Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
As I am calming down... I realized woke up heated. I probs had some bad dream or smthin but I don't remember it at all. This happens often. I usually just have to recognize that im upset and it's most likely from a dream.
This is fucking ass. Lately things have been getting worse and aside from the obvious health issues I truly don't know why. I even met with my therapist while my throat was fucked up. Likeeeeeeeee why does doing things that are supposed to be helping ones self just make me feel worse these days?
Not sure and honestly very very tired of looking for the answers.
I always go back & forth so if I change my mind I won't be depressed or feel shame but I am giving up. I'm back to planning my suicide. I'm not sure on a date yet but I feel I needa research some things more.
My biggest worry with SN is I have stomach issues so I'm not sure how that'll impact my attempt. I have a hiatial hernia. I wonder if I should take PCP's leading up to SN attempt?
I feel the fasting will build my stomach acid and might impact the attempt tho ig that's why there is an anti acid as part of the regimen. But still...
Even rn... haven't eaten anything and my stomach hurts... though could be the powerade / the kinda sugar in it but my point is my stomach is both sensitive & fucked up.
I can't handle any aspects of life anymore but especially the usual interpersonal things. I'm isolating from all outside of this site bc I just can't deal anymore. For many reasons but I haven't fully identified them all.
Plus the kinda life I have & the kinda life I want are both far apart. Ig all in all I'm just tired. Suicidality isn't new for me. I can see when it's like becoming a comfortable reality. But this time it's verryyyyy comfortable. I'm not feeling the usual anxieties or concerns. Sooo I think I am ready. To at least aquire the method.
I don't feel rushed or anything. No timeline or specific date needed. Just going with the flow. Rn the flow is in the next couple of weeks. Maybe sooner maybe later. Im not pressed on the time/don't care tbh. It'll happen when it happens/when I need. Gotta get the method tho asap. So this weekend.
Otherwise... sleeping, laughing at shows/youtube,eating, listening to music etc etc. That's all im doing for the next little bit. Maybe this break from life will restore some things in me but I doubt it. Sooo I'm good to end my life at this point.
Yeah I feel like I needa strongly justify my life and reasons to kill myself but I really don't need to. I want to die and starting to hate everything my life consists of and that's enough.
On a side note/ to end this post. I recently got to try one of my fav kpop idols fav snacks called "Banana kick" i loveeee it. I wanna order more and more Curry Cheese Ramen. Something I've also tried recently and am now obsessed with.
so will be getting some today. Im gonna go out having any little enjoyment I can bc it's very sparse rn.
Im going out content with where im at rn. Honestly I'm feeling excitement over ending my life again. Im leaning into that excitement bc unlike the usual there is no heavy anxiety or worries. Just... excitement & awareness.
I dont need anyone in my life to justify or feel comfortable with my decision. Hell by the time I'm gone they won't have even realized or remembered me. I don't plan on re-engaging anytime soon or ever tbh. Im comfortable with that rn.
Yeah my life is done for me and no one can convince me otherwise nor do I want to be convinced of anything. Im looking forward to some ease in these last days but not to hang on to the ease. To end it within this ease.
This is fucking ass. Lately things have been getting worse and aside from the obvious health issues I truly don't know why. I even met with my therapist while my throat was fucked up. Likeeeeeeeee why does doing things that are supposed to be helping ones self just make me feel worse these days?
Not sure and honestly very very tired of looking for the answers.
I always go back & forth so if I change my mind I won't be depressed or feel shame but I am giving up. I'm back to planning my suicide. I'm not sure on a date yet but I feel I needa research some things more.
My biggest worry with SN is I have stomach issues so I'm not sure how that'll impact my attempt. I have a hiatial hernia. I wonder if I should take PCP's leading up to SN attempt?
I feel the fasting will build my stomach acid and might impact the attempt tho ig that's why there is an anti acid as part of the regimen. But still...
Even rn... haven't eaten anything and my stomach hurts... though could be the powerade / the kinda sugar in it but my point is my stomach is both sensitive & fucked up.
I can't handle any aspects of life anymore but especially the usual interpersonal things. I'm isolating from all outside of this site bc I just can't deal anymore. For many reasons but I haven't fully identified them all.
Plus the kinda life I have & the kinda life I want are both far apart. Ig all in all I'm just tired. Suicidality isn't new for me. I can see when it's like becoming a comfortable reality. But this time it's verryyyyy comfortable. I'm not feeling the usual anxieties or concerns. Sooo I think I am ready. To at least aquire the method.
I don't feel rushed or anything. No timeline or specific date needed. Just going with the flow. Rn the flow is in the next couple of weeks. Maybe sooner maybe later. Im not pressed on the time/don't care tbh. It'll happen when it happens/when I need. Gotta get the method tho asap. So this weekend.
Otherwise... sleeping, laughing at shows/youtube,eating, listening to music etc etc. That's all im doing for the next little bit. Maybe this break from life will restore some things in me but I doubt it. Sooo I'm good to end my life at this point.
Yeah I feel like I needa strongly justify my life and reasons to kill myself but I really don't need to. I want to die and starting to hate everything my life consists of and that's enough.
On a side note/ to end this post. I recently got to try one of my fav kpop idols fav snacks called "Banana kick" i loveeee it. I wanna order more and more Curry Cheese Ramen. Something I've also tried recently and am now obsessed with.
so will be getting some today. Im gonna go out having any little enjoyment I can bc it's very sparse rn. Im going out content with where im at rn. Honestly I'm feeling excitement over ending my life again. Im leaning into that excitement bc unlike the usual there is no heavy anxiety or worries. Just... excitement & awareness.
I dont need anyone in my life to justify or feel comfortable with my decision. Hell by the time I'm gone they won't have even realized or remembered me. I don't plan on re-engaging anytime soon or ever tbh. Im comfortable with that rn.
Yeah my life is done for me and no one can convince me otherwise nor do I want to be convinced of anything. Im looking forward to some ease in these last days but not to hang on to the ease. To end it within this ease.
