Venting Things are going to get worse.

[hitagi-crab]

Sometimes I think it's silly that I fantasize about killing myself so often considering how good of a position I'm in compared to other people I know. But all I can think about is the awful future in store for me.

I have a decent job, but it's laying off my whole department in two months to replace us with AI, so I'll be jobless soon.

I have a cheap two-bedroom apartment, but it's dirty and dark and I just hole up in the same room all day long. The other room and living room are mostly bare, and I don't want to buy more furnishings or decorations because I think I should be saving money for when I'm unemployed.

My transition has succeeded in a lot of ways and I get gendered correctly more often than not, but I don't have a partner or any real community among other trans people. I also missed my chance to use my work insurance to get FFS because I was indecisive and now I think I'll never get the opportunity to get surgery again.

I have a close friend I talk to every day and hang out with every week, but she's my ex and she's starting to date again, and I doubt a new partner of hers would be okay with her being besties with her ex. Hanging out with her also reminds me of how much she hurt me when we were together, and I always feel more suicidal after being at her place for some reason.

I got back in touch with my father after 8 years of estrangement, and while he supports my transition and reaches out to me regularly, he also still loves, and is married to, the woman who drove me to suicide when I was a child, and I think he'll eventually expect me to get back in touch with her.

I had another close friend that I was living with until recently, but I guess I was unpleasant when we lived together so he stopped inviting me to the regular weekly hangouts we had with another friend without explanation. Now he moved to a different town and based on his personality I doubt we'll ever really work it out and I'll just be another forgotten person to him.

On top of everything, the whole world seems to be sliding into catastrophe. I'm scared that I'll have to flee the country because I'm trans. I worry about global warming, about another pandemic, about automation replacing my job and any other job that I might want to try.

There's so many people who cared for me but don't talk to me anymore because I was too difficult to know or too prideful to reach out.

I wish people knew that I tried really hard and I wish they knew that I loved and cherished them. And I know that I have it really good in so many ways. But that's the thing - I feel like if I can't be happy in this situation, how could I possibly be able to withstand the difficulties that are coming? I don't think I'm strong enough to make it and I don't want to stick around to see how bad it gets. I'm just too fragile and weak to endure what the future is going to throw at me.

 

[daruino]

Wow,. I don't think you're too fragile or weak- you're really dealing with a lot after all, it sounds super overwhelming with the upcoming changes. I hope you can figure things out- or at least that it gets a bit more bearable for you. Either way this forum is here for you if you ever need support.

 

[itsgone2]

On top of everything, the whole world seems to be sliding into catastrophe. I'm scared that I'll have to flee the country because I'm trans. I worry about global warming, about another pandemic, about automation replacing my job and any other job that I might want to try.

Things will definitely get worse. Without work what does anything else matter? Money is everything. Work gives purpose. Companies hate workers now: can't wait to be rid of them. Yes, things will get worse so what's even the point anyway.