and other people because I was suppressing other large parts of myself. But the cat's been let out the bag, and it feels like I've changed too much/the world has gotten too cruel for me to redevelop social value as a human being. Maybe it would be best for me to just die so I don't cause anyone else anymore pain. (TW: SH) I've been considering shing again because there's been quite a few times where I've been close to it due to my overwhelming workload.
Oh yeah. My fucking workload. I can't deal with it anymore. I specifically came to this uni so I could spend at least a few years of my life having fun before I was sucked into peak capitalist alienation in a job I hated. However I haven't shaken off my tendency to always bite off more than I can chew so I am now running a society, doing five modules this semester which is on top of just normal daily tasks like laundry, meals, showering, etc. I want to die. My ADHD only gets worse as I get over and the other day (TW: description of an autistic meltdown I had/SH ig) I had a meltdown where I was head banging, hitting myself, throwing myself at things, etc. I've reached my fucking limit but I have no choice to keep going unless I want my society to die or miss out on valuable work experience. I've been skipping meals and staying up late because it's the only time I feel like I can catch a fucking break, which only makes me feel worse the next day because I am the type of person that CANNOT function on less than 7 hours of sleep. The healthcare system in my country once I had to resubmit my diagnosis documents despite having ADHD already on my record sent me a message at the beginning of this month saying something about I'll get ADHD meds at some point but they had not clear answer when. So am I going to be waiting 3 months or 3 years? Whatever it is I don't know if I can cope until then, my brain is in a constant state of short circuiting. My memory is completely blank due to stress; I can't even remember what I did yesterday even after taking a dozen seconds to recall. I still bitterly lament the fact my mum said no to me being put on meds as a child because so much of the pain and suffering I went and still go through every day could have been averted then and there.
In summary, I don't know what to fucking do. I don't speak to many of my other friends that often because of how busy I am and I feel so overwhelmed and isolated. My plan is to just allow myself to disassociate like crazy so I can endure my shitty life until Christmas. But I feel like shit and mega stressed all the time now. I feel like I'll never have someone maintain a constant presence in my life long enough to become consistently close with them without the friendship falling apart. I want to go back to when it was just me and my old best friend when I was 17 before he got a boyfriend and left me in the dirt. I just want a break, to disappear for just a moment.
