opheliaoveragain
Student
- Jun 2, 2024
- 158
I've relapsed into my eating disorder very badly. There is a constant yelling that tells me that I'm taking up too much space. That food is evil. That I should throw everything (even healthy things) in my house out, leaving only water. This has been my life since 13 and I'm running out of willpower to give one single fuck about recovery of any kind, it doesn't just feel hopeless, it IS HOPELESS. Recover for what, to suffer more? To regret gaining the weight back?
Nah man, not about it anymore. At least the pills involved for my "mental health" don't involve calories. HA. That's what makes me question alcoholics, why risk the calories when you can black out on benzos (assuming this a situation where someone has both) even though I used to be one before Xanax became my main bitch, before the heroin and the fent which I miss every day.
But I'm saving up clean time to kill myself. I would love to drop in on some of these NA rooms anonymously and tell them WHY I have the amount of time I do. It's not because of god. Or the community. Or because anyone helped me bc frankly no one did, but I've grown sick of trying to take myself out and waking up. So I'm saving up clean time under the guise of recovery but it's really to ensure that I'll actually die the next time I try with F.
Nah man, not about it anymore. At least the pills involved for my "mental health" don't involve calories. HA. That's what makes me question alcoholics, why risk the calories when you can black out on benzos (assuming this a situation where someone has both) even though I used to be one before Xanax became my main bitch, before the heroin and the fent which I miss every day.
But I'm saving up clean time to kill myself. I would love to drop in on some of these NA rooms anonymously and tell them WHY I have the amount of time I do. It's not because of god. Or the community. Or because anyone helped me bc frankly no one did, but I've grown sick of trying to take myself out and waking up. So I'm saving up clean time under the guise of recovery but it's really to ensure that I'll actually die the next time I try with F.
